Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side;

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.

The single greatest lesson God has taught me this past year is that He will calm my soul. He has shown me that He is all I need. I know now what Jesus meant when He said to His discples that they were not ready to understand all that He had to teach them. I think it takes growing and maturing in the Lord to be able to look back and say, "Yeah, I wasn't ready at that time to truly understand that." God is gracious and loving and He knows our needs more than we know our own. He knows when we are ready to truly "get" something. For me, there have been painful truths in my life that I simply was not ready to understand and face and then to accept and change until God pruned me and broke me. It was a painful process, because I fought it the whole way! I am a stubborn soul. I think I have it all figured out, so I will keep trying things my own way, not bothering to stop and realize that my own way lead me down the path to destruction. I believe, and I pray not foolishly, but I believe God has brought me to a place where I have completely surrendered to Him. I have fought that a lot. I say I want to surrender, but I really want to put stipulations on how far I will go, or how much I will give. It is a battle of my flesh and my spirit. But I can say, like Paul, my spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak. But I am learning!

I have had to take some good hard looks inside of me and see the broken pieces and sometime that meant looking at very painful things....things I chose to cover up for a long time. It is easier to build a wall around your emotions and not face them, than it is to face the pain. But, oh, it is in the light and the truth, surrounded by God's love and mercy, that I am able to face the truth and completely heal. Yep, I had many things God had to prune out of me. My friend Deena, from class, sent me an e-card this morning and it made me cry...but it was just what I needed right now in my life. She simply said that God has taken me through the wilderness, but only because He is preparing to bring me into the Promised Land. How sweet! I can't wait! But ya know, one thing I realize now is very refreshing to me. I used to pray and even BEG God to take me out of this place I am in and bring joy to my morning. I find that the more I surrender to Him and trust HIM to provide for me, the less I fight where I am right now. I guess it is because I am learning to trust Him more and more and I realize that He has a purpose for me RIGHT here and NOW. He has lessons to teach me and love to show me NOW. And the lessons are not about the morning. The toughest lessons are learned in the night. So yeah, I still pray for joy to come in the morning, but I also pray for rain to come in my life, so I remember how much I need and love my Savior. (Dad used to tell me he prayed for sunshine for me, but just enough rain to make me grow!) I don't long so much for the morning anymore. I believe that the valleys in my life have shown me such sweet fellowship with my Jesus, that I am even a little afraid of the morning. I don't want to ever love anything or anyone more than I love the Lord....and for me, it took sorrows that came in the night.....in the valleys. And ironically, I learned to rest in Him and know that He is God in those valleys. Amazing, isn't it? To go from cursing your situation and circumstance, to go to praising God for it because all the love He has shown you there. That is what God has taught me. I trust Him so much more today than even a year ago. I know that I know that I know that He is in control of every detail of my life. Where will money come from to pay my bills? God knows. Where will work come from to make money? God knows. Where will tragedies and sorrows come from that will try to make me doubt God's love for me? God is aware of all things....but one thing I know, I have faced the worst about myself and about life, and I have come out victorious because of my Mighty God. He has provided and loved me when I was not loveable. I trust Him wholeheartedly. Whom then shall I fear?!

So, today I am subbing for a high school art teacher. Now that is funny! When I told Reid I was subbing for art this morning, he said, "Ha...you stink at drawing!!" Thanks Mr. Wise guy! But actually it is graphic art and they do everything on computers....now I can handle that!! Pretty easy day, really! I just watch them make cool things on the computer! One girl was making a poster and her quote was about the Lord. I don't remember it exactly, but it was good and I told her so. She smiled! I love days when I am in the high school! And I actually didn't get lost finding this class....YEAH!

One more thing before I go....I talked on the phone to Z Sunday night for the first time in a loooong time. It has been almost a year since I last saw him. It is strange to me, because I pray for him a lot and I prayed about the friendship we used to have. It has been a source of great pain to me, and I believed for a long time that God wanted me to lay it down and give it to Him, and so I did....for a long time....and I believed it was forever. I never thought I would talk to him or see him again. A few weeks ago I felt God laying it on my heart to email him and say hi. I didn't want to because I wasn't sure it was the Lord, and I really just wanted to forget the past and move forward. But I realized after about a week of praying about it that it was from the Lord. I also realized that I had released all bitterness and anger and God had healed me, just like I prayed. I emailed him and he called Sunday and we had a good talk. It is only the grace of God that can heal a situation like that and bring forgiveness. I pray to guard my heart and I pray God direct my every step. I do this with every area of my life, but especially with him. I have learned from the past. I have learned what happens when I choose my own way and it isn't fun to face God's wrath. It was really good talking to him again, though. It was just like old times when we would talk for hours on the phone. He made me laugh several times. After we hung up, I thanked the Lord for the healing He has brought me and I prayed for God to help me love more like Jesus everyday. Someday, I believe God will show me that He has a wonderful Christian man prepared for me and I am saving my heart for him. Until then, I will guard my heart closely and only give it to the Lord...who is truly the lover of my soul!