Where have I been??

I know the saying, "time flies" seems very cliche', but it is very true. I guess there is a reason it is used over and over. I really don't know where the time has gone or what I have even been doing the past few months! I just can't seem to find time for anything other than school, subbing, church, and my kids. This entire year has just flown. It seems like yesterday my kids were all starting school at their new schools in Liberty. I was nervous, they were nervous....and we were shopping for new clothes! Now the year is nearly over. I know one of these days, if I blink, I will open my eyes and my children will be grown and gone. Time used to just drag on when I was younger....and the older I get the more that has reversed. I heard an analogy one time that said time is like a sand timer. The sand doesn't speed up as it gets to the bottom and is slipping through the tiny hole, it only has the perception of speeding up because there is such little sand left to reach the bottom. That is life. The fewer years we have left on earth (and with our precious children) the quicker they seem to go. It makes me want to hold on tighter, but I know I have to actually let go a little more everyday. Emmie Grace lost a tooth this past weekend at her dad's and she looks so stinkin cute with it missing....right there in the front! But I know today it is a tooth missing, tomorrow it is graduation. I just want to treasure them more and more everyday!

Well, things at school are going good. Actually, I had spring break last week, so it was good to be off. I haven't even thought about school for over a week, but I need to get back in the swing! I get lazy! I am planning on taking two summer classes in July, but that is only if I get a summer school teaching job in June. I have applied for it and I am praying God will open those doors. I know, though, that I can plan my way all I want, but it is God who will direct my path. I trust Him. Reid's leg is healing and he still limps a little, but only in the mornings. Austin is his usual, funny, silly, goofy self! I love him! He makes me smile! My kids are such blessings to me, for sure! I thank God for them every day.

Well, on a more serious note...I have been reading and praying and studying my Bible. I wish I could come here and write that I have been just so "spear-it-chal" (spiritual, for anyone who doesn't read "southern redneck!!!") but that would be a lie. I have fallen more times than I can count. I have grieved the Lord with great sins in my heart and with my flesh. I am constantly having to climb back on the altar and cry out to my God for forgiveness. I know I disappoint Him so much and it makes me sad. I pray for a pure heart, but yet I am always failing. I think I am finally realizing something, though. I know it isn't because of ME that God loves me. It doesn't matter whether or not I stumble (cuz I will) or whether or not I fall and crash (cuz I will) and it doesn't even matter if I seek forgiveness and stand back up because of the grace of God (cuz i definitely will) but what matters most is that it is because of my KING that loves me and because He is so good, that I can even go day to day. I used to put so much pressure on myself and feel like such a loser when I would sin and I felt there was something I had to DO to earn God's love back.....that isn't true. I used to come before the Lord like a small child that knew I had been bad and I was so afraid to reach out to God for forgiveness until there was something I felt I could do to redeem myself.....but oh, what a lie I had bought into by the devil himself. There isn't anything I could do or can do to ever earn God's love and forgiveness. He is good. He is loving. He gives great mercy and they are new every morning. God loves me.....just simply because He is GOOD. I can't even really understand it. But I believe it. I know God hates sin and cannot look upon it, but I also know that I can't earn His love back....He never takes it away. What an awesome concept. It makes me not fear Him and want to do good, it makes me LOVE Him and want to do good. I want to please my Lord. I want Him to delight in me. I want to make my God look down upon me and smile! :) What an awesome God I serve.

Things are really still pretty much the same in my life. No prince charming. No knight on a white horse. I am just tugging along....and feel lonelier than ever most days. I read this quote today in a devotional and I felt God speaking to me: The route to knowing God often passes through the valley of profound loneliness. The depth of character that is developed through loneliness is something that not only enriches the life of the individual concerned, but spills over into the lives of many others also. In periods of loneliness, the Master draws us into His presence so that later, when we speak to others, they sense we are speaking to them from holy ground. ~ Selwyn Hughes

That is comforting to me, because I have often wondered, "why all this loneliness, Lord?" Sometimes I feel I was just made to be alone. Not because I don't have people around me....because I do. That is what is strange. I sub everyday or go to class....always around lots of people. I have my three children every evening with me. But I still feel so alone most of the time. And when it hits me the most, I just talk to Jesus. Actually, I talk to Him all the time, but some nights I just lie in bed and cry to Jesus and tell Him how alone I feel. I was alone when I was married. I never felt, in over a decade of being married, that I could talk to my husband. He never seemed to want to take the time to really talk and listen to me. I always felt so alone. And now, going on four years of being single again, I have spent every night alone in my bed and wondering what it was all for? I wonder if God has anyone planned for me that will love me unconditionally. I wonder if it is just me? I wonder if I am just too difficult to love. I try to figure out God's plans and purposes for me. But I really understand, deep in my soul, that God is just guiding me closer to Him. When I question the most and when I feel the loneliest, God is drawing me unto Himself. I know it in my soul, and even though my emotions and my mind wrestle with the concept, I feel peace in my soul. I know God is holding my feet to the fire until all my dross is removed and He sees His image in me.....until I shine clear and reflect Him. I don't always like it, but I am really learning to trust the One I love....the lover of my soul! I pray God grant me peace and help me to rest in His wings....He is my hiding place. I have gone from asking Him to take away all my troubles, to just saying, "o.k....Lord. I know it is through my loneliness and the stormy weather in my life that I am learning to trust You more, so o.k....have THINE own way with me."

I am still praying for certain things in my life. I still pray over the same struggles and aches and pains, but I don't pray with a desperation anymore. I don't pray with a fervent desire for God to end my pain. I don't pray thinking it is because I can do anything or be anything. I pray because I know satan is at work in my life and I know God desires to break me free of all my strongholds and set me free. So I continue to seek His will and I continue to ask daily and pray without ceasing for God to restore me and and bring the morning. I know He will....in His time and in His way and He will use the mighty resources that He has to accomplish His will. Here is the verse I am working on memorizing today......

Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us. Ephesians 3:20

What a great power that is at work within us. Yes, God's resources are great. I forget that sometimes. I think I can plan it out how God should do things, but I know His ways are always so much better, so much more creative and original than anything I could think of! I trust Him! I love Him!

Winter Retreat.....

Wow, where does the time go? It seems like just yesterday I started serving on the committee for the Youth Winter Retreat at Pleasant Valley back in October. And I just got home today from a very busy, but wonderful weekend at Youthfront Camps in Edgerton, KS. I can't even begin to say how awesome an experience it was to see over 200 youth praising the Lord and growing in God's love. It was fabulous. I was a dorm sponsor and I was with 13 10th grade girls. That was fun! Austin volunteered us to be in the game that is sort of like the Newlywood Game, but with parent/child instead. We didn't win, but we had fun. I knew my son wouldn't answer any questions seriously, and I was right. But he did bring the house down several times. He is naturally a very funny kid! I wish he were more serious, but I know God made him the way he is and I am learning to love him and accept him even though he is different from me. Very different!

Tonight I am tired....no exhausted is more the word, but I am more in love with my Savior than ever. I praise the Lord for my sufferings that have brought me so much closer to Him. I worship Him and love Him more and more every day. He provides and cares for me and I am always amazed at the resources He draws from to care for me. He sends friends my way when I am weary (miss you Beth!) and he provides money for food and bills when I don't think I am going to make it. Oh, create in my a pure heart, Oh God....and a willing and steadfast spirit. I am confident of this one thing....I WILL see good in the land of the LIVING....because I wait in hope for the Lord!

I wish I had time to write more, but I am too tired, so I will post pictures of the weekend instead! School is going GREAT and God is so good!!

Me with my co-sponsor....and wonderful lady named Debi......















Austin and I during the game....















The "adults" having fun bowling....
















Doing the "You're My Brother" Dance

Classes have started...

And I am as busy as ever......I have four classes this semester and I go all day on Friday and Saturdays til noon. ICK! I keep thinking....only a year and a half left! Seems like a loooong ways away.

Reid's leg is healing but he is still on crutches....poor kid. I am hoping he gets to toss them in a couple of weeks. He no longer wears his brace, thank goodness!

More later....

People are often unreasonable and self-centered.
FORGIVE THEM ANYWAY.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives.
BE KIND ANYWAY.

If you are honest, people may cheat you.
BE HONEST ANYWAY.

If you find happiness, people may be jealous.
BE HAPPY ANYWAY.

The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.
DO GOOD ANYWAY.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough.
GIVE YOUR BEST ANYWAY.

For you see, in the end, it is between you and God.
IT WAS NEVER BETWEEN YOU AND THEM ANYWAY.

-Mother Teresa-

Praying for Courtney....

There is a former student of mine that God has brought into my life a few years ago that I have had such a burden in my heart for. There have been some nights God has brought her name to me in my sleep and I woke up and prayed for her. She has had such a rough life and my heart cries for her. She sent me an email a few days ago and asked me to pray for her....and boy would I?! YES! In her email she made me cry when she wrote, "you've always been there for me when I've needed you, so..maybe would you pray for me? I think that's what I need more than anything right now. I read some of the bible today for the first time in a long time. And I know God wouldn't put anything on my shoulders that I can't handle. So, if you get time call me or just pray for me, because I know you're probably busy. :).. thanks Melissa.. I miss you tons." Sweet words to my soul!

So I think this Friday I will go to Brookfield and see her after the kids leave to go to their dad's. I think I will maybe stay the night at mom's or Beth's or Tami's and then go to the Macon tournament Saturday. I need to have a good talk with Tami, too. I miss basketball games! I haven't been to one all year and I miss it. I don't feel a part of anything anymore. I miss being a part of a high school/middle school and knowing the students that play. I feel sort of lost here, but at least I am getting to know a lot of people at Midwestern. In fact, I picked up Deena at the airport on Saturday for her week class this week. I only met her last summer for my summer class and we have stayed in touch over email. She lives in Virginia but commutes for summer classes and J-term classes. I was excited to see her....a fellow counseling major! God has been good to me....very, very good. He has sent me some wonderful Christian friends here. That was my prayer when I moved. I met Megan, who has blessed me in more ways than I can count. Susan is so strong in her faith and has taught me so much, and Kelli, Deena, Joe, Nathan, and Phillip are some of my "buds" from class! I am excited to get started again this semester.....only a few more weeks!!

Gotta get to the gym. I walked 5 miles yesterday and I am going to lift today and do 5 more miles......all because these snow/ice days have me sitting around and eating all the time and I have gained 5 pounds!!!!! I am ready for summer and a tan!!!!!!!!!

He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand....

Beth Moore writes in her book I am reading Get Out of That Pit, "I want consuming fire to rage in my soul, and if it's got to come through fiery trial, so be it. I want Jesus. A lot of Him. And obviously, He wanted me. All of me."

As I read that, I got goosebumps, because I know I found Jesus....all of Him, and it came through a lot of fiery trials of my own. And I am forever thankful that He wanted me enough to send me through those trials. And now I am to a place where I want Jesus so much, that I pray the trials always come my way if I drift. If I go my own way and my Savior starts to miss me, I pray he "burden me back" to His loving arms. A dangerous prayer to pray, I know, but it is my heart's cry. I just want Jesus. As I read this book, I realized something very powerful. Somewhere along the way, Christ has pulled me up out of the slimy pit. He has done it inch by inch. I was sunk so deep and so desperate to be saved, that I cried out to the Lord, and He heard my cry and rescued me. I don't even realize how and when it happened, but it did. He has set my feet on solid ground and I will praise Him forever because I remember what it was like to be in that pit. I can now tell when I am dangerously close to it....and I run far away, back into my Redeemer's arms. I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death, but God saw me in my distress and set me free. I don't think I would have ever appreciated how good it feels to have my feet set on the solid rock of Jesus Christ, if I had never spent so much time in the pit....some of it from my own digging, and some of it from other's pushing me in.....but nonetheless, I have been set free.

I remember when Debbie Patterson was dying of cancer and one particular Sunday she spoke in Sunday School and the words she spoke brought tears to my eyes. Not because I felt sorry for her, but because I knew in my heart I didn't know the One I called "Lord" as she did. I remember the prayer I prayed that day after I got home from church....with my two little boys playing at my feet. I said, "Father in heaven, if it takes cancer for me, too, I want to know You like Debbie does." And I meant it. Well, 10 years later, I realize it didn't take cancer for me, but it took a series of events and an incredibly broken heart to draw me to my knees to seek my King....for real. Yes, I want consuming fire, too. I want it to rage within my soul for my Creator. I want to KNOW Him....really know Him. I want to stand before Him in heaven and finally feel "home" and not in a strange place. Yes, sometimes God puts us in our own "prison" just to set us free. I have tried to crawl out of the pit by standing on the shoulders of another, but that is never very stable. Only God is my solid rock. Only God can set me free!

I know I have been very tiring to the Lord many times, and He tells me all the time, "Melissa, didn't you learn this once already?" But thankfully, He never gives up on me. I love what Beth Moore writes in her book......she says that the most fitting thing to put on her tombstone when she dies is "God Got Tired!" Isn't that a hoot?! I think it would be fitting to put on mine, too. But oh no, He will never let go of me! Even when I doubt and test Him over and over and have to learn the same things......He keeps on loving me.

I am so glad the Lord tore away all my "deformed desires" and saved me from even myself. I had such a stronghold by satan that I wanted to run right back to the very type of situation I was in before.....all because I was looking to be loved. When the greatest love of all was beckoning me from His throne! It is ironic to me now, especially since I didn't realize it then, but I was addicted to the very poison that was killing me. It was toxic to my soul. But it was all out of ignorance....I simply hadn't learned the love of Christ yet....the love that leaves me satisfied and longing for nothing. Finally God said, "no, I have bigger dreams for you! I allowed you to go your own way once and look where you landed. I won't allow it now!" And all I can now say is, "I am so glad that You've torn it all away, Lord. Once I held it in my hand, it was a kingdom made of sand, and I can't believe I can say that I'm glad!"

May all who seek You rejoice and be glad in You! Psalm 40:16

Thinking about swimsuits and more important things....

already!~ Time to start eating healthier! I can't believe I am getting swimsuit catalogs this soon! Yikes!

And Em just said, "Mommy, I need to stop watching scary movies cuz I see scary faces sometimes."

I said, "You know what you need to do when you see them?"

She said, "What?"

I said, "Stop and pray and ask Jesus to help you not be afraid."

Then Reid chimed in, "No, I know what you need to do. Close your eyes and run towards them!"

Oh my, this is what I live with!

O.k...seriously, I do have more important things on my mind tonight..... I have been reading Beth Moore's book Get Out of that Pit. Susan got it for me for Christmas and I LOVE it. God has been teaching me so much lately. I think because I am learning to completely surrender and because of that, I am open to whatever God is trying to show me. I love my Lord. I trust Him. I know that He is always good....always. And everything He has ever allowed in my life has always been for greater gain for His kingdom. Beth writes in her book that we are far better healed, than we were before tragedies and trials entered our lives. We can look back and say, "what if all these things hadn't happened to me?" Or "what if I hadn't done that." But Satan is the master at getting us to ask "what if?" questions. He wants us to think we blew it in our past. But I know better. God is the God of second chances and He always takes and works all things for good according to His plans. I love Him so much and I am so thankful He never gives up on me!

And before I go....I keep thinking and praying about writing a book. It is something I have wanted to do for a long time, but I will pray about it before I take on that challenge. I know that it will only work when "God builds the house..." or I will labor in vain. But if I do, I will call it Looking for Love in all the Hard Places. More about that later.......

Stand in the Rain

I like this song....I guess it is because I can really relate....but God is teaching me that when I stand in the rain....and stand through the pain....His mercy and grace will lead me through to the path of healing....."There is none like You, Lord. No one else can touch my heart like You do. I could search for all eternity long, and find, there is none like You."

Superchic - Stand In The Rain
From the album Beauty From Pain 1.1

She never slows down
She doesn't know why
But she knows that when she's all alone
It feels like it's all coming down

She won't turn around
The shadows are long
And she fears if she cries that first tear
The tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fear's whispering
If she stands, she'll fall down

She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything
She's running from
Wants to give up and lie down

Girl's Day Out....

Emmie and I had a "girl's day" today. The boys stayed home and watched movies, and I took Em to Chucky Cheese. We were going to go to the movies, but we ended up staying at Chucky Cheese for two hours.....so then we went to visit Susan and came home. It was fun. Em had 45 free tokens from a coupon she had gotten at Christmas in one of her movies and I thought she was NEVER going to use them all! She would come and get one, and then another. I kept saying, "use four or five on that game," but she wouldn't bite! I helped her spend some on ski ball...my favorite game! She ended up with 200 tickets and then spent another 30 minutes picking out her prize! She told me as we were leaving that Chucky Cheese made her "high!" What a hoot! I guess that is a lot better than other types of "highs!" Oh, the innocence of childhood. I sure did have fun watching her play and smile and laugh and get giddy with excitement when she would score big tickets! God is good to me. He has blessed me three really great kids!

Here is Em trying to step on all the ones that light up....

I think I'm in love....

with the cutest little third grade boy I have ever seen! He held my hand as we walked to lunch and he kept staring at me all day. It was amazing that he needed help on his math....and his spelling....and his story....and his social studies....he even needed help sharpening his pencil!!!!!!!!!! Oh yeah, and I forgot, he needed help tearing out his math journal page, too! How cute! He stole my heart, for sure! He told me I tell the best stories ever!! By the way, I think he liked me, too! :)

On another note, my oldest son informed me tonight that I am the biggest nerd he knows because I sit around and crochet all the time! I am trying to finish a blanket for Em and I love making things with my hands, so yes, I guess he is right..I am a nerd! He was making videos with my camera when he told me I was a nerd and then he said, "I am going to take pictures of my mom, the nerd!" I said, "go ahead, I am not ashamed! I am confident in who I am..cuz I am the coolest mom in the world!" Then I told him I was so unashamed of crocheting, I would even put these pics on the web!!!! Here I am....the crocheting-nerd-mom!!!

from my devotional today....

The best way to help discouraged and hurting people is to listen with your heart and not just with your ears. It’s not what they say but why they say it that is important. Let them know that you understand their pain by reflecting back to them in different words just what they say to you. Don’t argue or try to convince them with logical reasoning. Patiently accept their feelings—even their bitter words against God—and build bridges, not walls.

In his book about his wife’s death, A Grief Observed, C. S. Lewis wrote from his own painful experience: “Talk to me about the truth of religion, and I’ll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion, and I’ll listen submissively. But don’t come talking to me about the consolation of religion, or I shall suspect you don’t understand” (p. 23).

There is true consolation in our faith, but it is not dispensed in convenient doses like cough medicine. It can be shared only by those who know what it’s like to be so far down in the pit that they feel as though God has abandoned them. If you want to be a true comforter, there is a price to pay; and not everybody is willing to pay it. Paul wrote about this in 2 Corinthians 1:3–11.

John Henry Jowett said, “God does not comfort us to make us comfortable, but to make us comforters.”

Don’t forget: "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze" (Isa. 43:2, niv).

Learning to communicate....

I read the other day that women speak 20,000 words a day and men only speak 6,000....on average, of course. That made me laugh. I already knew that women could out talk men (and sometimes I never shut up!) but still, to see it in print brought a smile to my face. God put us on this earth to learn to get along in the husband/wife relationship, and yet He made us so different.....and especially different in the area it matters most...communication.

As I think about women and the ways they love to communicate...I realize that I love to talk. Mr. Hiser came in a while ago (I am subbing at Reid and Em's school) and he asked me how Reid was doing. I talked and talked! He just laughed at me because I am a nutcase, but I know he was probably thinking...."whew boy...this girl can talk!" I had a guy in class one time tell me he loved being around me because he thought I was fun to talk to. I thought to myself....I do all the talking most of the time! Sometimes I try to make myself just shut-up, but it is hard for me to do. When I think about this, however, I realize that there are times in my life when I just completely clam up. Probably, they are the times I need to talk the most, but I can't hardly get a word out....and not only do I quit talking, but I quit thinking, and I quit feeling. I can just shut myself down. I love it in the Bible when Jesus asks Mary what was troubling her. That is what I think Jesus is always asking me. He already knows what troubles me. He already knows my struggles....but yet He keeps asking. He wants me to tell Him all about it. And that is so hard sometimes for me to do. It is easier to withdraw and clam up. I guess that is why I love to write and to journal...it is a safe place to voice my thoughts without fear of anyone else. I lived for years in a marriage where I tried and tried to talk and share my heart and I was rejected over and over again. I was made fun of for the things I said and made fun of for how I felt. So I learned not to feel or think or even talk. I learned to suck it all in and hide it away. I learned in my counseling class last semester that the mind has many "defense mechanisms" to guard us from pain. I think what it is sometimes called is GRACE.

I looked for so long for Chris to listen to me and instead I found pain and abuse and I became so angry. But I wasn't really angry at Chris, I was angry at God. I felt unheard and let down. But I was asking for the wrong things. I was seeking to be satisfied by Chris, instead of God. I had the wrong idea about relationships from the very beginning. I know that God made marriage to be a love between two people as He loves His church.....and God is always using relationships to draw others to Himself. It isn't to fill ME, it is to show me HIM. I know if God chooses to leave me single for the rest of my life, that I will be o.k. I will cease to be restless because I am already filled. I sit and watch tv or read or play on the computer and I am constantly finding myself talking to the Lord. I will share things with Him that make me laugh and I will thank Him for lessons He teaches me.....I didn't even realize it until yesterday....but He truly is my best friend. I looked for Z for a long time to satisfy my hungry soul and I got so scared that he would do the same thing Chris did....discard me....so I ran away instead.....and even when I have been confronted with what I feared the most, I have realized that therein held the greatest lesson God was trying to teach me.....I still had Him. He is still there crying out to me..."Melissa, talk to me. What is it that is troubling you? Share with me your burdens." Isn't that the coolest thing?! I always knew that Chris didn't want to hear me. I always knew I would be ridiculed if I ever dared to share my heart with him....and I knew many times that Z tried to listen to me, but I often wondered if he really didn't care, either. I never knew for sure. There have been many times that he would try to get me to talk and I really wanted to, but it was so hard to trust him.....so difficult to open myself up....and so much pain that followed when I did....but what I know is true...and I am finally starting to really believe in my heart is that God really does care....always. He never fakes it. He really wants to know what is on my heart. He really wants to know what I feel and think. Amazing isn't it? The King of the Universe cares for me and calls me "friend." Christ alone has changed my thinking. Someday God will maybe find me worthy of a godly man's love and I will know in my heart he is the one when he always points me to my Father in heaven...and not himself. I used to look for that "giddy" feeling. That "oh so in love" feeling. That isn't the kind of love that lasts. I see young couples all the time who are so in love for a short time....it is the "Brittany Spears" syndrome. It fades and dies because it was really lust. I am not a relationship expert, but God has taught me so much through a decade of a failed marriage. He has taught me a love that lasts and it is only in Him that I find it. So if I do meet someone and feel like I love him enough to consider giving marriage another chance, it won't be the butterflies in my stomach that let me know. It won't be the goosebumps on my arms that guide me....it will be the reflection of Christ that I see in his face. Because Christ, after all, is my first love......