Bring me joy, bring me peace......

Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in you

Maybe since my life was changed
long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
to turn my back on you Oh Lord
my only shelter from the storm
so instead I draw closer through these times

Lyrics by Mercy Me

I love that song! It is my prayer...Lord bring me joy, or bring me peace....or bring me rain....whatever it takes to praise You! I just finished reading the book Facing Terror by Carrie McDonnall. She spoke at Pleasant Valley a few weeks ago and I was so taken by her testimony. I think I have already written on here about her story and how she and her husband David were gunned down in Iraq. She talks about how they knew the dangers but God told them to go and they both were willing to give their lives for Christ. Which, looking back now, is exactly what happened to her husband and three of their missionary friends. As I was reading that I had to stop several times and ask myself....would I be willing to die for the Lord? Am I willing to stand in front of a gunman as he asks me "are you still a Christian?" and answer "yes!" Even knowing that my time here on earth is over the minute I utter those words? I know I have never been faced with that situation, but I also believe that I am willing. I pray for the Lord's will to be done in my life and that I never deny my Savior, nor would I ever resist His calling in my life because of fears. Just like Reggie White said the Lord told him one day, "son, you love your life too much." For me, I have learned that I am only passing through this life. It took me losing some very precious people and things in my life before I sat up and started listening to the Lord. I no longer want what this world has to offer and it is a freedom that only Christ can bring. I will be honest, I don't want to be a martyr for Christ. I want to live a long, happy life and raise my children. But I also want to make a difference in this world. I want to mean something for the cause of Christ. I want to show the glory of the Awesome God I serve to everyone I meet. It is only because of the love of Jesus in my life that I have found true freedom and love and my heart bleeds for those who live in darkness.

I was listening to a sermon one time and the pastor was talking about a missionary named William Borden. He was heir to Borden Dairy Estate and had wealth and power at his finger tips, but he gave it all up to follow Christ. He went to Yale and Princeton Seminary before sailing to China to work with muslims. His family and friends said he was "wasting his life to be a missionary" but to Bill, he wrote in his Bible, "say no to self and yes to God everytime." Within the first month of him arriving he contracted spinal meningitis and died. He was 25 years old. When they found his Bible, it was noticed that he had written these words: No Reserves. No Retreats. No Regrets. Wow, what a testimony! He gave away his wealth and his power to serve the Lord and many were won by his love and dedication during his college years. I do not understand why God called him home at such a young age. Only God knows why He does things the way He does, but I can trust that His plan is best for my life and for Bill Borden's life and everyone else. The safest place in the world to be is in God's mighty hands. Even if that means death. Even if that means suffering. The world has it wrong. We are taught to think that happiness comes with money and wealth and power and things and people that love us....but oh no....that is so backwards. Happiness comes from the peace of knowing that I can hope in my future.....I can rest in God's loving arms because He holds me tight and when this life is over, I will finally get to see Him face to face. It is as if I am waiting for my life to end to finally get to unwrap my birthday present! Such anticipation! Such joy it will bring! My dad told me one time after a friend of mine committed suicide...he said, "Babe, dying is easy, it is the living that is hard." Yes, he is right. In this world we will have trouble, but oh, praise the Lord that my Savior has overcome the world!

Well, I have been very ill this week. I got what Emmie had, I think. I had to pray everyday for the strength to get out of bed and go to substitute. I don't have insurance or even sick days anymore, so I can't call in, but man, Thursday morning I wanted to call a sub for the sub! I was so sick. My fever has been high, my throat hurts very badly, my cough is awful and my head hurts! And to top it all off I had a HUGE test on Friday morning. However, like I will repeat, God is faithful. I prayed for strength and He provded. I made it through the week subbing and I even got a perfect score on the test. My professor gave us the answers after we took it (took an hour and a half) and I didn't miss one. (I don't think!) I was proud of myself, but I know it is only because of God's grace that I was able to retain anything I had studied because I was on so much cough and cold medicine all week! It is a good feeling to know I have studied hard and then get the test and know all the answers. Susan, Kelly, and I studied for 3 hours Monday after class and we made notecards and then I just read and reviewed those note cards all week. The test was a breeze!!! (And it was all fill in the blank and short answer, which I think is hard!)

Well, I better get going. I managed to get up this morning and clean my house. I ran the sweeper in every room, dusted, swept the kitchen, cleaned the bathrooms, did some laundry, and washed the boy's sheets on their beds. I am exhausted now because that took all my energy, but I am glad I got it finished!

Is it too early to quit???

O.k....I really don't want to quit, but I do think about it from time to time! It has been a loooong time since I had to study, write papers, and take tests! I have been the one GIVING the tests! I like that better! Sometimes I think I am too old for this and want to bail out....but like my friend Jeff told me, "when God calls you TO something....only He can call you AWAY from it." Yeah, yeah, I know he is right, but sometimes I want to take the easy way out and go back to teaching and not having to pray so much about God providing. Man, that sounds so lacking in faith when I actually write it down. Faith is something I have really had to learn this past year. It takes a lot of prayer and I am constantly praying for forgiveness because my faith is so lacking. I just pray daily God will strengthen my faith. He has, but I still struggle. I have never been wealthy or had "plenty", but I have never had to depend on the Lord from day to day and it is something I am struggling with. My control nature wants to just go get a full time job and go back to work where I "know" I will have enough to pay the bills. But God is telling me to trust Him to provide....and He has. So why do I fear? Why do I worry? Lavonne told me on the phone the other night that faith isn't faith until it is all you are holding on to. I have heard that before. And I know it is all I have now. And God is so trustworthy. When I was whining to Jeff about how hard seminary is and how tough the professors grade (man, they are tough....I got a paper back this week and got a 90 on it and I thought it was very good and so I was bummed...but I later found out the average score was an 80, so I guess I should be happy) but Jeff said he has some wonderful words of advice for me...."suck it up, Princess!!" Yeah, I know, he is right. Pray, pray, pray, study, study, study, and trust, trust, trust.....and QUIT whining!! Good advice! I needed to hear it!

Well, what else has been happening? Austin turned 14 on Thursday. I can't believe I have a 14 year old son!!! I let him pick supper and he picked Mexican food. He loves his Mexican! So I made tacos, these deep fried tortilla things I made up that have sausage and cheese and ground beef and seasoning in them...they are yummy, and a cheese and bean deep with chips. It was good. We later had cake and ice cream, but poor Em didn't hardly eat a thing. She wasn't feeling well. She actually was sick on Friday, too, but I sent her to school, but she came home with a high fever and slept all evening and into Saturday. She barely got out of bed on Saturday and wouldn't eat anything. She woke up this morning and said she felt a little better (her fever was down) but she still hasn't eaten much today. I think she just had the flu. She was puking and coughing and said her head hurt really bad. Poor girl. When she would wake up, she would cry for me and telll me she couldn't sleep without me. Austin felt bad for her so he drew her a picture and it made her smile. Here is his pic.....he loves to draw cartoons!

Emmie got up this morning and drew him one back. Here is her pic back to him.....




















Awww...pretty sweet! I love it when my kids are sweet to each other! (it is so rare!!)

Well, I have a lot of studying to do and I have a big test this week so I better go. Before I do, I was watching tv a bit ago and I happened to see Kurt Warner playing football. I hadn't heard that name in a long time, so I looked him up on the computer. He has a website called First Things First that is a program he and his wife started to help low income and special needs children and to share Jesus. I was reading on there about his testimony and his wife's testimony and it made me smile. I need to be reminded about good men in this world. Sometimes I find myself thinking there aren't any. Now I know there are some o.k. men, some mediocre men, but truly "filled with the love of Jesus" men, you just don't see them very often. Kurt is a man that loves the Lord. He married a woman who had been divorced and not only had children from her previous marriage, but had a severely handicapped son. Yeah, it made me smile. I am so happy for his wife and I don't even know her. She wrote on there how her life was so rough and she lost both her parents in a tornado, experienced her son's brain accident, went through a divorce and then extreme poverty, and how God has blessed her through it all. Amazing. It gives me hope in the God I love. Not for what He can give me or do for me, but just how good He truly is to them that love Him. I an learning to be content where I am right now and I am serving Him now because I love Him, but I can't wait until the Lord joins me with the godly man that He has prepared for me. I have waited a long time and took too many back roads and went my own way too many times, but thank goodness God is patient. Yeah, there are some great men out there still. I am glad I found that website today!

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side;

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.

The single greatest lesson God has taught me this past year is that He will calm my soul. He has shown me that He is all I need. I know now what Jesus meant when He said to His discples that they were not ready to understand all that He had to teach them. I think it takes growing and maturing in the Lord to be able to look back and say, "Yeah, I wasn't ready at that time to truly understand that." God is gracious and loving and He knows our needs more than we know our own. He knows when we are ready to truly "get" something. For me, there have been painful truths in my life that I simply was not ready to understand and face and then to accept and change until God pruned me and broke me. It was a painful process, because I fought it the whole way! I am a stubborn soul. I think I have it all figured out, so I will keep trying things my own way, not bothering to stop and realize that my own way lead me down the path to destruction. I believe, and I pray not foolishly, but I believe God has brought me to a place where I have completely surrendered to Him. I have fought that a lot. I say I want to surrender, but I really want to put stipulations on how far I will go, or how much I will give. It is a battle of my flesh and my spirit. But I can say, like Paul, my spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak. But I am learning!

I have had to take some good hard looks inside of me and see the broken pieces and sometime that meant looking at very painful things....things I chose to cover up for a long time. It is easier to build a wall around your emotions and not face them, than it is to face the pain. But, oh, it is in the light and the truth, surrounded by God's love and mercy, that I am able to face the truth and completely heal. Yep, I had many things God had to prune out of me. My friend Deena, from class, sent me an e-card this morning and it made me cry...but it was just what I needed right now in my life. She simply said that God has taken me through the wilderness, but only because He is preparing to bring me into the Promised Land. How sweet! I can't wait! But ya know, one thing I realize now is very refreshing to me. I used to pray and even BEG God to take me out of this place I am in and bring joy to my morning. I find that the more I surrender to Him and trust HIM to provide for me, the less I fight where I am right now. I guess it is because I am learning to trust Him more and more and I realize that He has a purpose for me RIGHT here and NOW. He has lessons to teach me and love to show me NOW. And the lessons are not about the morning. The toughest lessons are learned in the night. So yeah, I still pray for joy to come in the morning, but I also pray for rain to come in my life, so I remember how much I need and love my Savior. (Dad used to tell me he prayed for sunshine for me, but just enough rain to make me grow!) I don't long so much for the morning anymore. I believe that the valleys in my life have shown me such sweet fellowship with my Jesus, that I am even a little afraid of the morning. I don't want to ever love anything or anyone more than I love the Lord....and for me, it took sorrows that came in the night.....in the valleys. And ironically, I learned to rest in Him and know that He is God in those valleys. Amazing, isn't it? To go from cursing your situation and circumstance, to go to praising God for it because all the love He has shown you there. That is what God has taught me. I trust Him so much more today than even a year ago. I know that I know that I know that He is in control of every detail of my life. Where will money come from to pay my bills? God knows. Where will work come from to make money? God knows. Where will tragedies and sorrows come from that will try to make me doubt God's love for me? God is aware of all things....but one thing I know, I have faced the worst about myself and about life, and I have come out victorious because of my Mighty God. He has provided and loved me when I was not loveable. I trust Him wholeheartedly. Whom then shall I fear?!

So, today I am subbing for a high school art teacher. Now that is funny! When I told Reid I was subbing for art this morning, he said, "Ha...you stink at drawing!!" Thanks Mr. Wise guy! But actually it is graphic art and they do everything on computers....now I can handle that!! Pretty easy day, really! I just watch them make cool things on the computer! One girl was making a poster and her quote was about the Lord. I don't remember it exactly, but it was good and I told her so. She smiled! I love days when I am in the high school! And I actually didn't get lost finding this class....YEAH!

One more thing before I go....I talked on the phone to Z Sunday night for the first time in a loooong time. It has been almost a year since I last saw him. It is strange to me, because I pray for him a lot and I prayed about the friendship we used to have. It has been a source of great pain to me, and I believed for a long time that God wanted me to lay it down and give it to Him, and so I did....for a long time....and I believed it was forever. I never thought I would talk to him or see him again. A few weeks ago I felt God laying it on my heart to email him and say hi. I didn't want to because I wasn't sure it was the Lord, and I really just wanted to forget the past and move forward. But I realized after about a week of praying about it that it was from the Lord. I also realized that I had released all bitterness and anger and God had healed me, just like I prayed. I emailed him and he called Sunday and we had a good talk. It is only the grace of God that can heal a situation like that and bring forgiveness. I pray to guard my heart and I pray God direct my every step. I do this with every area of my life, but especially with him. I have learned from the past. I have learned what happens when I choose my own way and it isn't fun to face God's wrath. It was really good talking to him again, though. It was just like old times when we would talk for hours on the phone. He made me laugh several times. After we hung up, I thanked the Lord for the healing He has brought me and I prayed for God to help me love more like Jesus everyday. Someday, I believe God will show me that He has a wonderful Christian man prepared for me and I am saving my heart for him. Until then, I will guard my heart closely and only give it to the Lord...who is truly the lover of my soul!

God may we be a generation that seeks Your face....

Oh God of Jacob. Psalm 24:5-7

Countless times in the Scriptures it mentions seeking God. Some of my favorite verses are:

God looks down from heaven on the sons of men to see if there are any who understand, any who seek God. Psalm 53:2

But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul. Deuteronomy 4:29

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. Hebrews 11:6

But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul. Deuterononmy 4:29

I met a man yesterday that was a student teacher in a 6th grade science class that I was substituting for. It was kind of strange being called to sub, but sitting there all day watching a student teacher. I actually got a lot of work done on my paper for Counseling Theory. (Yeah! I finished it today.) This man was sharing with me his testimony after I shared with him I was a student at Midwestern. He began to open up to me and tell me about how he wasn't raised in a Christian home, but someone sought him out in college and invited him to an FCA meeting because he played football. He eventually, during his sophomore year at Maryville, accepted the Lord as his Savior. It was interesting as I listened to his story and how he now is a youth pastor at a church just down the road and he is also graduating in December to teach school, just how awesome God is. I sat there after we talked and after I shared with him a little part of my testimony and how I ended up in Liberty and I thought about how God truly does seek us out. I do not believe there is one single soul that God does not tug at, but it is our responsibility to answer the call. This man was a partier (in his own words...."boozing every night of the week!") and how he had no clue about who God really was or even how Jesus saved us from our sins. Amazing, I thought, the transformation. He was now a perfect, model citizen. He had a somewhat tough exterior, but it didn't take him long to open up to me. I have so many weaknesses in my life, but I believe one of my strengths is that I can get through some pretty tough exteriors. I don't know how, either, because usually all I do is smile and start talking. I have noticed it in the classroom and around total strangers. People talk to me. People feel comfortable around me, for the most part. This man was so stiff-necked when I met him and I thought, "gee, wonder if he'll talk!" He didn't at first, but it didn't take long. I pray God gives me a genuine compassion and love for people always and that it just flows from my heart. God is truly amazing the way He can take someone's life and turn it around all because of His perfect love! Wow!

Today I subbed for an elementary P.E./Health teacher and HS football coach for the Jays. I thought it was pretty neat as I sat at his desk, I noticed his collection of books. There were a few Vince Lombardi books and other sport's books, but he also had two books on Christianity. One was called Where is God When it Hurts and the other was something about Living Your Best Christian Life. Neat! God sometimes just blesses my life in the simplest ways. I feel so alone in my Christian walk sometimes and then I meet (or just sit in the classroom of a man) who is a Christian and it makes me feel less lonely. Even today as I was guarding the cross guard spot, a lady and her daughter walked by and I looked at her and said, "You look familiar!" She said, "You do, too." I asked if she was from Brookfield and she told me she was not. Then she finally said, "Church! I met you at church a few months ago!" Yep, that was it. She was one of the first people I met after I moved here and I have not seen her since. This morning was a good morning to run into her. She asked me about seminary (she remembered!) and how things were going. She was a bright spot in my day! She said I had a voice she would never forget!

I had a few other blessings today that came in the form of children! A little girl just walked up to me and gave me a huge hug! A teacher asked me if I knew her and I said, "NO, but I sure liked the hug!" How precious! Another little boy asked me if I could hold his hand! How sweet! I am a terrible elementary teacher because I just want to love on those little guys all the time! I don't want to teach or even control the classroom. I just want to love and and play! I had the third grade class all singing some "High School Musical" songs because one little girl had a shirt on that said "High School Musical" on it. Well, that is Em's favorite movie. I started singing and they ALL knew it and joined me! We were way off task, but it was fun! I am glad the teacher wasn't there! It was a great day and now I have to take my kiddos to church!

Heaven's music....

I was on my way home tonight from the gym and I was listening to my tunes and a song came on that I wouldn't normally listen to. Now I love old classic hymns...but I am not usually in the mood for them when I have just finished working out. But the songs were shuffling and "How Great Thou Art" by the Maranantha Singers came on. I am not even sure how it got on there. I must have downloaded it a long time ago and didn't even remember it. But God is sovereign and He is there even in the tiniest of moments. So here I was just driving along and this song came on and it was as if I were transformed straight at the gates of heaven and God was giving me a glimpse of His choir. It was the strangest thing for me. I have had close moments with God before....sweet fellowship with Him. I have known moments where I just felt His ever presence and love.....many moments. But I don't remember a moment quite like this ever in my life. I don't think it was just an emotional moment for me. I don't think it was just because the Maranantha Singers were that good (even though they are). Nope, I think it was just the Holy Spirit. It was very cool. I had, for a brief moment, a glimpse of my daddy singing to the top of his lungs with the choir. "Then sings my soul, my Savior God to thee, how great thou art, how great thou art...." I know someday daddy will meet me at that very gate and say, "Hey baby girl, I have someone I have been waiting to take you to," and from there we will walk into the presence of Jesus. I can't wait. Heaven is so rich to me sometimes that I just ache to go "home." I long to be there singing with the angels and my daddy. OH what a sweet day that will be for me. I used to fear it because I loved my life too much. Not anymore. I long to be there everyday. After God has broken me and pruned me and molded me and freed me from all my "self-stuff," then he has taken me to the sweetest places with Him. It is a privilege to be broken for Christ. It is an honor to be sifted for His glory. In the valley He has restored my soul. Amen!

Children....obey your parent(s).....

There is a battle in my house going on right now....and it is a battle that with the help of the Lord, I will win. Reid has a chip on his shoulder that I think just naturally comes with 5th grade (Austin's did) and with a strong-willed child. He doesn't like authority and he doesn't understand why things can't go his way all the time. I love him dearly, and we have a very special relationship, but I will not allow him to walk all over me. I will not allow him to disrespect me. It may seem highly strange this day in our society to think that a parent will actually discipline their child....but not to me, and not to my father! I knew growing up that my dad loved me, but I also knew who was in charge, and I seldom tested my boundaries or the authority over me. Reid seems to be testing it a lot lately. Maybe it is because there is really no "man" in the house, but I realize now exactly the challenge before me with him and I refuse to let him grow up to disrespect authority like his father does. I think it is the biggest reason why his father will never (or at least has never) surrendered his life to the Lord. He hates authority and he doesn't want anyone telling him what to do. I see that in Reid. But here's what happened this morning before church:

Reid: Ha, Ha, Emmie I get the last of the juice.

Emmie: I want some.

Mom: Reid, you just said that to start a fight so now you can give the rest of your juice to Emmie.

Reid: No way! No Fair! I am sick of this! Emmie always gets her way! I am tired of it!

Mom: (as I march down the stairs with my mascara in my hand) What did you say?

Reid: I am sick of this! (shouting)

Mom: Well, I am sick of the way you talk to me. You will never talk to me that way again! You better learn some respect and learn it fast!

Reid: Well, I am sick of it. She always gets her way!!!!

Well, I wasn't raised by a dishrag of a father OR mother and I am very thankful that God instilled in me as strong a will as my children have, because I do not back down. I love him too much to let him get away with that kind of talk, so I spanked him. It was silence all the way to church. He would not talk to me. After church, on the way home (perhaps because of a wonderful, Godly speaker named Carrie McDonnall, which I will talk about next) or perhaps God convicted him, but he was very pleasant and apologized for his rude behavior on the way home, but it started up again at the lunch table. Reid started "telling" me in a "supposedly joking" manner that he would get ice cream whether I said so or not. So, discovering he really didn't learn much of a lesson, I sent him to his room, while Emmie, Austin and I ate ice cream. He realized we ate ice cream and started crying for some and apologizing, but it was too late. He was in his room for an hour and no ice cream. As I lay on my bed for that next hour, I listened to him cry....no scream is more like it. He was mad and sad and bursting with emotion that all came out in a yell/sob. I sat and listend for over an hour and I cried, too. I prayed. I cried. Then God spoke to me. I saw myself in Reid. I realized that as I cried and yelled and got angry with God during times God didn't seem present, I knew He had brought me to that place for a reason and sometimes I knew I needed discipline, too. I went in and sat by Reid's bed and I just rubbed his cheeks and wiped his tears. He stared at me and never said a word. "Reid," I said through my tears, "You know I love you more than my own life. You know I would give my life for you. But I love you too much to let you live in your rebelliousness. I love you too much to let you wind up dead or on the streets one day because you never learned to respect authority. I know where you are coming from and I know where you will end up if I don't discipline you, because I have been there. I know what is best for you, whether you think I do or not. I am your mom and God has given me the incredible responsibility of raising you and I want to do it right. And I believe to do it right means to make sure you respect me. Do you understand any of that?" He shakes his head yes. "Then please know that I love you, but I want you to serve the Lord and to love Him and for you to do that better, it is my job to make sure you respect your elders and obey God's laws."

We talked a little bit longer and then I hugged him and kissed him and asked him if he wanted some ice cream! Of course he said yes. He is a good boy...no a GREAT boy, but I can't back down to him. I can't let him control me and it is the hardest thing to do as a parent. Loving and playing and having fun is much better, but sometimes I have to be the bad guy and, like my dad always said, it really does hurt me more than him. But I love him too much to have it any other way. I see Tami's boys and how rebellious they are and I really believe that a huge part of it is because she just doesn't have the backbone to stand up to them. It isn't fun and it isn't easy adn it is CONSTANT work, but I believe the rewards will be great someday. Austin was strong-willed and will occasionally challenge me, but most of the time he obeys. He is a good boy, too. Now Emmie....oh my, where do I start with her!!!

So today at church it was Global Impact Sunday and the focus was missions. There was a guest speaker from Texas named Carrie McDonnall. She was a missionary in Iraq in 2004 when her husband David and three other missionaries were fired upon in their vehicle and all the others were killed. She survived with horrific gunshot wounds. Wow, what an incredible testimony she has. I cried several times during her speech and my kids were spell-bound. She told of the tragedy and heartbreak upon learning of her husband's death and of the painful recovery. She has many, many wounds still visible, but she spoke of her faith in God and his Sovereign Power. What a great lady she is. She has written a book called Facing Terror and the bookstore at church had a bunch of copies and she was doing a book signing after church. I bought her book and she signed it for me. I have already read the first four chapters since church. It is incredible! What a heart for Jesus she has and her sweet husband had. I can't wait to finish the book, but I need to work on a paper for class that is due Friday, so I better go for now. Later.......

"At the cross You beckon me.....

You draw me gently to my knees,
and I am
lost for words, so lost in love,
I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered."
Jeremy Riddle

The first time I heard that song I cried. O.k. so it doesn't take much to make me cry, but I used to cry over sorrows and now I cry over how much I feel God's love. I used to cry because I didn't believe anyone could ever love me. I used to cry because I felt useless and alone. I used to cry a sadness because I was broken....now I cry a happiness because I am broken. Huge difference. Something inside me has changed. I can't even fully explain it, but I know I want to proclaim it. God has shown me I am accepted and approved in Him. God has shown me His mighty love for me. God has shown me that where I used to look for love in others and feel validated and cared for by others, I can really only find in Him. I, like many, many people in this world, looked for love in all the wrong places. I have found my worth; I have discovered my value, and it is only because of the awesome love of Christ....where He really did beckon me at the cross and brought me gently to my knees. Would I want to go back and live the past few years of my life over? Never. Would I trade them for anything? Never. God has taken my life and pruned me and I will never be the same. It is still a daily, hourly, minute by minute struggle for me at times, but oh, what a Savior I have. I am complete in Christ.

It is amazing to me as I talk to different people in my counseling classes, just how much we have all been through. I see a pattern. I talked to a lady named Susan today whose husband left her when her daughter was just weeks old. And if that wasn't sad enough for her, she then lost her daughter to a rare disease when she had just turned 16. That was four years ago. She now lives alone and is seeking a degree in counseling, like I am. She spent the past two years in Poland as a missionary. Hers is a heartbreaking story. I guess mine is, too. We discussed how God has brought us through various trials in our lives and how here we are, seeking a degree to help others. It seems to me that some have it easier in this life, and some are given more sorrows. I am not questioning God, or His decisions, but I guess I can't help but ponder it. Maybe it is a "higher calling" given to those that are chosen to suffer to help others. Maybe it is because we are more stubborn and take more "lessons" to learn it, but I tend to think that it is a combination of the two. I believe that a counselor's greatest trait in counseling is to be able to "empathize" with a patient. (anyone, really, not just a counselor) But I also think that I can really empathize and not "fake it" because of what I have been through. I think Susan can, too. I have met others in my classes, as well, that have similar stories. We are all broken. We have all been made whole by the love of Jesus. There are no "suburban housewives" or "everyday dads" in these classes. My classes are filled with people who have lived in the trenches and walked in the valleys of life. I definitely sense God's power among my fellow classmates. I feel a genuine love for fellow man and a true desire to serve the Lord by loving others and bringing glory to God. I am one of these. I am one that has chosen to not live the normal life. I am one who has chosen to seek the way God wants me to bring His love to His children. I am one that has decided it is so much better in the light where I am real and open and honest with what I have been through. I feel true freedom in God's light...with all my scars visible for others to see. It is the only way that I can say, "Hey, you see these? God healed me. The scars are there to remind me of my wounds and to remind me of how God showed me His healing powers. But now I am thankful for the scars because they taught me so much more than I would have ever learned without them."

Susan told me that she was walking her dog a few months ago and she had an "aha" moment. She said her dog, a yorkie, was trying to get off the leash and was running and pulling frantically. She said she looked at the dog and said, "Gracie, would you stop fighting me? I am up here and I see better than you do down there. I know you will just run into the street and get hurt, so let me protect you and quit tugging." She said the minute the words left her mouth, she knew God was saying, "would you listen to yourself....those are my words to you." Yes, it is true. God has protected me from myself so many times. I know that deep inside me is a heart that is evil and desires too much of the world. I have had to learn to let God love me. It has been a slow process for this stubborn girl. Oswald Chambers said, "Faith isn't faith, until it is all you are holding on to." How many times in my own life have I decided I didn't like God's way? How many times did I decide that I didn't want to suffer anymore and I didn't want to wait anymore? How many times did I really, in my heart, tell God I could do things so much better? (Oh how quickly I forget my screw-ups from the past!) God brought me to a place where I had no one and nothing else but Him. It has been painful, but it has made me whole. It is really all I have to hold on to. I have nothing and no one else. God has brought me to a strange community where I know no one. I don't even know anyone at my church. (after three months of coming!) I am now subbing and I will be around strangers everyday. I won't know the people at the schools or the students. I have asked God why? Why this strange land and these strange people? Why am I alone? Why did you take my daddy? Why did you take people from me that I dearly loved? Why? But He keeps telling me to rest in His arms and learn to love Him and trust Him. I have finally surrendered and said, "o.k. Lord. I am so thankful You are always there." I have fallen in love with the ONE who knows me and loves me.....even with all my scars.

Oh, yes, Father, help me to stop struggling and stop fighting You and just wait in Your loving arms. Help me to realize that although I don't understand, I know I am in Your will and I know You are sending me through valleys to prepare me for mountain tops. Help me to trust You, Lord. I know You see everything while my vision is so limited. Help me to not grow bitter. Help me to have a willing and steadfast spirit. Oh Lord, let my most earnest prayers not be for my own wants and wishes, but for Your kingdom to come in my life. I surrender, Lord. I am sweetly broken. I wholly surrender, Jesus, be Lord of my life. I give it to You. Use me as You wish. Whatever You ask, I will do. I love you, my precious Savior. Thank You for showing me my worth. I don't have to search any longer. I have been found by You. You are more than enough for me. I love You.

In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness

Feeling tired tonight....

No, I actually think exhausted is the word. School and subbing (elementary keeps me on my toes!) and trying to do my papers, getting up early to spend time with my Lord, and church and raising three kids and squeezing in gym time (a necessity!) I am beat. I volunteer on Wednesday nights at church with the youth from 6:30-8:30 and I really enjoy it and I am even getting to know some of the kids, but last night I got home and just crashed in the chair. Today I subbed for a fifth grade class and it was fun, but I was yawning all day. I enjoy subbing, but it is tougher than teaching, I think. I don't ever know anyone...teachers or students. I feel lost in every building I go to. I haven't been in the same building twice yet, and I am doing good most days to figure out my way into the building! Security is extra tight everywhere I go, which is good, but it makes it hard for newbies!

I have a few college kids that have moved in just a few duplexes down and they seem to be partying more than studying! There is practically a "block party" every night of the week there! It doesn't really bother me, but I kind of liked the peace and quiet that came with the summer months! School has begun!!!

Well, I don't have any deep thoughts tonight. I have class all day tomorrow, so I better get in bed. Maybe Joe or Nathan will make me laugh. I don't know how or why, but I always seem to end up by the wise guys! Maybe God just knows I need to laugh....hmmmm? Joe is in all my classes and he is a hoot. He is an SBU grad, and his wife is going to have a baby in April. He seems too young to me to be having babies! I guess I am just getting old! He is really a good "kid" though, and really loves the Lord....so I like him!

Nite!

Busy, busy, busy.....

I am subbing today at the senior high and I was a bit overwhelmed at first! I have never been in a school with 2000 students before. It is exciting, however. Subbing in the high school is a lot more familiar to me than the elementary. I go to the 5th grade tomorrow and I don't think I like the elementary nearly as much! Subbing keeps me busy and it pays well here and it is even exciting to see where I will be everyday, but I also feel lost a good part of the time! I never know anyone and I never know the students. This town is so large, that I think I would have to sub for years to get to know the students! Oh well, God has a plan and a purpose for me. I just wish sometimes I knew in advance!

I never have time to write much anymore, because I am busy writing for school now. It is so strange being a college student again! I saw my old student Meredith last weekend and we were laughing at how we are both in college at the same time! It is weird, for sure! Her boyfriend is very cute and seems so good natured and kind. Merry is a lucky girl, because you can see it in his eyes how much he cares for her. I have to admit, it makes me jealous! I am so happy for her, but I sometimes wish (ok. many times!) that someone would look at me the way I saw him look at her. What am I thinking, God looks at me that way! I know He looks down on me and smiles! His love has filled me up to overflowing....no doubt. I am so grateful morning after morning that my Savior always meets me right where I am and loves me. But maybe someday God will send me some special man that loves me right where I am, too. Someone that would swim the ocean for me. Aaaaaaah, I think that would be cool!

O.k...here are a couple of pics. I had promised Em all summer to take her to a Royal's game, so we went last night and watched them wooop it on the Yankees! Yes! And here is one of me and Merry! Later!

Rock the Light......

Denise came to Liberty last night and took me and my kids to the Rock the Light concert at Starlight. It was so kind of her. The seats were incredible....I am not sure how far back, maybe five or six rows, but the absolute best seats I have ever been in at a concert. We saw Shawn McDonald, the Barlow Girls, Casting Crowns, and a few others. All were wonderful, but Casting Crowns are incredible. What powerful music they sing. I can't even begin to pick a favorite song, but right now "Praise You in this Storm" really speaks to me. The Bible doesn't ask us to praise the Lord or to give thanks to Him....it is a command. That is where I find healing....when I hit my knees and praise Him. My dad used to say that the solution to all your problems is just a few feet away.....the distance from your knees to the floor. Yeah, there is where I find healing. On my knees is where I meet my Savior. In fact, I kind of miss Him right now, so I think I will go meet Him there.....nite!

Oh, a few pics from our concert and the "slumber party girls" after!