God has been so good.....

I came to this post today and couldn't believe how long it had been since I have written. Wow....the saying "time flies" is so true. I can't believe how quickly life just passes me by. If I sit still for long, I will be walking with a cane and sitting with an afghan (still do that) and grabbing my spectacles to read my Bible. Yikes! In reality, I know time doesn't go any faster the older I get, but it certainly "appears" to move more rapidly. It is like the hourglass; it seems to go faster and faster when the sand is nearly gone. And when there are more things precious and dear to me, time is all the more special. Too bad we learn so many valuable lessons later in life. I wish I had the wisdom I have learned from life NOW, as I am nearly 40, but the youth and vibrancy I felt in my 20's. It is a paradox. My children are growing and will soon be gone from home. I have so many things I want to accomplish, and I am determined to never stop living life....as long as God gives me breath, I want to live. I want to love. I want to laugh. I want to glorify my God.

I am beginning my LAST semester at Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. Wow! God has been so good to me. I never thought I would make it. Really, *I* didn't make it, but only because God has walked beside me and guided me and helped me every step of the way. I am very ready to be finished. In May I will graduate with my master's in Counseling. Woo Hoo!! I don't know where I will go from there, but I know I am ready to finish subbing and move on!! I want to do more in my life than substitute. I don't really enjoy it, but it is a great way for me to get to study and work at the same time. There is a lot of time to study while I am subbing! But God has shown me that I could do it. He already knew that I "could do all things that give me strength...." but He needed to prove it to ME! I had my doubts. I have never been one that had a lot of faith in myself or my abilities.

God continues to teach me so many things. He is teaching me right now in my life that I can do nothing that is deserving of His love. I have lived my life (and trust me, this is such a hard concept for me to obtain) where I believed God would only love me if I were a good girl....a perfect girl....a girl that did many wonderful things for the Lord's kingdom. I want to be that girl, but I fall so many times. I am a believer in Christ and I want to love and serve Him, and I know I will spend eternity in heaven with Him, but too often, here on this earth I reach one foot down to hell. I don't know why. Maybe it is because that is just sin. It is appealing. It is satisfying for a while. It is beautiful from a distance. Maybe it is because my heart is not and never will be completely pure. Maybe it is because there is still too much "Melissa" in my heart. Too much "my way" in my thinking. Too much "all about me" in my habits. I think that is mostly it. It is called pride and it got Satan kicked out of heaven. It is something I know God will not tolerate in my life, either. But saying all that, and knowing how much God hates sin, and knowing I am always doing dumb things and having to relearn the same lessons, and knowing there are always very painful consequences for my sins, I still also think I'm finally understanding that I can't and never will be "good enough" for God to love me. He just does. I don't understand "why" except to know that He is love. He is goodness. He is mercy. But I love him even more because He loves me....even when I am such a screw up. He loves me. It is an amazing love. I have been hurt.....really wounded by others when they have not returned my affections. But I became angry. I wanted to hurt them back. I wanted to see them bleed. I wanted to laugh as they suffered and my verbal insults could cut through ice...trust me. But that isn't how God is with me. He simply says, "Melissa....even if you don't go the way you should if you loved Me, I will always love you. Even if you don't worship me, I love you. Even if you don't live according to my laws that I laid down because I love you so much and I don't want to see you hurting....I love YOU." Pretty cool, huh? Yeah, God has been so good. If I never see another blessing from the Lord (which even this breath is a blessing) then I know and am certain that God has been so good to me. How can I keep from singing? I can't.