Christmas 2006

The kids woke me up at 4:30....in the MORNING! I could not believe it because they didn't get home from their dad's until midnight on Christmas Eve. I figured they would sleep at least until 7....I was wrong! They opened their presents....and loved what they got....and then I cleaned up the mess and made some cinnamon rolls....the can kind! Then we all got cleaned up and headed for Mom's house. There we laughed and ate and laughed some more. My family keeps me laughing....even though usually I am the brunt of their jokes .....at least every other one.....but I think it is because they know I can take it! When I think about it, I remember how much they teased my daddy, so I know I am in good company. Speaking of dad....I miss him. Christmas will never be the same without him anymore. Mom gave us picture frames with dad's picture in them and a neat poem....it was bittersweet. I would give about anything to see him again...in this lifetime....but I will just wait for heaven to see him and miss him more and more everyday.

Here is a picture of all of us.....

God's Hidden Face

I didn't write the following devotional....but I could have. I read it and was brought to tears....because I, like the author, have experienced great difficulties and a time of "God's hidden face" and it is very painful. I am actually still waiting for the light, but I see glimmers of it. I am thankful that others have felt what I feel and have experienced what I have experienced. I will update on Christmas later tonight....it was good!

Week of December 24

Devotional 53

God's Hidden Face

For nearly eight months I lived with one single biblical passage. Although I read others, almost every day I came back to Lamentations 3. Here are the major verses:

I have suffered much because God was angry. He chased me into a dark place, where no light could enter… He attacked and surrounded me with hardships and trouble; he forced me to sit in the dark like someone long dead. God built a fence around me that I cannot climb over, and he chained me down. Even when I shouted and prayed for help, he refused to listen. God put big rocks in my way and made me follow a crooked path. God was like a bear or a lion waiting in ambush for me: he dragged me from the road, then tore me to shreds…. God took careful aim and shot his arrows straight through my heart…. He made me eat gravel and rubbed me in the dirt. I cannot find peace or remember happiness…. That’s all I ever think about, and I am depressed. LAMENTATIONS 3:1-2, 5-13, 16-20, CEV

I wouldn’t begin to compare my problems with those of the prophet, but this passage captured my mood: God had let me down.

During those months, I prayed. I scrutinized my life. I searched my past, wondering if I had gone down the wrong road months earlier. Was I deceiving myself in thinking that I was all right with God? If I was all right, then why didn’t God answer? Why didn’t God smile—just a little?

Nothing but darkness filled my life. I don’t mean I was bedridden with depression or heavily medicated. I kept it all inside. It wasn’t a faith crisis—the dark night of the soul kind of thing. It was more that God was out there someplace, but not anywhere near me.

Then I began to notice the number of times the Old Testament speaks of God’s hidden face. It seemed not so much that God ran away or hid behind clouds of gloom. It was more the idea that God’s face turned away from the people of God.

We know the feeling. Most of us have been snubbed by someone. We approach, extend a hand or smile, only to have the person turn away. We know the person saw us, but we might as well have been invisible or not present.

That’s how I felt God treated me.

Day after day, I read Lamentations 3; I found comfort that I had connected with the pain of another person. Yet his words gave me no solution. God’s face was still turned away. I prayed, I confessed, I promised, yes, I even bargained, but nothing seemed to work.

Then I lingered on a psalm that has since become a permanently marked place in my Bible:

How much longer, LORD, will you forget about me? Will it be forever? How long will you hide? How long must I be confused and miserable all day?… Please listen, Lord God, and answer my prayers. Make my eyes sparkle again, or else I will fall into the sleep of death. PSALMS 13:1-3, CEV

“If God would just tell me what I’ve done wrong or show me where I’ve gone astray,” I wailed to my friend Bob.

“Maybe you haven’t gone astray. Maybe God has a different purpose in mind.” Bob’s what I call a spiritual man, someone who doesn’t speak rashly. “Is it possible that this is a time of waiting for you and not one of punishment or anger? Do you suppose God wants to do something in you that can happen only in darkness?”

“What would that be?” I asked.

“Ask God,” he said, and smiled.

I asked. I asked. I asked. For days I bombarded heaven with my plea. A few times I got angry. “You want your people to pray, and then you won’t listen. Or if you’re listening, you’re keeping it a secret. What kind of God are you?”

As angry as I got, I somehow knew I could tell God how I felt. I believed God cared and heard me even though nothing happened.

From late September until the middle of summer, God’s face stayed turned away from me. I continued to pray, sometimes merely out of ritual or habit. I felt as if my fists had become bloody from beating against a six-inch steel door. But I didn’t give up.

Other times I tried to get God to hurry up and respond, but that seemed to throw me backward. Finally, I surrendered. “Okay, God, I’m willing to wait.” Every day I heard myself saying things such as, “God, I don’t like it, but I’m waiting for you to turn your face toward me again.”

My life did change—slowly. In fact, it was so slow and gradual that I was hardly aware of anything being different. But one day, I realized that a sliver of light had crept back into my life. I no longer wept over Psalm 13 or wailed over Lamentations 3. The dawn started to streak across the horizon. It was a beginning of God’s face turning toward me again.

At that point, I did a quick checkup on my life. What had happened in the months of darkness? I knew the situation had forced me to pray more—not merely in volume, but in intensity. It had been years since I had burrowed into the Bible as deeply as I did then. As far as I knew, I opened every part of my life to God’s searchlight. I didn’t always like what I saw, and I asked God’s help in making changes.

As more and more light penetrated my dark world, I began thanking God. I could hardly believe it, but I was giving thanks to God for darkness, for uncertainty, for confusion, for pain, for all the difficulties. Yes, I did—because “All things work together for good to those who love God, who are called according to his purpose” (Rom 8:28).

Then I realized those days and nights of agony had strengthened me. I don’t want to repeat them. And I know Bob was right: God had a different purpose in mind.

I patiently waited, LORD, for you to hear my prayer. You listened and pulled me from a lonely pit, full of mud and mire. You let me stand on a rock with my feet firm, and you gave me a new song, a song of praise to God. PSALMS 40:1-3a, CEV

God, I hate darkness.

I hate the silence.

I hate it when you turn your face from me.

But I’ve finally learned: it’s only for a short time,

and you never leave me.

You’re always there—even in the deepest darkness.

Thanks, God. Amen.

For more from Cecil, please visit www.cecilmurphey.com.

Martina McBride - Anyway

I love this song!

Whew....what a week...and it is ONLY Tuesday!

Reid made it through the weekend....even though he didn't leave the recliner the entire time. Mom and Beth came Sunday afternoon and helped me get him to at least stand up.....and that was a chore! He was in so much pain. Yesterday the doctor could not get him early like I had wanted, so I took him to Children's Mercy in KC. I had been praying that I would be able to get him in the car and God sent me a few helpful angels. Megan just happened to call yesterday morning and told me her dad would come and help me. He got here, but we still couldn't get him in the car....and Reid was crying because of the pain. So her dad, Roger, called a few of his friends.....a man that works with him named John, a lady that works with him named Mary (who brought a wheelchair!) and his pastor Michael and the youth pastor....not even sure of his name. It was such a blessing. We finally got him in the car and I got him to the hospital. There they changed his brace which helped SOOOO much and they put him on some different meds. They also took more x-rays and told me they are going to do an MRI next week because they feel like he tore some ligaments and tendons, also. At least we saw an ortho doctor there. I got lost leaving....of course, and it was dark and I was so scared. I had no clue where I was at and the road the lady in the ER told me to take was detoured..........so I tried to follow the detour signs, but they didn't lead me to where she said I would end up! So I finally found a highway, even though I didn't know which one it was, and I took it. I was relieved to actually see other cars! About 10 miles down the road I realized I didn't see anything that was familiar. I called Beth and thank goodness she was home! She got her map out and told me I was on 71 SOUTH....not north like I thought....and I was headed to Lee's Summitt and Independence. Sure enough....about an hour and two minutes later and after going through both those cities....Reid and I made it home. I HATE driving in KC! HATE IT! I always get lost. I wish I could figure it out, but I haven't been able to so far!!!!

So anyway, today I am just sitting around helping Reid. He is pretty helpless right now. I am hoping I get called to sub tomorrow because I need to work and Mom said she would come and stay with him. Reid isn't too thrilled about that because he wants me here and he gets so embarassed to have anyone help him (going to the bathroom, etc.) but I think he will be ok. He started crying last night because he thought I was going to sleep upstairs. Once he realized I was just going upstairs to wash my face and I would be right back down, he was o.k. I have never seen him like this. He has been very emotional. I think it is partly because of the pain and partly because of the medicine. He is never usually like this. He doesn't want me out of his sight. Bless his heart! I also think it is because he realizes how helpless he is and he is worried he might have to go to the bathroom and he just can't make it on his own. He told me yesterday he had prayed about 30 times asking God for strength. It made me so happy. I can see his faith growing through this. I was proud of him. He could have asked God to take the pain away, or why this happened to him, but instead, he simply asked for strength to get through it. That showed me how mature he is getting. I told him in the ER last Saturday that God allowed this for a reason and it will make him stronger and build his strength and faith in God if he will trust the Lord. We had a good talk today, too, about how God always provides. He is growing physically and spiritually. I pray God calls him into the ministry oneday. My dad always told me he felt God would and that is what Dad prayed for. I don't know....and I am not God, but I pray for that, too. He has such a big heart and I think he would make a great pastor someday!

Well, I found out last night that I got an A on my last final! I was so excited. This is the one I was so worried about. I studied so hard and my friend Susan picked up my test and she called and said I only missed 5 out of the 100 questions. YES! IF my calculations are correct I will get an A. I know I got an A in my other classes, so I am excited. I worked very hard and it is a good feeling to know I did so well on a test that was very, very difficult. I have off until January 29 now! Yeah! I plan on subbing every day in January.

Em is sitting here wanting my attention so I am going to go for now! She has been getting a wee bit jealous at all the attention her brother has been getting! Nite!

Struggling.....

Reid broke his leg yesterday. He was riding his skateboard down a hill by our house and "wiped out".....to use his brother's words. Austin called me on his cell phone (even though it was right behind our house in the school parking lot) and said, "Mom, I think Reid broke his leg....and I told him not to skateboard down this hill!" He was covering his own behind! Not that either of them were in trouble...how could I get on to Reid when I saw him crying his eyes out and writhing in agony? I knew immediately that the leg wasn't o.k. It was in a funny angle and he couldn't move it at all and he cried and cried and I could not get him to stop. He doesn't normally do that, either....I have seen him take some very bad falls on his skateboard, or even just playing football or riding his bike, and he always gets up laughing. Not this time. I went and got the car and left Austin with Emmie and took him to the ER. I was very thankful that Emmie's teacher was at school on a Saturday afternoon because her husband was there with her and he was waiting in the car and saw it happen. He said it was an "awful sound" when Reid fell. He helped me get Reid into the car (which took us forever) and his wife gave Reid a pillow to squeeze on the way to the hospital. Bless their hearts! Even in this trial, God didn't leave me alone. There was no way I could have gotten Reid into the car by myself. He is such a big kid and he could not support himself at all. He screamed when we forced him to move to the car and even stand a little on his good leg. Every bump of the car on the way to the ER made him scream. He was in terrible pain.

My mind is sort of a fog as I write this now. It was such a long evening waiting in the ER. Doctors, nurses, X-ray techs, cat scans, etc.......made it sort of a blur. I was more worried about my man who would not stop the tears coming down his face. Finally, after the doc read the x-ray, I knew why. It was a bad break, she said. The tibula bone (shin bone) that runs up to the femur bone right behind the knee cap is broken all the way across and down at the joint. Right on the growth plate. According to all the doctors and nursers involved, this is not a good place to break your leg. His leg is still swollen three times the normal size....from his hip to his toes. I could not believe they even sent him home. They put a partial cast on it (because of the swelling) and gave him some Vicodin for pain, and told us there was nothing more they could do until the swelling went down and to call a certain orthopedic doctor first thing Monday morning. The doctor mentioned pins, she mentioned surgery, she mentioned a thing called a knee joint brace, and she mentioned a full cast....one of which will happen in a few days....according to the orthopedic doctor. So we waited at Walgren's for 30 minutes on the prescription (while Reid cried in the back seat) and then we came home. Austin and I got Reid in the house.....even though there were times when we were standing (with Reid on crutches) in the driveway thinking we would be there all night. Every single movement meant terrible pain for him. It was awful to watch. My heart was hurting, I think, as much as his leg just watching him suffer. It was terrible. I kept praying for strength from heaven for Reid and for myself. I got the kids together after we finally got Reid on the blow up air matttress downstairs (there was no way he could make it up the stairs) and we prayed for God to heal him and for us to all be patient when he is yelling at us out of pain and frustration. Pain has a way of making the sufferer become someone very different from themselves. It makes a person want instant relief and sometimes that comes in the form of yelling at another. And Reid was not pleasant, understandably so. So I prayed for patience for Austin, Emmie, and me, too!

So this morning, after a long night of Reid waking every hour or so and asking for more pain medicine and after helping him urinate in a plastic water bottle (all I had and it worked!) I figured I did get about four hours sleep. I am tired and I am down and I am getting ready to go read my Bible and seek God's strength. I feel so weak and so tired and so down today. $100 dollars in the ER as a copay (Chris just did get insurance on the kids a few months ago...praise the Lord!) and another $30 on medicine and now I have to stay with him next week and take him to the doctor and not sub and Christmas coming.....sometimes I just don't understand. But even in my doubting and even in my questioning, I still trust the Lord. I still believe in His faithfulness. I know He has always been there, and He will surely see us through this. I just hate feeling so alone and helpless. I tell God all the time that He must think I can take more than I can, because He tests me through some loooong, tiring trials. Many times I want to give up. Many nights I lie in bed and wonder what heaven will be like. Many days I think about dad singing with the angels and sitting at the feet of Jesus, and OH, I long to be there. Heaven is so rich to me, and this life is such a struggle. Many, many days I find myself just longing to be "home". I will press on while God has given me breath and I will fight the good fight with all I have and when I am weak I will thank the Lord for His strength, and I will glory in the cross and the sufferings of this earthly life....but oh, I have a hope that someday there will be no more bills, and some day there will be no more pain on the face of my son, and some day there will be no more tears or stress or sorrows. That is the hope that is within me today.

I wait in hope for YOU Lord,
YOU are my strength and my shield,
In YOU my heart rejoices as I trust in YOUR holy name.
May YOUR unfailing love surround me,
even as I put my hope in YOU.

Good weekend.....

Whew! I don't even know where to start! What a busy weekend! I sure did have a good time, though! I got in last night and just crashed! I was happy to see my kiddos last night and we hugged and kissed, but then I hit the bed and went instantly into dream land! So where do I start.....

On Friday I took my last final and then I headed to Columbia to take the kids to their dad's house. We got there around 6:30 and then I met my friend Holly at the new Chinese place and we visited for about two hours there. I think they were ready to run us out! We had a good talk and I then headed home. I got back to KC around 11 and couldn't sleep, even though I was very tired! So I played on the computer for a while (very glad to not have to study!) and then I finally fell asleep around 1 in the morning. Susan called at 8 and woke me up and so I got up and read my Bible for a while and then cleaned my house. After that I got on the treadmill and then did pilates. I basically just lounged and watched tv for the rest of the afternoon. I had told Susan to just come to my house when she got off work and we could head to Brookfield from here, but she was ticked at me, cuz she wanted me to come and get her so she wouldn't have to leave her van here at my house. We got into a little spat (which we do a lot, but we always quickly resolve it!....we actually act A LOT like sisters!) but I told her to just come to my house, since it was silly for me to go all the way to North Oak to get her and then back this way to head to Brookfield. She said, "Whatever works for you, Princess!" But I knew right after I hung up the phone with her that I would drive to her apartment and get her and suprise her. Yes, I was being selfish and thinking only of myself. I prayed and asked God to help me to be more like His Son and to place others first. It is a struggle...I am so selfish most of the time. But anyway, I headed out to her house around 5, knowing she would be home around 6. I first went to Big Lots because I wanted to get her something for Christmas. I knew I couldn't afford much, but I found the perfect gift. A barstool! She has a bar in her kitchen that she stands at because she has no chair there, so I found a very neat, sort of old style barstool with a black padded seat that I got her. She was excited to get it and excited to see me at her apartment! Then we headed to Brookfield and arrived at Mom's around 9.

Sunday morning we attended both services at Park Baptist where Susan spoke on her missions experience in Poland. I had asked Bro. Mark if I could introduce her and thank the church for their wonderful and generous love offering to me. It was a good day and a good time seeing old friends. Judy and her sister and Linda took Susan and me out to lunch at Pizza Hut after church.

Around 2 we went to Mendenhall's house where I was to speak to the youth group there for my Secular Humanism class requirements. It was so much fun. I spoke on what I HAD to, and then I spoke on what the Lord placed on my heart. It was a great afternoon. I hugged and cried all afternoon. I miss my students and I miss teaching. Taylor asked me if he could sing me a song and play his guitar for me and of course I said yes. He started by saying that he was singing to "the greatest teacher he ever had" which made me instantly cry. He sang a song that I loved called "Too Good to Be" by New Found Glory. I am posting a clip of them singing it below that I found on Youtube. It was bittersweet. I really miss teaching and sometimes I have an overwhelming desire to go back to it. But I know God has called me here and He will help me finish seminary. I just don't understand, though, why God called me away from teaching. I sat there and talked with my students (and cried with many of them) and just quietly prayed and asked God to help me to trust Him more. It is my human nature to question and wonder where God is taking me and I think the hardest thing I struggle with is why? Why did God call me away from where I was? I always believed God made me to teach. I always believed my classroom was my mission field. I always believed that those students that I dearly loved knew they had a friend in me and that I made a difference in their lives...no matter how small. But now? What good am I now to anyone? I don't understand. I struggle with this every single day. And honestly, "the future looks so hard and I just want to go back." I have only finished one semester and I am wore out already and my finances are so tight. It is such a huge temptation to apply to the school district and quit seminary and go back to teaching. It is something I pray about everyday. God has provided and I know He will continue to provide, but I wish I could see where I was going....where God was leading. And when I heard Taylor sing that song to me....well, I guess I just can't understand why God called me away from that. But I will trust Him all the more and praise Him in this storm....and keep on putting one foot in front of the other. One day at a time, that is what I pray for. If I try to look too far ahead, it only makes me sad.

Well, before I go tonight....I talked to Holly....one of my dear, sweet students yesterday. She has been through so much and she wants to come and live with me. I told her I would take her anyday. She is going to her case worker on Dec. 18 to find out if she can. She is a ward of the state, so she thinks they will allow it. I will have to fill out paperwork and apply for a temporary foster care certificate, but I will do it for her. I love that girl. I prayed all night last night on the way home about what to do. I don't want to put hard feelings between her parents and myself, but I really think they would like her to be gone. I just pray the Lord's will be done. I struggle to provide for my own children, but I know if this is what God has in mind for me, He will provide. I told Holly she had to obey my rules, stay in school, make good grades, and get a part time job. She was o.k. with all of that. I am not naive to think things will always be o.k. I have taken in other students before and I know eventually they get angry with me for making them mind, or making them go to church with me, or not letting them go out whenever they want, but Holly knows how I feel. She just desperately wants to be loved. When I got home last night I sat the kids down and asked their opinion about it. Of course, they were hesitant at first, but then the more we talked, the more excited they became. I am not a perfect parent by a looooong shot, but they have such big hearts and they always want to help others. Reid said, "Mom, I know the court will let you have her because you are a good person and maybe she will become a Christian!" How sweet! Then Emmie said, "yeah Mom and you are pretty!" Like that has anything to do with it, but it made me laugh!!! My kids sometimes just make me so happy. My boys, in fact, are outside right now playing with two kids from down the street (they always have some kid knocking on the door to play!) but they gravitate to the ones who have little....or who are made fun of....or who just don't have friends. Today after school Austin came in and asked if Raymond could come in and watch Superman Returns with him. I said, "of course." The cool thing is Raymond has a severe speech problem. He isn't stupid, but he can't hardly talk and it is a struggle for him to even say "hi". The other kids on the street make fun of him and it makes my boys angry. They always take up for him and I LOVE that about them. I went in Austin's room today and said, "Hey Raymond....how are you?" He struggled to say "hi" and then he tried to say, "You like my new shirt?" I looked at Austin and he was grinning at me as if to say, "See, Mom, he isn't a bad kid!" Yes, my kids have BIG hearts. I am so thankful for that. THey don't care who makes fun of them....but they will stand up for the underdog. They have always been that way. It is the gift of mercy. I am very thankful that they aren't "brats!" (Well, not ALL the time!!) And really...isn't that what it is all about? And I am always amazed the way God uses the weak of the world to shame the strong.....!

Here are some pics from my weekend.....





























Holly and me....




















Taylor "serenading me!" (and Ally standing by him!)

Too Good To Be - New Found Glory

Hoping for an A!

Well, I took my last final yesterday....WHEW! I am so thankful to be done. I am now just anticipating my grades! I can't change anything now, so why worry, but I am hoping for all A's. I am fairly sure I got an A in two of my classes, but my Counseling Theory class has me worried. The final yesterday was so hard and I had two papers due yesterday and I am not sure how he will grade them. I got an A on a paper back at the beginning of the semester for him, but barely. He grades pretty tough. But I tried to adapt to his grading and maybe, hopefully, he will give me an A on these two! The final is 200 points and I studied and studied and studied, but it still seemed hard. Actually, the entire thing didn't seem hard, but some of the questions did. I know I missed one, because I just didn't know it and I guessed and I looked it up as soon as class was over and I missed it. It was the definition for "nouthetic". I had no clue! I knew what Christian nouthetic counseling was....Scripture alone....but I didn't know exactly what that word meant. I chose "listen", but the answer was "confront". Soooooo, I missed it!

Oh well! I know life goes on and when I get to heaven someday, I know the Lord won't say, "now about that question you missed on nouthetic!!!" He will, however say, "what did you do with the talents I gave you?" So that is my focus. And right now I am working on my powerpoint that I am sharing tomorrow with the youth in Brookfield. I am so excited to see them! I am excited to get lots of hugs! I want to share the information I have in a way that is honoring God and I want to be a vessel that God uses to glorify Him. I have to share about Secular Humanism for my class, but more than that, I want to share my heart. I want them to understand something I feel is very important. I believe that God has answered my prayers that I have prayed since I first knew I would be speaking to these youth. I have asked the Lord to show me what He most importantly wants me to tell them. All this week I have been seeking His will and searching His heart for what He wants me to share. This morning it finally came! I was getting worried! But this morning during my time with the Lord I was reading and it came to me. We cannot be the blind leading the blind. It makes no difference if we understand Secular Humanism. It makes no difference if we have knowledge of every single cult in this world. It only matters if we know the hope that is within us. Then and only then can we really discern and make wise decisions and be a true light to others. Then we can be salt to the world. We have to be able to profess what we believe. I fear that some of these students can't tell me exactly what it is that they believe. Knowledge of Secular Humanism isn't enough. We can't understand truth if we don't understand and know the Giver of truth. So that is my focus for tomorrow. I pray God's will be done and I point them to HIM!

Well, I need to get back to work! I have a lot to do and I still want to hit the gym and the treadmill and mail some Christmas cards and meet Susan by 6! I am excited to be back at Park Baptist tomorrow! Yeah!

"Can a blind man lead a blind man? Will they not both fall into a pit? A student is not above his teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like his teacher." Luke 6:39-40

"We cannot know the grief
That men may borrow;
We cannot see the souls
Storm-swept by sorrow;
But love can shine upon the way
Today, tomorrow;
Let us be kind.
Upon the wheel of pain so many weary lives are
broken,
We live in vain who give no tender token.
Let us be kind."

Taken from Streams in the Desert devotionals for Friday, December 8, 2006....my favorite devotional book!

Scheduling next semester....

Well, I can't believe it, but I have nearly made it through my first semester at seminary. (if you don't count the summer classes!) It hasn't been at all easy, but God has been faithful. I have 14 hours now and by the end of next semester and J-term I will have 30. Halfway there!! It took me a while to decide my classes for next semester because I have to be very careful with my work schedule but I also need to take certain classes that are only offered every two years. So, since I want to be finished by May of '08, I can't miss classes that are offered this next spring, because they won't be offered again until the spring of '09. Does that make sense? So I think I have it worked out where I am only in class on Fridays and Saturdays. Yes, Saturdays! I switched a class that met on Weds (Basic Evangelism which I heard is hard and has lots of memorizing!) to Saturday morning. I didn't want to take a Saturday class because that completely shoots my weekend, but I know I needed to do that so I could sub on Wednesdays. So now I am available to sub four days a week instead of 3. More money. That helps. But it will be tough because I have more classes next semester: one online, two on Fridays, one on Saturdays, and the J-term class. OH, and I am taking a workshop for two hours elective credit over spring break. Yeah, I know. I have a boring life! It isn't like I would go anywhere or do anything anyway! I might as well suck it up and get it done!!

My professor yesterday (the last day of my Monday class!! YEAH!) was sharing with us about becoming licensed (LPC= licensed professional counselor) and he was sharing with us the test we will have to take if we do want to become licensed and how we have to have 3000 supervised hours in the state of MO to get a license. It seems hard. Then we have to have 40 hours every two years to renew our license. I am not honestly sure what God wants for me yet, but I am thinking it includes becoming an LPC. I have always thought I would work under the umbrella of a church when I am through with school, but I am not so sure now. I just don't really know what God has planned, but I know it is working with teen girls mainly and women in abusive situations. I have know for a while that God has sent me through some storms of life so I could help others and this is part of that grand plan. I just wish I could see around the corner of my life a little further and see exactly what God has planned. I guess I just have to wait and trust in Him....o.k.!

My prof was also talking about how much money we can expect to make if we have our own practice or work in a group practice. (Susan has mentioned to me before about "our" practice together! Sounds exciting!) The money seems good, and it was exciting for me to think about earning that much (way better than now!) but I really can't wrap my mind around that because I truly want to just help others. I know that sounds so superficial, but it is from my heart. I know I have to earn a living and I have to provide for my children, but it has never been about the money for me. It has never been about having a "master's degree" to me. I don't care about that. My daddy was the greatest preacher I ever knew and he only had a bachelor's degree. He was sold out for Christ and he loved the Lord with all his heart and it just was so obvious. You could see it by the "fruits" in his life. God took that simple man....uneducated...high school drop out, and made him something so wonderful. I still run into people who tell me how much my dad meant to them. That is so cool to me. He just glowed with his love for the Lord. He never lived in a big, fancy house. He never drove big, fancy cars. He never spoke with great eloquence. But his love was pure and his heart was so big. That is what I am looking for in a man. It is honestly something I have yet to find in anyone I have met......anyone single anyway! I just don't see it in most people. I took my kids to see the Nativity Story on Saturday. It was very good, by the way, but Mary said something about Joseph while he was sleeping that touched me. He had been walking and she had been riding the mule (on their way to Bethlehem) and here she was "betrothed" to Joseph, but she rarely knew him. But it didn't take him long to win her heart with his sweet and gentle love. One of the more tender moments in the movie was when she got a rag with water from the river and washed his feet as he slept. She was talking to Joseph in a quiet whisper and she said something along the lines of "what kind of man would always place others before himself?" This was the kind of man that God chose to raise His Son! It made me cry! It was the kind of father that God chose to give me, too! Praise the Lord! I was so blessed with a father that loved me so purely and showed me true and genuine love for Christ! I think about the man that God is preparing for me and my children. I know he must be very special. I think it takes someone so special to step in when there are children and a past like mine and still love unselfishly. Very few have that kind of love in their hearts. Honestly, I have noticed that most men (and women) want someone that can make them look good. I can't wait to look upon someone that God is preparing for me and whisper in my heart, "what kind of man that would love so unselfishly and place others before himself?" It gives me chills. God is preparing it even now for me. I believe that with all my heart. As my prof is always saying, "That is just God showing off again!" He does that when He loves us! And I have never known a love so true and pure, not even my daddy's, as my heavenly Father's love! Oh, amazing love, how can it be, that YOU my King would die for me?

During the Nativity Story movie, I was really in awe of a God that would leave the comforts of heaven and come to this cold, cruel earth to be beaten and rejected and crucified....for me. Incredible. I was also taught a great lesson during the film. I realized as I watched the wise men and the shepherds make the journey to worship the Baby in the manger, just how God deserves our worship. He sent these wisemen and shepherds hundreds of miles to bring gifts to this tiny Baby. How much more should I...whom He died for, be worshipping and praising Him! He is so deserving. And yet so many men and women go about their daily business day in and day out and never open their Bibles, never attend church, never seek the King of Kings and the ruler of all. It has to grieve His heart so much. It would be as if my children, once I raised them, loved them, cared for them, sacrificed for them their entire lives, left home when they turned 18 and never contacted me again. Oh, it would break my heart. It breaks my heart for my Savior. When will the world realize that it needs Jesus? Oh that I may be a witness for Him!

Well, I need to study for my test and for my presentation I am doing on Sunday to the youth at Brookfield. I am so excited to see them. I have to do this for my Secular Humanism class, but I am very excited about it. I am excited to teach them some great truths found in God's word and I am excited to hug them all!

YEAH!

I have two papers finished now! Whew! That was work! O.k...so to study for my LAST test this Friday. It will be hard!!! Then I am finished! WHOO HOOO!!!

Study, study, study...

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh! I have too much to do before Friday! I have finals this week and papers. Yikes! I am dreading my last final on Friday....but after that I am done until January! Woo hooo!!! Time to get back to work! But church was GREAT, as usual today!

The GOOD that comes through suffering....

I have had the past couple of days off (although I have cleaned and scrubbed my house and I actually do still have class this afternoon) and I have had some time to really study God's word more. I read it everyday, but some days I am rushed and I love mornings where I can rise early and I don't have to be anywhere and I can just read and pray. It is in the quiet moments in the early morning hours with my Savior that I relish. I have been reading a book by Joni Eareckson Tada called When God Weeps and I have learned so much. I have a problem that I think most Americans have and that is I pray for God to remove my sufferings instead of praying for God to show me His strength so I can bear it and grow from it. I am still learning. But one thing God has taught me this week even more than ever is that there is GOOD that comes through suffering. I already knew this, but I fought it....I resisted suffering at all costs. I am learning to just immediately kneel before Jesus and ask him to comfort me. He always does...in fact, He is always waiting there for me. He knows every tear I have ever cried and every tear I will ever cry. He draws me to himself and he wipes my tears with his nail-scarred hands and he says, "I hurt with you. I suffered rejection and pain because you matter to me." When I stop and think about how much my Savior loves me, nothing else seems to matter. When I realize that the Lord loves me enough to prune me and make me more like Him, then I smile. I guess that is what I was supposed to learn all along, huh? I am just a slow learner!

Something else I learned this week is that God wants me to realize just how BIG His dreams are for my life. I guess I have always been willing to settle for mediocre. God isn't happy with that. My pastor said something last week that really made me think. He said you can offer a small child a piece of candy or a million dollars and without exception, they will choose the candy. Why? Because a child doesn't realize the value of the money...they only realize the immediateness of the candy. I am like that. I go for the familiar....the instant ease of pain, instead of waiting for the Lord to give me the million dollars. I reach for the candy everytime. I think about the marriage I had. I allowed it. I have no one to blame. But I was willing to settle for being treated poorly. I was willing to give, give, give, with nothing in return. I was willing to let another completely empty me dry without giving anything in return. Why? Because it was familiar. I went for the candy....and all it did was give me cavities. It was what I thought would make me happy. It was what I thought I needed and wanted. But in reality, I simply wanted pure love. Only God can offer that. I can look high and low for others to fill me up, but it will never happen. God is molding me and changing me and He is starting with my thinking. He is showing me He has so much more for me than all I have ever wanted. I like His dreams better! :) And I am so thankful that God has brought me to a place where I can realize the faults within me and the role I played in the direction my life has taken. I realize the choices I have made that have caused me pain. I see the sin within me and I can see His desire for me to be holy....and not always happy. He is making me pure. It is what I asked for. I am to the place where I realize God has a plan in absolutely everything in my life and I rest in His grace and love and yes, even His discipline.

This past Wednesday I was substituting at Franklin Elementary School. I was in the office filling in for the secretary (of all days...when the weather was terrible and the phone rang off the hook with worried parents!) and the principal and I had a good talk. I could tell immediately he was a very good guy. He seemed so genuine and real and I had only just met him. Well, at the end of the day, when all the kids were gone and it was time to go home, I went outside and noticed someone scraping my windows. We had gotten a severe ice storm during the day and it came so fast, there wasn't even time to let the kids out of school early. But when I walked outside and saw that sweet principal standing in the freezing rain and bitter cold scraping my windows, well, I couldn't help it...I began to cry. My eyes welled up so fast I couldn't stop it. I whispered, "thank you, Lord, for this blessing." His love surrounded me and I heard Him say, "Just wait, Melissa Brant. Just wait and see what I have in store for you. This is only a taste of what I have planned for you." Oh, I am crying now just thinking about it. It doesn't take a lot to make this girl happy! I guess I am human. I just want to be loved. But I have spent too long looking in the wrong places. I have spent too long reaching for the candy. I have spent too long asking...no begging....God to change my circumstances. I know now the greatest change God wants to do is inside of me. He wants to change me.....not my situation. Oh, why do I fret? Why do I feel so down? I, like King David, never want to offer anything to the Lord which costs me nothing, so I will thank Him for the suffering in my life. I will thank Him for the sorrows He has brought me. I will thank Him for the wonderful sculpture He is creating. I will stop looking at the pieces He is chiseling away. I will stop dreading the hammer and stop worrying about the future. My fears have held me back for so long. But Oh, He has lead me through every storm. I will hold on to Him even more.

My Jesus, I Love Thee, and I know Thou art MINE! Thank You, Lord, for wanting so much more for me than I could ever want for myself. I want to make You smile! I want to bring joy to You, just as You have for me. Make my heart pure, Oh God. Help me to be obedient to You, always. Give me clean hands and a pure heart today, I pray!

Some day, God is going to reveal the fact to every Christian, that the very principles they now rebel against, have been the instruments which He used in perfecting their characters and molding them into perfection, polished stones for His great building yonder. --Cortland Myers

Suffering is a wonderful fertilizer to the roots of character. The great object of this life is character. This is the only thing we can carry with us into eternity. . . . To gain the most of it and the best of it is the object of probation. --Austin Phelps

Snow Days are My Favorite!!

We got hit with a big ice storm yesterday and there was no school today! Yeah! The kids and I have made chocolate chip cookies, played Win, Lose, or Draw, and just had a great time talking. They decided they wanted to go outside and brave the weather, so I let them. I bundled them up good and since we have no sled, they improvised! Here are some pics....

Snow Fun!

Redneck Sledding!!

Fighting the crowds....

O.k...so maybe I am an idiot (is there any doubt?) but I decided to get up at 4 am Friday morning and face the "black Friday" crowds! NOT a smart decision on my part! I headed first to Best Buy (looking for an mp3 player for Weezer that was marked WAY cheap) and ended up being faced with a crowd so big I thought I had ended up at a Chief's game! Stupid me, I decided to park a mile away and wait in the line anyway. It took me about 45 minutes to work my way through the line just to find out that what I wanted was loooong gone. (all this before the store even opens!) Oh well, I managed to have a good time talking to the people in line around me! One guy in front of me told me had spent the night in the parking lot with about 100 other people. Are you KIDDING me? Nothing is worth it to me to leave my bed and sleep in a parking lot! He actually was in the computer line, but he had already waited in two other lines. He said a guy brought his big truck with his big screen tv and generator in the back and they all watched the Chief's game! (Guess I WAS pulling into a Chief's game!)

So after my unsuccessful attempt at Best Buy, I headed to Wal-Mart and then Independence Center. I had more fun there! It was crowded, but I was alone, so I can maneuver crowds easier by myself! I had a good day! Got a lot of shopping done and even put up my tree and decorations! The kids will be excited to see all the presents wrapped when they get home today! Yeah! I miss them!

Yesterday I actually worked out on the treadmill and did Pilates and weights. I had a lot of food to work off....and still a long way to go! I didn't get as much studying done as I wanted, but I did get caught up on my sleep! That is very important!!

Well, church was great today. Phil, the youth pastor, preached because Pastor Vernon was gone. His sermon was one I needed to hear. I need to be set on fire again for the Lord. It is easy to get caught up in my "busy-ness" that I fail to remember there are people that need to know the hope that is within me. Search me, Oh God, and know my heart. See if there is any offensive way in me and purify me today, I pray.

Well, got to get busy writing papers and studying. My blogs were becoming scarce, but I decided to update more frequently, but with fewer words! School is over for the semester on December 8! Yeah!!!

Feeling like a stuffed turkey.....

I am not so sure that is a good feeling! :) I had Thanksgiving dinner last night at my big sis' house in Macon. Mom brought Grandpa and Cassi brought Kevin and I brought my kids! Dinner was good and it was so good to be with my family, even if it was for only a little while. Everyone left soon after dinner, but my kids and I stayed the night. Then this morning I had to take my kids to their grandma and grandpa's house in Macon. I ended up coming back home and studying. Nothing extremely exciting, but Phil and I had a great talk while I was at their house. He is so intelligent....he just doesn't like to show it off! I adore him! Beth is a lucky girl!

Purify my heart, Oh God..........

Search me, O God, and know my heart today;
Try me, O Saviour, know my thoughts, I pray;
See if there be some wicked way in me:
Cleanse me from ev'ry sin, and set me free.

My heart is very heavy tonight as I type this. I don't even have time to get into it, but I am so sad. God will lift me up and heal me and that is what I hold on to. He has never let me down and I know He will run to me when I call. I am calling today.

Laughter is always the best medicine....

Oh my, I didn't realize it had been so long since I had written. I have been soooo busy that I have not had time to write. School, subbing, kids, and just life in general has kept me very busy. But it has been good...life has been good. God has done wonderful things in my life and in my heart. He has, like he promised Hezekiah, "heard my prayers and seen my tears and He has healed me." Wow! What a mighty God I serve. Oh, I am not "there" yet....I still struggle with sin everyday and with selfish thoughts and desires, but the pain that once ripped me wide open every waking hour, has been healed. I can only praise my Savior. I want to shout His love from the rooftops. Give me joy and laughter, Lord, but always keep enough rain in my life to make me love you more. You are good and Your mercies are new every single morning. I love you!

So, I don't even know where to start really. I have subbed nearly everywhere in this town. Today, actually, I am subbing for the head football coach at Liberty High School. I am basically in the weight room all day! What fun! Some of these guys are such show-offs and I laugh and laugh at them! I love to laugh. God has given me the gift to laugh easily. I sometimes get to laughing so hard (like I did last night watching the Croc Hunter's show on practical jokes....oh man, just thinking about it makes my kidneys hurt!) that my eyes will water! I truly thank God for the gift of laughter and the joy He sends my way. I sometimes will just pray, like I did today, for God to send me laughter. Now I realize that is a dangerous prayer to pray, because God has a wonderful sense of humor, and before when I have prayed that, the joke has often been on ME! But I can take it! There are too many people that take this life way too seriously, and then there are others that don' t take it seriously enough. It is a fine balance, I guess, sometimes I cross both lines. My kids make me laugh all the time. My friend Susan just absolutely cracks me up! The guys in my class make me laugh. They all call me "notes pimp" because I put my notes on their jump drives for them. They are bums! I am not too proud of that name, but hey, it does make me laugh!

I guess why I appreciate laughter so much is because for a year or so I just really lost it. I couldn't find my humor anywhere. I was down and in the dumps all the time and nothing made me laugh much. I am glad it has returned. I am glad God has restored unto me the JOY of my salvation!

Well, I am taking tests, writing papers, and studying nearly all the time. School is getting harder! I will have 30 hours at the end of next semester if I pass all my classes! I am taking summer classes and J-terms to hopefully get finished in two years. If God is willing! I am working on a 9 member committee at church to plan the winter retreat at Youth Front camps in Edgerton, KS. (formerly known as Circle C Ranch) I am meeting new people all the time. I have even gone on a DATE! I can't believe it, either! He was a great guy and a Christian man, but I am not going to go out again. I just don't think he is the "one". I don't know if God has prepared anyone to be the "one" for me or not. I just know that I am very, very careful and prayerfully considering God's will for me always. I don't want to repeat the mistakes I have made in the past.

Well, I need to run. This class needs my attention! Weight rooms always smell the same!

Gladden my heart, Lord.......

Missionary Amy Carmichael wrote in her book If, "A cup brimful of sweetness cannot spill even one drop of bitter water, no matter how suddenly jarred."

I guess my cup isn't to the brim in sweetness because I spilled a drop of bitter water this past week and it has been a source of grief for me ever since. Last Wednesday evening after church was out I went and got Emmie from Awana's and then headed to get Reid. They are both on completely opposite ends (and floors) of a very large church and I get finished in the youth department at the same time they get finished, so I have to chuck it fast to get them before it gets too late. Well, I got Em and by the time I got Reid it was 8:40ish. His leader was standing there by the door and I could tell she was very angry when I saw her. Apparently Austin was standing by the gym door waiting on his brother and she asked him to leave. She was a bit upset the first night of Awana's when Austin went to get Reid and she told me that ONLY a parent may pick up their child. O.k...I understand that and have no problem with it. Well, this past week, she proceeded to YELL at me because she said Austin was rude and would not get away from the door when she asked him to FOUR times. She said he even yelled to Reid that "mom is coming" when he saw me coming and this angered her even more. She went on and on in a not very nice tone about how Austin just does not know how to respect adults. I have to be honest, in my heart, I kept thinking, "you have a serious problem lady, because what does it hurt even if he were standing by the door"....and to get so upset over that?? However, I apologized several times and then told her I would have a talk with Austin and I was very sorry he didn't listen and obey her. I proceeded to GLARE at Austin as we left and headed to the car. As soon as we got in the car (he knows better than to say a word when I am upset with him) he and Reid both began chiming in about how she did not ask Austin four times, she only asked him once and Austin left. He said the only time he went back was when he saw me coming, and yes, he yelled to his brother that I was coming. Well, I was still upset with Austin and made him write her an apology letter and grounded him from his cell phone, computer, tv, and playstation. He went on and on about how he didn't do anything wrong, but I took her side and told her to respect adults from now on. He wrote a letter of apology and it was good, and I dropped it after that.

Until Friday evening....fast forward two days. I got a phone call around 6 from a lady who was the director of Awana's at church. She tried to act so diplomatic and politically correct and she said she was just checking to make sure I knew what time Awana's got out and making sure I knew I had to be the one who picked up my son. Of course, my blood pressure started rising, because I knew what she was really calling for and I couldn't really believe it had come to that....in CHURCH? I pretty much held my tongue, but I basically called her bluff and told her I knew why she was really calling and I really wished she would be honest with me. So she did. She came clean and told me this lady had complained. I couldn't believe. I really was dumbfounded. I would love to be able to write that this "God's Girl" was so sweet and kind and understanding and acted in love just like Jesus would do....but that would be a lie. I am human and instead of praying instantly, I got angry. I said I felt it was so trivial a thing to get upset over and of course my son would want to wait for his brother. I also said I felt like Austin had done nothing wrong and I thought that lady in question had a terrible anger problem. I regret my words now. I am still going to have Austin apologize because he did upset her, but I have been praying about the situation all week. I am praying that something good will come out of this and I am praying for the lady who was so angry. I don't know her or what she has been through and I pray that God will use my life in whatever way His name can be glorified. But yes, sometimes I need to bask in God's love so that love flows out of my cup and no bitterness will spill over. I pray for God to gladden my heart and send me a smile from heaven!

So, I went to Brookfield last weekend and played with my mom's cats and made her some cookies. My boys went to Mendenhall's and had a blast. They never want to come home from there! I miss living in the country and having lots of space for them to run and be "wild at heart!" They just adore Logan and Micah and I am so thankful for their Christian friendships they have with them. Lavonne made us homemade cinnamon rolls that were the best I have ever had! They weren't good for my hips, but oh, so good on my lips! What wonderful people!

Well, class is going good and so is church (most of the time!). I am learning a lot. God sent a lady into my life this past week when I subbed next door to her and she actually lives down the road. We are very similar and she loves the Lord, too! She came down last night and borrowed some of my books. We are going to walk tomorrow night. She has two kids and we have a lot in common. I am even going to start selling Silpada jewelry to earn some extra money and she said she would host a party for me. I didn't even have to ask! Yeah! I get a 225 dollar bonus if I have 6 parties in the first 60 days....so I am trying very hard! I have prayed and prayed about this, but I believe it is an opportunity that God has placed in my lap. It is even a long story about how I met this lady at church and how I ended up thinking about selling it, but God has so far worked it all out! The God of all the heavens and earth is so amazing!!! Oh, sometimes I am down....o.k..many times, but God is faithful and He always lifts me up. Well, tomorrow I am subbing for kindergarten....my least favorite. I better get some good sleep tonight....they will keep me on my toes!!

Bring me joy, bring me peace......

Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in you

Maybe since my life was changed
long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
to turn my back on you Oh Lord
my only shelter from the storm
so instead I draw closer through these times

Lyrics by Mercy Me

I love that song! It is my prayer...Lord bring me joy, or bring me peace....or bring me rain....whatever it takes to praise You! I just finished reading the book Facing Terror by Carrie McDonnall. She spoke at Pleasant Valley a few weeks ago and I was so taken by her testimony. I think I have already written on here about her story and how she and her husband David were gunned down in Iraq. She talks about how they knew the dangers but God told them to go and they both were willing to give their lives for Christ. Which, looking back now, is exactly what happened to her husband and three of their missionary friends. As I was reading that I had to stop several times and ask myself....would I be willing to die for the Lord? Am I willing to stand in front of a gunman as he asks me "are you still a Christian?" and answer "yes!" Even knowing that my time here on earth is over the minute I utter those words? I know I have never been faced with that situation, but I also believe that I am willing. I pray for the Lord's will to be done in my life and that I never deny my Savior, nor would I ever resist His calling in my life because of fears. Just like Reggie White said the Lord told him one day, "son, you love your life too much." For me, I have learned that I am only passing through this life. It took me losing some very precious people and things in my life before I sat up and started listening to the Lord. I no longer want what this world has to offer and it is a freedom that only Christ can bring. I will be honest, I don't want to be a martyr for Christ. I want to live a long, happy life and raise my children. But I also want to make a difference in this world. I want to mean something for the cause of Christ. I want to show the glory of the Awesome God I serve to everyone I meet. It is only because of the love of Jesus in my life that I have found true freedom and love and my heart bleeds for those who live in darkness.

I was listening to a sermon one time and the pastor was talking about a missionary named William Borden. He was heir to Borden Dairy Estate and had wealth and power at his finger tips, but he gave it all up to follow Christ. He went to Yale and Princeton Seminary before sailing to China to work with muslims. His family and friends said he was "wasting his life to be a missionary" but to Bill, he wrote in his Bible, "say no to self and yes to God everytime." Within the first month of him arriving he contracted spinal meningitis and died. He was 25 years old. When they found his Bible, it was noticed that he had written these words: No Reserves. No Retreats. No Regrets. Wow, what a testimony! He gave away his wealth and his power to serve the Lord and many were won by his love and dedication during his college years. I do not understand why God called him home at such a young age. Only God knows why He does things the way He does, but I can trust that His plan is best for my life and for Bill Borden's life and everyone else. The safest place in the world to be is in God's mighty hands. Even if that means death. Even if that means suffering. The world has it wrong. We are taught to think that happiness comes with money and wealth and power and things and people that love us....but oh no....that is so backwards. Happiness comes from the peace of knowing that I can hope in my future.....I can rest in God's loving arms because He holds me tight and when this life is over, I will finally get to see Him face to face. It is as if I am waiting for my life to end to finally get to unwrap my birthday present! Such anticipation! Such joy it will bring! My dad told me one time after a friend of mine committed suicide...he said, "Babe, dying is easy, it is the living that is hard." Yes, he is right. In this world we will have trouble, but oh, praise the Lord that my Savior has overcome the world!

Well, I have been very ill this week. I got what Emmie had, I think. I had to pray everyday for the strength to get out of bed and go to substitute. I don't have insurance or even sick days anymore, so I can't call in, but man, Thursday morning I wanted to call a sub for the sub! I was so sick. My fever has been high, my throat hurts very badly, my cough is awful and my head hurts! And to top it all off I had a HUGE test on Friday morning. However, like I will repeat, God is faithful. I prayed for strength and He provded. I made it through the week subbing and I even got a perfect score on the test. My professor gave us the answers after we took it (took an hour and a half) and I didn't miss one. (I don't think!) I was proud of myself, but I know it is only because of God's grace that I was able to retain anything I had studied because I was on so much cough and cold medicine all week! It is a good feeling to know I have studied hard and then get the test and know all the answers. Susan, Kelly, and I studied for 3 hours Monday after class and we made notecards and then I just read and reviewed those note cards all week. The test was a breeze!!! (And it was all fill in the blank and short answer, which I think is hard!)

Well, I better get going. I managed to get up this morning and clean my house. I ran the sweeper in every room, dusted, swept the kitchen, cleaned the bathrooms, did some laundry, and washed the boy's sheets on their beds. I am exhausted now because that took all my energy, but I am glad I got it finished!

Is it too early to quit???

O.k....I really don't want to quit, but I do think about it from time to time! It has been a loooong time since I had to study, write papers, and take tests! I have been the one GIVING the tests! I like that better! Sometimes I think I am too old for this and want to bail out....but like my friend Jeff told me, "when God calls you TO something....only He can call you AWAY from it." Yeah, yeah, I know he is right, but sometimes I want to take the easy way out and go back to teaching and not having to pray so much about God providing. Man, that sounds so lacking in faith when I actually write it down. Faith is something I have really had to learn this past year. It takes a lot of prayer and I am constantly praying for forgiveness because my faith is so lacking. I just pray daily God will strengthen my faith. He has, but I still struggle. I have never been wealthy or had "plenty", but I have never had to depend on the Lord from day to day and it is something I am struggling with. My control nature wants to just go get a full time job and go back to work where I "know" I will have enough to pay the bills. But God is telling me to trust Him to provide....and He has. So why do I fear? Why do I worry? Lavonne told me on the phone the other night that faith isn't faith until it is all you are holding on to. I have heard that before. And I know it is all I have now. And God is so trustworthy. When I was whining to Jeff about how hard seminary is and how tough the professors grade (man, they are tough....I got a paper back this week and got a 90 on it and I thought it was very good and so I was bummed...but I later found out the average score was an 80, so I guess I should be happy) but Jeff said he has some wonderful words of advice for me...."suck it up, Princess!!" Yeah, I know, he is right. Pray, pray, pray, study, study, study, and trust, trust, trust.....and QUIT whining!! Good advice! I needed to hear it!

Well, what else has been happening? Austin turned 14 on Thursday. I can't believe I have a 14 year old son!!! I let him pick supper and he picked Mexican food. He loves his Mexican! So I made tacos, these deep fried tortilla things I made up that have sausage and cheese and ground beef and seasoning in them...they are yummy, and a cheese and bean deep with chips. It was good. We later had cake and ice cream, but poor Em didn't hardly eat a thing. She wasn't feeling well. She actually was sick on Friday, too, but I sent her to school, but she came home with a high fever and slept all evening and into Saturday. She barely got out of bed on Saturday and wouldn't eat anything. She woke up this morning and said she felt a little better (her fever was down) but she still hasn't eaten much today. I think she just had the flu. She was puking and coughing and said her head hurt really bad. Poor girl. When she would wake up, she would cry for me and telll me she couldn't sleep without me. Austin felt bad for her so he drew her a picture and it made her smile. Here is his pic.....he loves to draw cartoons!

Emmie got up this morning and drew him one back. Here is her pic back to him.....




















Awww...pretty sweet! I love it when my kids are sweet to each other! (it is so rare!!)

Well, I have a lot of studying to do and I have a big test this week so I better go. Before I do, I was watching tv a bit ago and I happened to see Kurt Warner playing football. I hadn't heard that name in a long time, so I looked him up on the computer. He has a website called First Things First that is a program he and his wife started to help low income and special needs children and to share Jesus. I was reading on there about his testimony and his wife's testimony and it made me smile. I need to be reminded about good men in this world. Sometimes I find myself thinking there aren't any. Now I know there are some o.k. men, some mediocre men, but truly "filled with the love of Jesus" men, you just don't see them very often. Kurt is a man that loves the Lord. He married a woman who had been divorced and not only had children from her previous marriage, but had a severely handicapped son. Yeah, it made me smile. I am so happy for his wife and I don't even know her. She wrote on there how her life was so rough and she lost both her parents in a tornado, experienced her son's brain accident, went through a divorce and then extreme poverty, and how God has blessed her through it all. Amazing. It gives me hope in the God I love. Not for what He can give me or do for me, but just how good He truly is to them that love Him. I an learning to be content where I am right now and I am serving Him now because I love Him, but I can't wait until the Lord joins me with the godly man that He has prepared for me. I have waited a long time and took too many back roads and went my own way too many times, but thank goodness God is patient. Yeah, there are some great men out there still. I am glad I found that website today!

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side;

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.

The single greatest lesson God has taught me this past year is that He will calm my soul. He has shown me that He is all I need. I know now what Jesus meant when He said to His discples that they were not ready to understand all that He had to teach them. I think it takes growing and maturing in the Lord to be able to look back and say, "Yeah, I wasn't ready at that time to truly understand that." God is gracious and loving and He knows our needs more than we know our own. He knows when we are ready to truly "get" something. For me, there have been painful truths in my life that I simply was not ready to understand and face and then to accept and change until God pruned me and broke me. It was a painful process, because I fought it the whole way! I am a stubborn soul. I think I have it all figured out, so I will keep trying things my own way, not bothering to stop and realize that my own way lead me down the path to destruction. I believe, and I pray not foolishly, but I believe God has brought me to a place where I have completely surrendered to Him. I have fought that a lot. I say I want to surrender, but I really want to put stipulations on how far I will go, or how much I will give. It is a battle of my flesh and my spirit. But I can say, like Paul, my spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak. But I am learning!

I have had to take some good hard looks inside of me and see the broken pieces and sometime that meant looking at very painful things....things I chose to cover up for a long time. It is easier to build a wall around your emotions and not face them, than it is to face the pain. But, oh, it is in the light and the truth, surrounded by God's love and mercy, that I am able to face the truth and completely heal. Yep, I had many things God had to prune out of me. My friend Deena, from class, sent me an e-card this morning and it made me cry...but it was just what I needed right now in my life. She simply said that God has taken me through the wilderness, but only because He is preparing to bring me into the Promised Land. How sweet! I can't wait! But ya know, one thing I realize now is very refreshing to me. I used to pray and even BEG God to take me out of this place I am in and bring joy to my morning. I find that the more I surrender to Him and trust HIM to provide for me, the less I fight where I am right now. I guess it is because I am learning to trust Him more and more and I realize that He has a purpose for me RIGHT here and NOW. He has lessons to teach me and love to show me NOW. And the lessons are not about the morning. The toughest lessons are learned in the night. So yeah, I still pray for joy to come in the morning, but I also pray for rain to come in my life, so I remember how much I need and love my Savior. (Dad used to tell me he prayed for sunshine for me, but just enough rain to make me grow!) I don't long so much for the morning anymore. I believe that the valleys in my life have shown me such sweet fellowship with my Jesus, that I am even a little afraid of the morning. I don't want to ever love anything or anyone more than I love the Lord....and for me, it took sorrows that came in the night.....in the valleys. And ironically, I learned to rest in Him and know that He is God in those valleys. Amazing, isn't it? To go from cursing your situation and circumstance, to go to praising God for it because all the love He has shown you there. That is what God has taught me. I trust Him so much more today than even a year ago. I know that I know that I know that He is in control of every detail of my life. Where will money come from to pay my bills? God knows. Where will work come from to make money? God knows. Where will tragedies and sorrows come from that will try to make me doubt God's love for me? God is aware of all things....but one thing I know, I have faced the worst about myself and about life, and I have come out victorious because of my Mighty God. He has provided and loved me when I was not loveable. I trust Him wholeheartedly. Whom then shall I fear?!

So, today I am subbing for a high school art teacher. Now that is funny! When I told Reid I was subbing for art this morning, he said, "Ha...you stink at drawing!!" Thanks Mr. Wise guy! But actually it is graphic art and they do everything on computers....now I can handle that!! Pretty easy day, really! I just watch them make cool things on the computer! One girl was making a poster and her quote was about the Lord. I don't remember it exactly, but it was good and I told her so. She smiled! I love days when I am in the high school! And I actually didn't get lost finding this class....YEAH!

One more thing before I go....I talked on the phone to Z Sunday night for the first time in a loooong time. It has been almost a year since I last saw him. It is strange to me, because I pray for him a lot and I prayed about the friendship we used to have. It has been a source of great pain to me, and I believed for a long time that God wanted me to lay it down and give it to Him, and so I did....for a long time....and I believed it was forever. I never thought I would talk to him or see him again. A few weeks ago I felt God laying it on my heart to email him and say hi. I didn't want to because I wasn't sure it was the Lord, and I really just wanted to forget the past and move forward. But I realized after about a week of praying about it that it was from the Lord. I also realized that I had released all bitterness and anger and God had healed me, just like I prayed. I emailed him and he called Sunday and we had a good talk. It is only the grace of God that can heal a situation like that and bring forgiveness. I pray to guard my heart and I pray God direct my every step. I do this with every area of my life, but especially with him. I have learned from the past. I have learned what happens when I choose my own way and it isn't fun to face God's wrath. It was really good talking to him again, though. It was just like old times when we would talk for hours on the phone. He made me laugh several times. After we hung up, I thanked the Lord for the healing He has brought me and I prayed for God to help me love more like Jesus everyday. Someday, I believe God will show me that He has a wonderful Christian man prepared for me and I am saving my heart for him. Until then, I will guard my heart closely and only give it to the Lord...who is truly the lover of my soul!

God may we be a generation that seeks Your face....

Oh God of Jacob. Psalm 24:5-7

Countless times in the Scriptures it mentions seeking God. Some of my favorite verses are:

God looks down from heaven on the sons of men to see if there are any who understand, any who seek God. Psalm 53:2

But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul. Deuteronomy 4:29

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. Hebrews 11:6

But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul. Deuterononmy 4:29

I met a man yesterday that was a student teacher in a 6th grade science class that I was substituting for. It was kind of strange being called to sub, but sitting there all day watching a student teacher. I actually got a lot of work done on my paper for Counseling Theory. (Yeah! I finished it today.) This man was sharing with me his testimony after I shared with him I was a student at Midwestern. He began to open up to me and tell me about how he wasn't raised in a Christian home, but someone sought him out in college and invited him to an FCA meeting because he played football. He eventually, during his sophomore year at Maryville, accepted the Lord as his Savior. It was interesting as I listened to his story and how he now is a youth pastor at a church just down the road and he is also graduating in December to teach school, just how awesome God is. I sat there after we talked and after I shared with him a little part of my testimony and how I ended up in Liberty and I thought about how God truly does seek us out. I do not believe there is one single soul that God does not tug at, but it is our responsibility to answer the call. This man was a partier (in his own words...."boozing every night of the week!") and how he had no clue about who God really was or even how Jesus saved us from our sins. Amazing, I thought, the transformation. He was now a perfect, model citizen. He had a somewhat tough exterior, but it didn't take him long to open up to me. I have so many weaknesses in my life, but I believe one of my strengths is that I can get through some pretty tough exteriors. I don't know how, either, because usually all I do is smile and start talking. I have noticed it in the classroom and around total strangers. People talk to me. People feel comfortable around me, for the most part. This man was so stiff-necked when I met him and I thought, "gee, wonder if he'll talk!" He didn't at first, but it didn't take long. I pray God gives me a genuine compassion and love for people always and that it just flows from my heart. God is truly amazing the way He can take someone's life and turn it around all because of His perfect love! Wow!

Today I subbed for an elementary P.E./Health teacher and HS football coach for the Jays. I thought it was pretty neat as I sat at his desk, I noticed his collection of books. There were a few Vince Lombardi books and other sport's books, but he also had two books on Christianity. One was called Where is God When it Hurts and the other was something about Living Your Best Christian Life. Neat! God sometimes just blesses my life in the simplest ways. I feel so alone in my Christian walk sometimes and then I meet (or just sit in the classroom of a man) who is a Christian and it makes me feel less lonely. Even today as I was guarding the cross guard spot, a lady and her daughter walked by and I looked at her and said, "You look familiar!" She said, "You do, too." I asked if she was from Brookfield and she told me she was not. Then she finally said, "Church! I met you at church a few months ago!" Yep, that was it. She was one of the first people I met after I moved here and I have not seen her since. This morning was a good morning to run into her. She asked me about seminary (she remembered!) and how things were going. She was a bright spot in my day! She said I had a voice she would never forget!

I had a few other blessings today that came in the form of children! A little girl just walked up to me and gave me a huge hug! A teacher asked me if I knew her and I said, "NO, but I sure liked the hug!" How precious! Another little boy asked me if I could hold his hand! How sweet! I am a terrible elementary teacher because I just want to love on those little guys all the time! I don't want to teach or even control the classroom. I just want to love and and play! I had the third grade class all singing some "High School Musical" songs because one little girl had a shirt on that said "High School Musical" on it. Well, that is Em's favorite movie. I started singing and they ALL knew it and joined me! We were way off task, but it was fun! I am glad the teacher wasn't there! It was a great day and now I have to take my kiddos to church!

Heaven's music....

I was on my way home tonight from the gym and I was listening to my tunes and a song came on that I wouldn't normally listen to. Now I love old classic hymns...but I am not usually in the mood for them when I have just finished working out. But the songs were shuffling and "How Great Thou Art" by the Maranantha Singers came on. I am not even sure how it got on there. I must have downloaded it a long time ago and didn't even remember it. But God is sovereign and He is there even in the tiniest of moments. So here I was just driving along and this song came on and it was as if I were transformed straight at the gates of heaven and God was giving me a glimpse of His choir. It was the strangest thing for me. I have had close moments with God before....sweet fellowship with Him. I have known moments where I just felt His ever presence and love.....many moments. But I don't remember a moment quite like this ever in my life. I don't think it was just an emotional moment for me. I don't think it was just because the Maranantha Singers were that good (even though they are). Nope, I think it was just the Holy Spirit. It was very cool. I had, for a brief moment, a glimpse of my daddy singing to the top of his lungs with the choir. "Then sings my soul, my Savior God to thee, how great thou art, how great thou art...." I know someday daddy will meet me at that very gate and say, "Hey baby girl, I have someone I have been waiting to take you to," and from there we will walk into the presence of Jesus. I can't wait. Heaven is so rich to me sometimes that I just ache to go "home." I long to be there singing with the angels and my daddy. OH what a sweet day that will be for me. I used to fear it because I loved my life too much. Not anymore. I long to be there everyday. After God has broken me and pruned me and molded me and freed me from all my "self-stuff," then he has taken me to the sweetest places with Him. It is a privilege to be broken for Christ. It is an honor to be sifted for His glory. In the valley He has restored my soul. Amen!

Children....obey your parent(s).....

There is a battle in my house going on right now....and it is a battle that with the help of the Lord, I will win. Reid has a chip on his shoulder that I think just naturally comes with 5th grade (Austin's did) and with a strong-willed child. He doesn't like authority and he doesn't understand why things can't go his way all the time. I love him dearly, and we have a very special relationship, but I will not allow him to walk all over me. I will not allow him to disrespect me. It may seem highly strange this day in our society to think that a parent will actually discipline their child....but not to me, and not to my father! I knew growing up that my dad loved me, but I also knew who was in charge, and I seldom tested my boundaries or the authority over me. Reid seems to be testing it a lot lately. Maybe it is because there is really no "man" in the house, but I realize now exactly the challenge before me with him and I refuse to let him grow up to disrespect authority like his father does. I think it is the biggest reason why his father will never (or at least has never) surrendered his life to the Lord. He hates authority and he doesn't want anyone telling him what to do. I see that in Reid. But here's what happened this morning before church:

Reid: Ha, Ha, Emmie I get the last of the juice.

Emmie: I want some.

Mom: Reid, you just said that to start a fight so now you can give the rest of your juice to Emmie.

Reid: No way! No Fair! I am sick of this! Emmie always gets her way! I am tired of it!

Mom: (as I march down the stairs with my mascara in my hand) What did you say?

Reid: I am sick of this! (shouting)

Mom: Well, I am sick of the way you talk to me. You will never talk to me that way again! You better learn some respect and learn it fast!

Reid: Well, I am sick of it. She always gets her way!!!!

Well, I wasn't raised by a dishrag of a father OR mother and I am very thankful that God instilled in me as strong a will as my children have, because I do not back down. I love him too much to let him get away with that kind of talk, so I spanked him. It was silence all the way to church. He would not talk to me. After church, on the way home (perhaps because of a wonderful, Godly speaker named Carrie McDonnall, which I will talk about next) or perhaps God convicted him, but he was very pleasant and apologized for his rude behavior on the way home, but it started up again at the lunch table. Reid started "telling" me in a "supposedly joking" manner that he would get ice cream whether I said so or not. So, discovering he really didn't learn much of a lesson, I sent him to his room, while Emmie, Austin and I ate ice cream. He realized we ate ice cream and started crying for some and apologizing, but it was too late. He was in his room for an hour and no ice cream. As I lay on my bed for that next hour, I listened to him cry....no scream is more like it. He was mad and sad and bursting with emotion that all came out in a yell/sob. I sat and listend for over an hour and I cried, too. I prayed. I cried. Then God spoke to me. I saw myself in Reid. I realized that as I cried and yelled and got angry with God during times God didn't seem present, I knew He had brought me to that place for a reason and sometimes I knew I needed discipline, too. I went in and sat by Reid's bed and I just rubbed his cheeks and wiped his tears. He stared at me and never said a word. "Reid," I said through my tears, "You know I love you more than my own life. You know I would give my life for you. But I love you too much to let you live in your rebelliousness. I love you too much to let you wind up dead or on the streets one day because you never learned to respect authority. I know where you are coming from and I know where you will end up if I don't discipline you, because I have been there. I know what is best for you, whether you think I do or not. I am your mom and God has given me the incredible responsibility of raising you and I want to do it right. And I believe to do it right means to make sure you respect me. Do you understand any of that?" He shakes his head yes. "Then please know that I love you, but I want you to serve the Lord and to love Him and for you to do that better, it is my job to make sure you respect your elders and obey God's laws."

We talked a little bit longer and then I hugged him and kissed him and asked him if he wanted some ice cream! Of course he said yes. He is a good boy...no a GREAT boy, but I can't back down to him. I can't let him control me and it is the hardest thing to do as a parent. Loving and playing and having fun is much better, but sometimes I have to be the bad guy and, like my dad always said, it really does hurt me more than him. But I love him too much to have it any other way. I see Tami's boys and how rebellious they are and I really believe that a huge part of it is because she just doesn't have the backbone to stand up to them. It isn't fun and it isn't easy adn it is CONSTANT work, but I believe the rewards will be great someday. Austin was strong-willed and will occasionally challenge me, but most of the time he obeys. He is a good boy, too. Now Emmie....oh my, where do I start with her!!!

So today at church it was Global Impact Sunday and the focus was missions. There was a guest speaker from Texas named Carrie McDonnall. She was a missionary in Iraq in 2004 when her husband David and three other missionaries were fired upon in their vehicle and all the others were killed. She survived with horrific gunshot wounds. Wow, what an incredible testimony she has. I cried several times during her speech and my kids were spell-bound. She told of the tragedy and heartbreak upon learning of her husband's death and of the painful recovery. She has many, many wounds still visible, but she spoke of her faith in God and his Sovereign Power. What a great lady she is. She has written a book called Facing Terror and the bookstore at church had a bunch of copies and she was doing a book signing after church. I bought her book and she signed it for me. I have already read the first four chapters since church. It is incredible! What a heart for Jesus she has and her sweet husband had. I can't wait to finish the book, but I need to work on a paper for class that is due Friday, so I better go for now. Later.......