Thanks, but no thanks....

Sometimes I think if there is a weirdo out there, they will somehow attract to me. I have definitely met my fair share. I could also add the "jerk" and "ego-maniac" and "hot-tempered" category in there, too. I think God is growing me and challenging me all the time with patience and long-suffering. But other times, I think God just wants to make me laugh. I had a few of those experiences this week. I had a guy I've never met before (or even talked to) message me on facebook and tell me I was the "girl of his dreams." Now, o.k...most girls would love to hear those words...IF they came from someone she loved. Not from a total stranger. Then it just screams...."YIKES!" And I run far, far away! I also had a dude call me up and ask me to meet him at Panera Bread. He said he saw my picture in the church directory and he wanted to meet me. O.k...so that's strange. No, that's just plain bizarre! Again.....run, far, far away! I just don't get me....or my feelings. It seems I am interested in no one....ever. Not even the most genuine of men. But then I start talking to one, and I am head over heels. How did that happen? I can't even put my finger on what exactly it was. I only know that my feelings scared me. I wasn't really myself for a few weeks. Maybe I was just so afraid of getting into a serious relationship...I know that is a huge part of it...but I also know that I am more comfortable just being my sassy, fun-loving, easy-going self...without the pressure of a relationship. I pray that changes over time. I pray I get so comfortable in a relationship someday that I don't feel that pressure. I think that will come when I completely trust someone. And that will come when God paves the way and opens the door. Until then I'll wait for Him and be very content living the single life and loving it.

I'm sad....

incredibly sad.....guess if it seems too good to be true...it probably is. But I knew better. I have no one to blame but myself. And one thing I do know is I can survive and life will get better. I will laugh again soon. By the grace of God....I will be better soon. I don't want to write anymore now. :(

I never thought I'd like him this much....

Let's just give him a name now...o.k. I think I'll call him J. I had a great time with him this past weekend. I can't believe how relaxed around him I was. I hesitate to even write about it, because a part of me doesn't want to like him at all. It scares me. I am afraid he won't be for real. I'm afraid I'll discover he's married or has a few girlfriends. I'm afraid he will turn out to be mean spirited. I am afraid he will go away. I am afraid of a lot of things. But I guess it is too late for that. I like him a lot. He is so tender and loving. But yet so tough and fierce. I like the combination. :) He treated me very special, too. I am definitely not used to that. I never once felt afraid or uncomfortable around him. And he just took care of everything. I wanted to stay there with him forever. I think I am going to stop writing now. I get to thinking that I like him too much. That can't be good, can it? Here's a pic he took of me at the Hard Rock Cafe. Yeah, he took me there, too. I know, I can't believe it, either.

Going to Houston....

I am so excited...I will post pictures when I get back. I am flying out this weekend.

He got me flowers....

Yeah, the one. The guy from Texas. The one I mentioned last time I posted. He got me flowers for my 38th birthday. I know, I can't believe I am still talking to him, either! He got me flowers. Wow. I wish I could see him tonight and give him a huge kiss. :) Here's a pic.

Well.....there's this guy you see....

And I really like him. I know, I can't believe I said that, either! I will try not to get to excited about him....as most guys aren't what they appear....:) I guess I am can be sort of pessimistic when it comes to men. But I like this dude. ha! The only problem is he lives in Texas. Uh-oh. My friends can't believe I actually like him. I really can't either. There is just something about him. I can't even put my finger on it. He is different from most guys I have met. I think he has a good heart...a tender heart. That is all I really want. A heart like my daddy. I like his confidence and his rebellious ways a bit, too. I think he is a total "man's man." I guess time will tell if he is genuine...but for now I'm pretty smitten.

GRADUATION DAY!

I did it....GOD did it...after two years and a lot of hours studying and taking classes, I finally got my master's degree in counseling! Praise the Lord. God is so good...here are some pics....

Job

I'm working on my paper for my counseling program. I am doing ten different stories from the Bible and how they can apply to different areas in mental health. The first one I am doing is on Job...here is what I have so far....

Never has one suffered more than a man named Job. It is difficult to understand, even for the most seasoned Christians, why God would allow Satan to devastate Job’s life like He did. Imagine it. Job had lived a righteous life. Satan actually chose Job because he was so upright and blameless. And within one day Job lost his oxen, his donkeys, his servants, his sheep, his camels, and incredibly all of his children. It is painfully difficult even to read, let alone actually live through as Job did. What would I have done if faced with the same circumstances? I pray I am never confronted with anything even remotely similar, but I am pretty sure I would have screamed out to God. I would have cried in agony from the pain within my heart. I would have yelled, “Why? God, why?” What does Job do? He gets up, tears his robe, shaves his head, and falls to the ground and worships God. Worships. Wow. It sure makes me feel weak to read about this man’s strength. What is even more amazing is what he says. “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. May the name of the Lord be praised.” (Job 1:21) The Bible says in all these things Job did not sin by blaming any of this on God.

We read a few chapters later that Job’s trials only continue. His body is stricken and his friends and wife are no comfort. He begins to wrestle with God to find answers. Despair starts to overwhelm him. At one point, he even asks, “will my eyes ever see happiness again.” Depression is coming on. That dark cloud is hovering. He goes on in chapter 7 to say it would have been better if he were never born. Suicidal thoughts? He mentions he would prefer strangling and death instead of his miserable disease stricken body. Yes, it is there. The sadness, the gloom, the longing to die. Job knew it. Job felt it. Job suffered from severe despair. He wondered aloud why he should go on living. He saw no end in sight. The light at the end of the tunnel was not visible. He even states a classic from someone who is suffering from depression in 7:21, “Have I become a burden to you?”

Hope is lost. Misery has made its home. Job’s thoughts have become self‐centered and he has given up. But not completely. He still seeks God for answers. He still turns to God even in his despair. He still holds on to a tiny bit of hope. He prays, he struggles, he asks. God can take it. God listens. God understands. Job realized there is no other way out. There is no other answer except for his Maker, so he seeks him. He doesn’t understand, but he trusts. He learns perhaps the greatest lesson of all. God allowed the pain and the heartache and the destruction and so it must be for his greater good. He learned to simply trust. He learned what it means to really place his faith in Almighty God. In the end, he did see his life restored. He did hold on to see God’s blessings again. And he enjoyed the latter parts of his life more than the first.

All That I Gained

Had I known the path this road would lead, I would have turned back around
Had I seen this coming, this pain and sorrow, feeling lost and never found
If I could have looked into my future and known Your plans for me
I would have crumbled and fell to pieces at all that I did see

But as it hit me and my heart did falter and my spirit did grow weak
I hit my knees and cried to You, Lord, with all my heart Your will did I seek
Morning after morning and day after day I prayed for Your love and grace
I begged for comfort and for mercy and for You to take me out of this place

I prayed for Your healing to settle upon me, every moment did I plead
And as I trudged along this journey I was certain You would see my need
I just knew you would rescue me from this heartache and come and save the day
These mighty foes that I did face I was waiting for You to come and slay

But everyday as I awoke the pain and destruction was all I would see
My heart still cried out to You Lord, “My Father, do You even hear me?”
Because I was certain that by now that all my pain would be gone
I just knew as night had brought me sorrow, now You would finally send the dawn

I had prayed for You to carry me over and put my feet on brand new ground
But yet I still feel as if I’m sinking when I survey the destruction on the mound
Yet in Your gentle way you spoke and with a mighty voice You said,
“My child quit looking behind and around and begin to look ahead.”

So “do not fear for I am with you” I always have been and will be
Now when I feel as though I’m dying I remember You gave me the key
To unlock my weights and burdens and guilt and shame that I carried around
For once I was looking to end my suffering and that was keeping me bound

For I must go through this, there is no way over, but You are right here by my side
You know my tears and all my sorrows because You came to earth and suffered and died
So change my heart and make me see that I cannot escape the pain
But because of my tears and all my losses, Your unfailing love did I gain!

Melissa Brant, April 25, 2006

God has been so good.....

I came to this post today and couldn't believe how long it had been since I have written. Wow....the saying "time flies" is so true. I can't believe how quickly life just passes me by. If I sit still for long, I will be walking with a cane and sitting with an afghan (still do that) and grabbing my spectacles to read my Bible. Yikes! In reality, I know time doesn't go any faster the older I get, but it certainly "appears" to move more rapidly. It is like the hourglass; it seems to go faster and faster when the sand is nearly gone. And when there are more things precious and dear to me, time is all the more special. Too bad we learn so many valuable lessons later in life. I wish I had the wisdom I have learned from life NOW, as I am nearly 40, but the youth and vibrancy I felt in my 20's. It is a paradox. My children are growing and will soon be gone from home. I have so many things I want to accomplish, and I am determined to never stop living life....as long as God gives me breath, I want to live. I want to love. I want to laugh. I want to glorify my God.

I am beginning my LAST semester at Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. Wow! God has been so good to me. I never thought I would make it. Really, *I* didn't make it, but only because God has walked beside me and guided me and helped me every step of the way. I am very ready to be finished. In May I will graduate with my master's in Counseling. Woo Hoo!! I don't know where I will go from there, but I know I am ready to finish subbing and move on!! I want to do more in my life than substitute. I don't really enjoy it, but it is a great way for me to get to study and work at the same time. There is a lot of time to study while I am subbing! But God has shown me that I could do it. He already knew that I "could do all things that give me strength...." but He needed to prove it to ME! I had my doubts. I have never been one that had a lot of faith in myself or my abilities.

God continues to teach me so many things. He is teaching me right now in my life that I can do nothing that is deserving of His love. I have lived my life (and trust me, this is such a hard concept for me to obtain) where I believed God would only love me if I were a good girl....a perfect girl....a girl that did many wonderful things for the Lord's kingdom. I want to be that girl, but I fall so many times. I am a believer in Christ and I want to love and serve Him, and I know I will spend eternity in heaven with Him, but too often, here on this earth I reach one foot down to hell. I don't know why. Maybe it is because that is just sin. It is appealing. It is satisfying for a while. It is beautiful from a distance. Maybe it is because my heart is not and never will be completely pure. Maybe it is because there is still too much "Melissa" in my heart. Too much "my way" in my thinking. Too much "all about me" in my habits. I think that is mostly it. It is called pride and it got Satan kicked out of heaven. It is something I know God will not tolerate in my life, either. But saying all that, and knowing how much God hates sin, and knowing I am always doing dumb things and having to relearn the same lessons, and knowing there are always very painful consequences for my sins, I still also think I'm finally understanding that I can't and never will be "good enough" for God to love me. He just does. I don't understand "why" except to know that He is love. He is goodness. He is mercy. But I love him even more because He loves me....even when I am such a screw up. He loves me. It is an amazing love. I have been hurt.....really wounded by others when they have not returned my affections. But I became angry. I wanted to hurt them back. I wanted to see them bleed. I wanted to laugh as they suffered and my verbal insults could cut through ice...trust me. But that isn't how God is with me. He simply says, "Melissa....even if you don't go the way you should if you loved Me, I will always love you. Even if you don't worship me, I love you. Even if you don't live according to my laws that I laid down because I love you so much and I don't want to see you hurting....I love YOU." Pretty cool, huh? Yeah, God has been so good. If I never see another blessing from the Lord (which even this breath is a blessing) then I know and am certain that God has been so good to me. How can I keep from singing? I can't.