Where have I been??

I know the saying, "time flies" seems very cliche', but it is very true. I guess there is a reason it is used over and over. I really don't know where the time has gone or what I have even been doing the past few months! I just can't seem to find time for anything other than school, subbing, church, and my kids. This entire year has just flown. It seems like yesterday my kids were all starting school at their new schools in Liberty. I was nervous, they were nervous....and we were shopping for new clothes! Now the year is nearly over. I know one of these days, if I blink, I will open my eyes and my children will be grown and gone. Time used to just drag on when I was younger....and the older I get the more that has reversed. I heard an analogy one time that said time is like a sand timer. The sand doesn't speed up as it gets to the bottom and is slipping through the tiny hole, it only has the perception of speeding up because there is such little sand left to reach the bottom. That is life. The fewer years we have left on earth (and with our precious children) the quicker they seem to go. It makes me want to hold on tighter, but I know I have to actually let go a little more everyday. Emmie Grace lost a tooth this past weekend at her dad's and she looks so stinkin cute with it missing....right there in the front! But I know today it is a tooth missing, tomorrow it is graduation. I just want to treasure them more and more everyday!

Well, things at school are going good. Actually, I had spring break last week, so it was good to be off. I haven't even thought about school for over a week, but I need to get back in the swing! I get lazy! I am planning on taking two summer classes in July, but that is only if I get a summer school teaching job in June. I have applied for it and I am praying God will open those doors. I know, though, that I can plan my way all I want, but it is God who will direct my path. I trust Him. Reid's leg is healing and he still limps a little, but only in the mornings. Austin is his usual, funny, silly, goofy self! I love him! He makes me smile! My kids are such blessings to me, for sure! I thank God for them every day.

Well, on a more serious note...I have been reading and praying and studying my Bible. I wish I could come here and write that I have been just so "spear-it-chal" (spiritual, for anyone who doesn't read "southern redneck!!!") but that would be a lie. I have fallen more times than I can count. I have grieved the Lord with great sins in my heart and with my flesh. I am constantly having to climb back on the altar and cry out to my God for forgiveness. I know I disappoint Him so much and it makes me sad. I pray for a pure heart, but yet I am always failing. I think I am finally realizing something, though. I know it isn't because of ME that God loves me. It doesn't matter whether or not I stumble (cuz I will) or whether or not I fall and crash (cuz I will) and it doesn't even matter if I seek forgiveness and stand back up because of the grace of God (cuz i definitely will) but what matters most is that it is because of my KING that loves me and because He is so good, that I can even go day to day. I used to put so much pressure on myself and feel like such a loser when I would sin and I felt there was something I had to DO to earn God's love back.....that isn't true. I used to come before the Lord like a small child that knew I had been bad and I was so afraid to reach out to God for forgiveness until there was something I felt I could do to redeem myself.....but oh, what a lie I had bought into by the devil himself. There isn't anything I could do or can do to ever earn God's love and forgiveness. He is good. He is loving. He gives great mercy and they are new every morning. God loves me.....just simply because He is GOOD. I can't even really understand it. But I believe it. I know God hates sin and cannot look upon it, but I also know that I can't earn His love back....He never takes it away. What an awesome concept. It makes me not fear Him and want to do good, it makes me LOVE Him and want to do good. I want to please my Lord. I want Him to delight in me. I want to make my God look down upon me and smile! :) What an awesome God I serve.

Things are really still pretty much the same in my life. No prince charming. No knight on a white horse. I am just tugging along....and feel lonelier than ever most days. I read this quote today in a devotional and I felt God speaking to me: The route to knowing God often passes through the valley of profound loneliness. The depth of character that is developed through loneliness is something that not only enriches the life of the individual concerned, but spills over into the lives of many others also. In periods of loneliness, the Master draws us into His presence so that later, when we speak to others, they sense we are speaking to them from holy ground. ~ Selwyn Hughes

That is comforting to me, because I have often wondered, "why all this loneliness, Lord?" Sometimes I feel I was just made to be alone. Not because I don't have people around me....because I do. That is what is strange. I sub everyday or go to class....always around lots of people. I have my three children every evening with me. But I still feel so alone most of the time. And when it hits me the most, I just talk to Jesus. Actually, I talk to Him all the time, but some nights I just lie in bed and cry to Jesus and tell Him how alone I feel. I was alone when I was married. I never felt, in over a decade of being married, that I could talk to my husband. He never seemed to want to take the time to really talk and listen to me. I always felt so alone. And now, going on four years of being single again, I have spent every night alone in my bed and wondering what it was all for? I wonder if God has anyone planned for me that will love me unconditionally. I wonder if it is just me? I wonder if I am just too difficult to love. I try to figure out God's plans and purposes for me. But I really understand, deep in my soul, that God is just guiding me closer to Him. When I question the most and when I feel the loneliest, God is drawing me unto Himself. I know it in my soul, and even though my emotions and my mind wrestle with the concept, I feel peace in my soul. I know God is holding my feet to the fire until all my dross is removed and He sees His image in me.....until I shine clear and reflect Him. I don't always like it, but I am really learning to trust the One I love....the lover of my soul! I pray God grant me peace and help me to rest in His wings....He is my hiding place. I have gone from asking Him to take away all my troubles, to just saying, "o.k....Lord. I know it is through my loneliness and the stormy weather in my life that I am learning to trust You more, so o.k....have THINE own way with me."

I am still praying for certain things in my life. I still pray over the same struggles and aches and pains, but I don't pray with a desperation anymore. I don't pray with a fervent desire for God to end my pain. I don't pray thinking it is because I can do anything or be anything. I pray because I know satan is at work in my life and I know God desires to break me free of all my strongholds and set me free. So I continue to seek His will and I continue to ask daily and pray without ceasing for God to restore me and and bring the morning. I know He will....in His time and in His way and He will use the mighty resources that He has to accomplish His will. Here is the verse I am working on memorizing today......

Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us. Ephesians 3:20

What a great power that is at work within us. Yes, God's resources are great. I forget that sometimes. I think I can plan it out how God should do things, but I know His ways are always so much better, so much more creative and original than anything I could think of! I trust Him! I love Him!