Christmas 2006

The kids woke me up at 4:30....in the MORNING! I could not believe it because they didn't get home from their dad's until midnight on Christmas Eve. I figured they would sleep at least until 7....I was wrong! They opened their presents....and loved what they got....and then I cleaned up the mess and made some cinnamon rolls....the can kind! Then we all got cleaned up and headed for Mom's house. There we laughed and ate and laughed some more. My family keeps me laughing....even though usually I am the brunt of their jokes .....at least every other one.....but I think it is because they know I can take it! When I think about it, I remember how much they teased my daddy, so I know I am in good company. Speaking of dad....I miss him. Christmas will never be the same without him anymore. Mom gave us picture frames with dad's picture in them and a neat poem....it was bittersweet. I would give about anything to see him again...in this lifetime....but I will just wait for heaven to see him and miss him more and more everyday.

Here is a picture of all of us.....

God's Hidden Face

I didn't write the following devotional....but I could have. I read it and was brought to tears....because I, like the author, have experienced great difficulties and a time of "God's hidden face" and it is very painful. I am actually still waiting for the light, but I see glimmers of it. I am thankful that others have felt what I feel and have experienced what I have experienced. I will update on Christmas later tonight....it was good!

Week of December 24

Devotional 53

God's Hidden Face

For nearly eight months I lived with one single biblical passage. Although I read others, almost every day I came back to Lamentations 3. Here are the major verses:

I have suffered much because God was angry. He chased me into a dark place, where no light could enter… He attacked and surrounded me with hardships and trouble; he forced me to sit in the dark like someone long dead. God built a fence around me that I cannot climb over, and he chained me down. Even when I shouted and prayed for help, he refused to listen. God put big rocks in my way and made me follow a crooked path. God was like a bear or a lion waiting in ambush for me: he dragged me from the road, then tore me to shreds…. God took careful aim and shot his arrows straight through my heart…. He made me eat gravel and rubbed me in the dirt. I cannot find peace or remember happiness…. That’s all I ever think about, and I am depressed. LAMENTATIONS 3:1-2, 5-13, 16-20, CEV

I wouldn’t begin to compare my problems with those of the prophet, but this passage captured my mood: God had let me down.

During those months, I prayed. I scrutinized my life. I searched my past, wondering if I had gone down the wrong road months earlier. Was I deceiving myself in thinking that I was all right with God? If I was all right, then why didn’t God answer? Why didn’t God smile—just a little?

Nothing but darkness filled my life. I don’t mean I was bedridden with depression or heavily medicated. I kept it all inside. It wasn’t a faith crisis—the dark night of the soul kind of thing. It was more that God was out there someplace, but not anywhere near me.

Then I began to notice the number of times the Old Testament speaks of God’s hidden face. It seemed not so much that God ran away or hid behind clouds of gloom. It was more the idea that God’s face turned away from the people of God.

We know the feeling. Most of us have been snubbed by someone. We approach, extend a hand or smile, only to have the person turn away. We know the person saw us, but we might as well have been invisible or not present.

That’s how I felt God treated me.

Day after day, I read Lamentations 3; I found comfort that I had connected with the pain of another person. Yet his words gave me no solution. God’s face was still turned away. I prayed, I confessed, I promised, yes, I even bargained, but nothing seemed to work.

Then I lingered on a psalm that has since become a permanently marked place in my Bible:

How much longer, LORD, will you forget about me? Will it be forever? How long will you hide? How long must I be confused and miserable all day?… Please listen, Lord God, and answer my prayers. Make my eyes sparkle again, or else I will fall into the sleep of death. PSALMS 13:1-3, CEV

“If God would just tell me what I’ve done wrong or show me where I’ve gone astray,” I wailed to my friend Bob.

“Maybe you haven’t gone astray. Maybe God has a different purpose in mind.” Bob’s what I call a spiritual man, someone who doesn’t speak rashly. “Is it possible that this is a time of waiting for you and not one of punishment or anger? Do you suppose God wants to do something in you that can happen only in darkness?”

“What would that be?” I asked.

“Ask God,” he said, and smiled.

I asked. I asked. I asked. For days I bombarded heaven with my plea. A few times I got angry. “You want your people to pray, and then you won’t listen. Or if you’re listening, you’re keeping it a secret. What kind of God are you?”

As angry as I got, I somehow knew I could tell God how I felt. I believed God cared and heard me even though nothing happened.

From late September until the middle of summer, God’s face stayed turned away from me. I continued to pray, sometimes merely out of ritual or habit. I felt as if my fists had become bloody from beating against a six-inch steel door. But I didn’t give up.

Other times I tried to get God to hurry up and respond, but that seemed to throw me backward. Finally, I surrendered. “Okay, God, I’m willing to wait.” Every day I heard myself saying things such as, “God, I don’t like it, but I’m waiting for you to turn your face toward me again.”

My life did change—slowly. In fact, it was so slow and gradual that I was hardly aware of anything being different. But one day, I realized that a sliver of light had crept back into my life. I no longer wept over Psalm 13 or wailed over Lamentations 3. The dawn started to streak across the horizon. It was a beginning of God’s face turning toward me again.

At that point, I did a quick checkup on my life. What had happened in the months of darkness? I knew the situation had forced me to pray more—not merely in volume, but in intensity. It had been years since I had burrowed into the Bible as deeply as I did then. As far as I knew, I opened every part of my life to God’s searchlight. I didn’t always like what I saw, and I asked God’s help in making changes.

As more and more light penetrated my dark world, I began thanking God. I could hardly believe it, but I was giving thanks to God for darkness, for uncertainty, for confusion, for pain, for all the difficulties. Yes, I did—because “All things work together for good to those who love God, who are called according to his purpose” (Rom 8:28).

Then I realized those days and nights of agony had strengthened me. I don’t want to repeat them. And I know Bob was right: God had a different purpose in mind.

I patiently waited, LORD, for you to hear my prayer. You listened and pulled me from a lonely pit, full of mud and mire. You let me stand on a rock with my feet firm, and you gave me a new song, a song of praise to God. PSALMS 40:1-3a, CEV

God, I hate darkness.

I hate the silence.

I hate it when you turn your face from me.

But I’ve finally learned: it’s only for a short time,

and you never leave me.

You’re always there—even in the deepest darkness.

Thanks, God. Amen.

For more from Cecil, please visit www.cecilmurphey.com.

Martina McBride - Anyway

I love this song!

Whew....what a week...and it is ONLY Tuesday!

Reid made it through the weekend....even though he didn't leave the recliner the entire time. Mom and Beth came Sunday afternoon and helped me get him to at least stand up.....and that was a chore! He was in so much pain. Yesterday the doctor could not get him early like I had wanted, so I took him to Children's Mercy in KC. I had been praying that I would be able to get him in the car and God sent me a few helpful angels. Megan just happened to call yesterday morning and told me her dad would come and help me. He got here, but we still couldn't get him in the car....and Reid was crying because of the pain. So her dad, Roger, called a few of his friends.....a man that works with him named John, a lady that works with him named Mary (who brought a wheelchair!) and his pastor Michael and the youth pastor....not even sure of his name. It was such a blessing. We finally got him in the car and I got him to the hospital. There they changed his brace which helped SOOOO much and they put him on some different meds. They also took more x-rays and told me they are going to do an MRI next week because they feel like he tore some ligaments and tendons, also. At least we saw an ortho doctor there. I got lost leaving....of course, and it was dark and I was so scared. I had no clue where I was at and the road the lady in the ER told me to take was detoured..........so I tried to follow the detour signs, but they didn't lead me to where she said I would end up! So I finally found a highway, even though I didn't know which one it was, and I took it. I was relieved to actually see other cars! About 10 miles down the road I realized I didn't see anything that was familiar. I called Beth and thank goodness she was home! She got her map out and told me I was on 71 SOUTH....not north like I thought....and I was headed to Lee's Summitt and Independence. Sure enough....about an hour and two minutes later and after going through both those cities....Reid and I made it home. I HATE driving in KC! HATE IT! I always get lost. I wish I could figure it out, but I haven't been able to so far!!!!

So anyway, today I am just sitting around helping Reid. He is pretty helpless right now. I am hoping I get called to sub tomorrow because I need to work and Mom said she would come and stay with him. Reid isn't too thrilled about that because he wants me here and he gets so embarassed to have anyone help him (going to the bathroom, etc.) but I think he will be ok. He started crying last night because he thought I was going to sleep upstairs. Once he realized I was just going upstairs to wash my face and I would be right back down, he was o.k. I have never seen him like this. He has been very emotional. I think it is partly because of the pain and partly because of the medicine. He is never usually like this. He doesn't want me out of his sight. Bless his heart! I also think it is because he realizes how helpless he is and he is worried he might have to go to the bathroom and he just can't make it on his own. He told me yesterday he had prayed about 30 times asking God for strength. It made me so happy. I can see his faith growing through this. I was proud of him. He could have asked God to take the pain away, or why this happened to him, but instead, he simply asked for strength to get through it. That showed me how mature he is getting. I told him in the ER last Saturday that God allowed this for a reason and it will make him stronger and build his strength and faith in God if he will trust the Lord. We had a good talk today, too, about how God always provides. He is growing physically and spiritually. I pray God calls him into the ministry oneday. My dad always told me he felt God would and that is what Dad prayed for. I don't know....and I am not God, but I pray for that, too. He has such a big heart and I think he would make a great pastor someday!

Well, I found out last night that I got an A on my last final! I was so excited. This is the one I was so worried about. I studied so hard and my friend Susan picked up my test and she called and said I only missed 5 out of the 100 questions. YES! IF my calculations are correct I will get an A. I know I got an A in my other classes, so I am excited. I worked very hard and it is a good feeling to know I did so well on a test that was very, very difficult. I have off until January 29 now! Yeah! I plan on subbing every day in January.

Em is sitting here wanting my attention so I am going to go for now! She has been getting a wee bit jealous at all the attention her brother has been getting! Nite!

Struggling.....

Reid broke his leg yesterday. He was riding his skateboard down a hill by our house and "wiped out".....to use his brother's words. Austin called me on his cell phone (even though it was right behind our house in the school parking lot) and said, "Mom, I think Reid broke his leg....and I told him not to skateboard down this hill!" He was covering his own behind! Not that either of them were in trouble...how could I get on to Reid when I saw him crying his eyes out and writhing in agony? I knew immediately that the leg wasn't o.k. It was in a funny angle and he couldn't move it at all and he cried and cried and I could not get him to stop. He doesn't normally do that, either....I have seen him take some very bad falls on his skateboard, or even just playing football or riding his bike, and he always gets up laughing. Not this time. I went and got the car and left Austin with Emmie and took him to the ER. I was very thankful that Emmie's teacher was at school on a Saturday afternoon because her husband was there with her and he was waiting in the car and saw it happen. He said it was an "awful sound" when Reid fell. He helped me get Reid into the car (which took us forever) and his wife gave Reid a pillow to squeeze on the way to the hospital. Bless their hearts! Even in this trial, God didn't leave me alone. There was no way I could have gotten Reid into the car by myself. He is such a big kid and he could not support himself at all. He screamed when we forced him to move to the car and even stand a little on his good leg. Every bump of the car on the way to the ER made him scream. He was in terrible pain.

My mind is sort of a fog as I write this now. It was such a long evening waiting in the ER. Doctors, nurses, X-ray techs, cat scans, etc.......made it sort of a blur. I was more worried about my man who would not stop the tears coming down his face. Finally, after the doc read the x-ray, I knew why. It was a bad break, she said. The tibula bone (shin bone) that runs up to the femur bone right behind the knee cap is broken all the way across and down at the joint. Right on the growth plate. According to all the doctors and nursers involved, this is not a good place to break your leg. His leg is still swollen three times the normal size....from his hip to his toes. I could not believe they even sent him home. They put a partial cast on it (because of the swelling) and gave him some Vicodin for pain, and told us there was nothing more they could do until the swelling went down and to call a certain orthopedic doctor first thing Monday morning. The doctor mentioned pins, she mentioned surgery, she mentioned a thing called a knee joint brace, and she mentioned a full cast....one of which will happen in a few days....according to the orthopedic doctor. So we waited at Walgren's for 30 minutes on the prescription (while Reid cried in the back seat) and then we came home. Austin and I got Reid in the house.....even though there were times when we were standing (with Reid on crutches) in the driveway thinking we would be there all night. Every single movement meant terrible pain for him. It was awful to watch. My heart was hurting, I think, as much as his leg just watching him suffer. It was terrible. I kept praying for strength from heaven for Reid and for myself. I got the kids together after we finally got Reid on the blow up air matttress downstairs (there was no way he could make it up the stairs) and we prayed for God to heal him and for us to all be patient when he is yelling at us out of pain and frustration. Pain has a way of making the sufferer become someone very different from themselves. It makes a person want instant relief and sometimes that comes in the form of yelling at another. And Reid was not pleasant, understandably so. So I prayed for patience for Austin, Emmie, and me, too!

So this morning, after a long night of Reid waking every hour or so and asking for more pain medicine and after helping him urinate in a plastic water bottle (all I had and it worked!) I figured I did get about four hours sleep. I am tired and I am down and I am getting ready to go read my Bible and seek God's strength. I feel so weak and so tired and so down today. $100 dollars in the ER as a copay (Chris just did get insurance on the kids a few months ago...praise the Lord!) and another $30 on medicine and now I have to stay with him next week and take him to the doctor and not sub and Christmas coming.....sometimes I just don't understand. But even in my doubting and even in my questioning, I still trust the Lord. I still believe in His faithfulness. I know He has always been there, and He will surely see us through this. I just hate feeling so alone and helpless. I tell God all the time that He must think I can take more than I can, because He tests me through some loooong, tiring trials. Many times I want to give up. Many nights I lie in bed and wonder what heaven will be like. Many days I think about dad singing with the angels and sitting at the feet of Jesus, and OH, I long to be there. Heaven is so rich to me, and this life is such a struggle. Many, many days I find myself just longing to be "home". I will press on while God has given me breath and I will fight the good fight with all I have and when I am weak I will thank the Lord for His strength, and I will glory in the cross and the sufferings of this earthly life....but oh, I have a hope that someday there will be no more bills, and some day there will be no more pain on the face of my son, and some day there will be no more tears or stress or sorrows. That is the hope that is within me today.

I wait in hope for YOU Lord,
YOU are my strength and my shield,
In YOU my heart rejoices as I trust in YOUR holy name.
May YOUR unfailing love surround me,
even as I put my hope in YOU.

Good weekend.....

Whew! I don't even know where to start! What a busy weekend! I sure did have a good time, though! I got in last night and just crashed! I was happy to see my kiddos last night and we hugged and kissed, but then I hit the bed and went instantly into dream land! So where do I start.....

On Friday I took my last final and then I headed to Columbia to take the kids to their dad's house. We got there around 6:30 and then I met my friend Holly at the new Chinese place and we visited for about two hours there. I think they were ready to run us out! We had a good talk and I then headed home. I got back to KC around 11 and couldn't sleep, even though I was very tired! So I played on the computer for a while (very glad to not have to study!) and then I finally fell asleep around 1 in the morning. Susan called at 8 and woke me up and so I got up and read my Bible for a while and then cleaned my house. After that I got on the treadmill and then did pilates. I basically just lounged and watched tv for the rest of the afternoon. I had told Susan to just come to my house when she got off work and we could head to Brookfield from here, but she was ticked at me, cuz she wanted me to come and get her so she wouldn't have to leave her van here at my house. We got into a little spat (which we do a lot, but we always quickly resolve it!....we actually act A LOT like sisters!) but I told her to just come to my house, since it was silly for me to go all the way to North Oak to get her and then back this way to head to Brookfield. She said, "Whatever works for you, Princess!" But I knew right after I hung up the phone with her that I would drive to her apartment and get her and suprise her. Yes, I was being selfish and thinking only of myself. I prayed and asked God to help me to be more like His Son and to place others first. It is a struggle...I am so selfish most of the time. But anyway, I headed out to her house around 5, knowing she would be home around 6. I first went to Big Lots because I wanted to get her something for Christmas. I knew I couldn't afford much, but I found the perfect gift. A barstool! She has a bar in her kitchen that she stands at because she has no chair there, so I found a very neat, sort of old style barstool with a black padded seat that I got her. She was excited to get it and excited to see me at her apartment! Then we headed to Brookfield and arrived at Mom's around 9.

Sunday morning we attended both services at Park Baptist where Susan spoke on her missions experience in Poland. I had asked Bro. Mark if I could introduce her and thank the church for their wonderful and generous love offering to me. It was a good day and a good time seeing old friends. Judy and her sister and Linda took Susan and me out to lunch at Pizza Hut after church.

Around 2 we went to Mendenhall's house where I was to speak to the youth group there for my Secular Humanism class requirements. It was so much fun. I spoke on what I HAD to, and then I spoke on what the Lord placed on my heart. It was a great afternoon. I hugged and cried all afternoon. I miss my students and I miss teaching. Taylor asked me if he could sing me a song and play his guitar for me and of course I said yes. He started by saying that he was singing to "the greatest teacher he ever had" which made me instantly cry. He sang a song that I loved called "Too Good to Be" by New Found Glory. I am posting a clip of them singing it below that I found on Youtube. It was bittersweet. I really miss teaching and sometimes I have an overwhelming desire to go back to it. But I know God has called me here and He will help me finish seminary. I just don't understand, though, why God called me away from teaching. I sat there and talked with my students (and cried with many of them) and just quietly prayed and asked God to help me to trust Him more. It is my human nature to question and wonder where God is taking me and I think the hardest thing I struggle with is why? Why did God call me away from where I was? I always believed God made me to teach. I always believed my classroom was my mission field. I always believed that those students that I dearly loved knew they had a friend in me and that I made a difference in their lives...no matter how small. But now? What good am I now to anyone? I don't understand. I struggle with this every single day. And honestly, "the future looks so hard and I just want to go back." I have only finished one semester and I am wore out already and my finances are so tight. It is such a huge temptation to apply to the school district and quit seminary and go back to teaching. It is something I pray about everyday. God has provided and I know He will continue to provide, but I wish I could see where I was going....where God was leading. And when I heard Taylor sing that song to me....well, I guess I just can't understand why God called me away from that. But I will trust Him all the more and praise Him in this storm....and keep on putting one foot in front of the other. One day at a time, that is what I pray for. If I try to look too far ahead, it only makes me sad.

Well, before I go tonight....I talked to Holly....one of my dear, sweet students yesterday. She has been through so much and she wants to come and live with me. I told her I would take her anyday. She is going to her case worker on Dec. 18 to find out if she can. She is a ward of the state, so she thinks they will allow it. I will have to fill out paperwork and apply for a temporary foster care certificate, but I will do it for her. I love that girl. I prayed all night last night on the way home about what to do. I don't want to put hard feelings between her parents and myself, but I really think they would like her to be gone. I just pray the Lord's will be done. I struggle to provide for my own children, but I know if this is what God has in mind for me, He will provide. I told Holly she had to obey my rules, stay in school, make good grades, and get a part time job. She was o.k. with all of that. I am not naive to think things will always be o.k. I have taken in other students before and I know eventually they get angry with me for making them mind, or making them go to church with me, or not letting them go out whenever they want, but Holly knows how I feel. She just desperately wants to be loved. When I got home last night I sat the kids down and asked their opinion about it. Of course, they were hesitant at first, but then the more we talked, the more excited they became. I am not a perfect parent by a looooong shot, but they have such big hearts and they always want to help others. Reid said, "Mom, I know the court will let you have her because you are a good person and maybe she will become a Christian!" How sweet! Then Emmie said, "yeah Mom and you are pretty!" Like that has anything to do with it, but it made me laugh!!! My kids sometimes just make me so happy. My boys, in fact, are outside right now playing with two kids from down the street (they always have some kid knocking on the door to play!) but they gravitate to the ones who have little....or who are made fun of....or who just don't have friends. Today after school Austin came in and asked if Raymond could come in and watch Superman Returns with him. I said, "of course." The cool thing is Raymond has a severe speech problem. He isn't stupid, but he can't hardly talk and it is a struggle for him to even say "hi". The other kids on the street make fun of him and it makes my boys angry. They always take up for him and I LOVE that about them. I went in Austin's room today and said, "Hey Raymond....how are you?" He struggled to say "hi" and then he tried to say, "You like my new shirt?" I looked at Austin and he was grinning at me as if to say, "See, Mom, he isn't a bad kid!" Yes, my kids have BIG hearts. I am so thankful for that. THey don't care who makes fun of them....but they will stand up for the underdog. They have always been that way. It is the gift of mercy. I am very thankful that they aren't "brats!" (Well, not ALL the time!!) And really...isn't that what it is all about? And I am always amazed the way God uses the weak of the world to shame the strong.....!

Here are some pics from my weekend.....





























Holly and me....




















Taylor "serenading me!" (and Ally standing by him!)

Too Good To Be - New Found Glory

Hoping for an A!

Well, I took my last final yesterday....WHEW! I am so thankful to be done. I am now just anticipating my grades! I can't change anything now, so why worry, but I am hoping for all A's. I am fairly sure I got an A in two of my classes, but my Counseling Theory class has me worried. The final yesterday was so hard and I had two papers due yesterday and I am not sure how he will grade them. I got an A on a paper back at the beginning of the semester for him, but barely. He grades pretty tough. But I tried to adapt to his grading and maybe, hopefully, he will give me an A on these two! The final is 200 points and I studied and studied and studied, but it still seemed hard. Actually, the entire thing didn't seem hard, but some of the questions did. I know I missed one, because I just didn't know it and I guessed and I looked it up as soon as class was over and I missed it. It was the definition for "nouthetic". I had no clue! I knew what Christian nouthetic counseling was....Scripture alone....but I didn't know exactly what that word meant. I chose "listen", but the answer was "confront". Soooooo, I missed it!

Oh well! I know life goes on and when I get to heaven someday, I know the Lord won't say, "now about that question you missed on nouthetic!!!" He will, however say, "what did you do with the talents I gave you?" So that is my focus. And right now I am working on my powerpoint that I am sharing tomorrow with the youth in Brookfield. I am so excited to see them! I am excited to get lots of hugs! I want to share the information I have in a way that is honoring God and I want to be a vessel that God uses to glorify Him. I have to share about Secular Humanism for my class, but more than that, I want to share my heart. I want them to understand something I feel is very important. I believe that God has answered my prayers that I have prayed since I first knew I would be speaking to these youth. I have asked the Lord to show me what He most importantly wants me to tell them. All this week I have been seeking His will and searching His heart for what He wants me to share. This morning it finally came! I was getting worried! But this morning during my time with the Lord I was reading and it came to me. We cannot be the blind leading the blind. It makes no difference if we understand Secular Humanism. It makes no difference if we have knowledge of every single cult in this world. It only matters if we know the hope that is within us. Then and only then can we really discern and make wise decisions and be a true light to others. Then we can be salt to the world. We have to be able to profess what we believe. I fear that some of these students can't tell me exactly what it is that they believe. Knowledge of Secular Humanism isn't enough. We can't understand truth if we don't understand and know the Giver of truth. So that is my focus for tomorrow. I pray God's will be done and I point them to HIM!

Well, I need to get back to work! I have a lot to do and I still want to hit the gym and the treadmill and mail some Christmas cards and meet Susan by 6! I am excited to be back at Park Baptist tomorrow! Yeah!

"Can a blind man lead a blind man? Will they not both fall into a pit? A student is not above his teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like his teacher." Luke 6:39-40

"We cannot know the grief
That men may borrow;
We cannot see the souls
Storm-swept by sorrow;
But love can shine upon the way
Today, tomorrow;
Let us be kind.
Upon the wheel of pain so many weary lives are
broken,
We live in vain who give no tender token.
Let us be kind."

Taken from Streams in the Desert devotionals for Friday, December 8, 2006....my favorite devotional book!

Scheduling next semester....

Well, I can't believe it, but I have nearly made it through my first semester at seminary. (if you don't count the summer classes!) It hasn't been at all easy, but God has been faithful. I have 14 hours now and by the end of next semester and J-term I will have 30. Halfway there!! It took me a while to decide my classes for next semester because I have to be very careful with my work schedule but I also need to take certain classes that are only offered every two years. So, since I want to be finished by May of '08, I can't miss classes that are offered this next spring, because they won't be offered again until the spring of '09. Does that make sense? So I think I have it worked out where I am only in class on Fridays and Saturdays. Yes, Saturdays! I switched a class that met on Weds (Basic Evangelism which I heard is hard and has lots of memorizing!) to Saturday morning. I didn't want to take a Saturday class because that completely shoots my weekend, but I know I needed to do that so I could sub on Wednesdays. So now I am available to sub four days a week instead of 3. More money. That helps. But it will be tough because I have more classes next semester: one online, two on Fridays, one on Saturdays, and the J-term class. OH, and I am taking a workshop for two hours elective credit over spring break. Yeah, I know. I have a boring life! It isn't like I would go anywhere or do anything anyway! I might as well suck it up and get it done!!

My professor yesterday (the last day of my Monday class!! YEAH!) was sharing with us about becoming licensed (LPC= licensed professional counselor) and he was sharing with us the test we will have to take if we do want to become licensed and how we have to have 3000 supervised hours in the state of MO to get a license. It seems hard. Then we have to have 40 hours every two years to renew our license. I am not honestly sure what God wants for me yet, but I am thinking it includes becoming an LPC. I have always thought I would work under the umbrella of a church when I am through with school, but I am not so sure now. I just don't really know what God has planned, but I know it is working with teen girls mainly and women in abusive situations. I have know for a while that God has sent me through some storms of life so I could help others and this is part of that grand plan. I just wish I could see around the corner of my life a little further and see exactly what God has planned. I guess I just have to wait and trust in Him....o.k.!

My prof was also talking about how much money we can expect to make if we have our own practice or work in a group practice. (Susan has mentioned to me before about "our" practice together! Sounds exciting!) The money seems good, and it was exciting for me to think about earning that much (way better than now!) but I really can't wrap my mind around that because I truly want to just help others. I know that sounds so superficial, but it is from my heart. I know I have to earn a living and I have to provide for my children, but it has never been about the money for me. It has never been about having a "master's degree" to me. I don't care about that. My daddy was the greatest preacher I ever knew and he only had a bachelor's degree. He was sold out for Christ and he loved the Lord with all his heart and it just was so obvious. You could see it by the "fruits" in his life. God took that simple man....uneducated...high school drop out, and made him something so wonderful. I still run into people who tell me how much my dad meant to them. That is so cool to me. He just glowed with his love for the Lord. He never lived in a big, fancy house. He never drove big, fancy cars. He never spoke with great eloquence. But his love was pure and his heart was so big. That is what I am looking for in a man. It is honestly something I have yet to find in anyone I have met......anyone single anyway! I just don't see it in most people. I took my kids to see the Nativity Story on Saturday. It was very good, by the way, but Mary said something about Joseph while he was sleeping that touched me. He had been walking and she had been riding the mule (on their way to Bethlehem) and here she was "betrothed" to Joseph, but she rarely knew him. But it didn't take him long to win her heart with his sweet and gentle love. One of the more tender moments in the movie was when she got a rag with water from the river and washed his feet as he slept. She was talking to Joseph in a quiet whisper and she said something along the lines of "what kind of man would always place others before himself?" This was the kind of man that God chose to raise His Son! It made me cry! It was the kind of father that God chose to give me, too! Praise the Lord! I was so blessed with a father that loved me so purely and showed me true and genuine love for Christ! I think about the man that God is preparing for me and my children. I know he must be very special. I think it takes someone so special to step in when there are children and a past like mine and still love unselfishly. Very few have that kind of love in their hearts. Honestly, I have noticed that most men (and women) want someone that can make them look good. I can't wait to look upon someone that God is preparing for me and whisper in my heart, "what kind of man that would love so unselfishly and place others before himself?" It gives me chills. God is preparing it even now for me. I believe that with all my heart. As my prof is always saying, "That is just God showing off again!" He does that when He loves us! And I have never known a love so true and pure, not even my daddy's, as my heavenly Father's love! Oh, amazing love, how can it be, that YOU my King would die for me?

During the Nativity Story movie, I was really in awe of a God that would leave the comforts of heaven and come to this cold, cruel earth to be beaten and rejected and crucified....for me. Incredible. I was also taught a great lesson during the film. I realized as I watched the wise men and the shepherds make the journey to worship the Baby in the manger, just how God deserves our worship. He sent these wisemen and shepherds hundreds of miles to bring gifts to this tiny Baby. How much more should I...whom He died for, be worshipping and praising Him! He is so deserving. And yet so many men and women go about their daily business day in and day out and never open their Bibles, never attend church, never seek the King of Kings and the ruler of all. It has to grieve His heart so much. It would be as if my children, once I raised them, loved them, cared for them, sacrificed for them their entire lives, left home when they turned 18 and never contacted me again. Oh, it would break my heart. It breaks my heart for my Savior. When will the world realize that it needs Jesus? Oh that I may be a witness for Him!

Well, I need to study for my test and for my presentation I am doing on Sunday to the youth at Brookfield. I am so excited to see them. I have to do this for my Secular Humanism class, but I am very excited about it. I am excited to teach them some great truths found in God's word and I am excited to hug them all!

YEAH!

I have two papers finished now! Whew! That was work! O.k...so to study for my LAST test this Friday. It will be hard!!! Then I am finished! WHOO HOOO!!!

Study, study, study...

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh! I have too much to do before Friday! I have finals this week and papers. Yikes! I am dreading my last final on Friday....but after that I am done until January! Woo hooo!!! Time to get back to work! But church was GREAT, as usual today!

The GOOD that comes through suffering....

I have had the past couple of days off (although I have cleaned and scrubbed my house and I actually do still have class this afternoon) and I have had some time to really study God's word more. I read it everyday, but some days I am rushed and I love mornings where I can rise early and I don't have to be anywhere and I can just read and pray. It is in the quiet moments in the early morning hours with my Savior that I relish. I have been reading a book by Joni Eareckson Tada called When God Weeps and I have learned so much. I have a problem that I think most Americans have and that is I pray for God to remove my sufferings instead of praying for God to show me His strength so I can bear it and grow from it. I am still learning. But one thing God has taught me this week even more than ever is that there is GOOD that comes through suffering. I already knew this, but I fought it....I resisted suffering at all costs. I am learning to just immediately kneel before Jesus and ask him to comfort me. He always does...in fact, He is always waiting there for me. He knows every tear I have ever cried and every tear I will ever cry. He draws me to himself and he wipes my tears with his nail-scarred hands and he says, "I hurt with you. I suffered rejection and pain because you matter to me." When I stop and think about how much my Savior loves me, nothing else seems to matter. When I realize that the Lord loves me enough to prune me and make me more like Him, then I smile. I guess that is what I was supposed to learn all along, huh? I am just a slow learner!

Something else I learned this week is that God wants me to realize just how BIG His dreams are for my life. I guess I have always been willing to settle for mediocre. God isn't happy with that. My pastor said something last week that really made me think. He said you can offer a small child a piece of candy or a million dollars and without exception, they will choose the candy. Why? Because a child doesn't realize the value of the money...they only realize the immediateness of the candy. I am like that. I go for the familiar....the instant ease of pain, instead of waiting for the Lord to give me the million dollars. I reach for the candy everytime. I think about the marriage I had. I allowed it. I have no one to blame. But I was willing to settle for being treated poorly. I was willing to give, give, give, with nothing in return. I was willing to let another completely empty me dry without giving anything in return. Why? Because it was familiar. I went for the candy....and all it did was give me cavities. It was what I thought would make me happy. It was what I thought I needed and wanted. But in reality, I simply wanted pure love. Only God can offer that. I can look high and low for others to fill me up, but it will never happen. God is molding me and changing me and He is starting with my thinking. He is showing me He has so much more for me than all I have ever wanted. I like His dreams better! :) And I am so thankful that God has brought me to a place where I can realize the faults within me and the role I played in the direction my life has taken. I realize the choices I have made that have caused me pain. I see the sin within me and I can see His desire for me to be holy....and not always happy. He is making me pure. It is what I asked for. I am to the place where I realize God has a plan in absolutely everything in my life and I rest in His grace and love and yes, even His discipline.

This past Wednesday I was substituting at Franklin Elementary School. I was in the office filling in for the secretary (of all days...when the weather was terrible and the phone rang off the hook with worried parents!) and the principal and I had a good talk. I could tell immediately he was a very good guy. He seemed so genuine and real and I had only just met him. Well, at the end of the day, when all the kids were gone and it was time to go home, I went outside and noticed someone scraping my windows. We had gotten a severe ice storm during the day and it came so fast, there wasn't even time to let the kids out of school early. But when I walked outside and saw that sweet principal standing in the freezing rain and bitter cold scraping my windows, well, I couldn't help it...I began to cry. My eyes welled up so fast I couldn't stop it. I whispered, "thank you, Lord, for this blessing." His love surrounded me and I heard Him say, "Just wait, Melissa Brant. Just wait and see what I have in store for you. This is only a taste of what I have planned for you." Oh, I am crying now just thinking about it. It doesn't take a lot to make this girl happy! I guess I am human. I just want to be loved. But I have spent too long looking in the wrong places. I have spent too long reaching for the candy. I have spent too long asking...no begging....God to change my circumstances. I know now the greatest change God wants to do is inside of me. He wants to change me.....not my situation. Oh, why do I fret? Why do I feel so down? I, like King David, never want to offer anything to the Lord which costs me nothing, so I will thank Him for the suffering in my life. I will thank Him for the sorrows He has brought me. I will thank Him for the wonderful sculpture He is creating. I will stop looking at the pieces He is chiseling away. I will stop dreading the hammer and stop worrying about the future. My fears have held me back for so long. But Oh, He has lead me through every storm. I will hold on to Him even more.

My Jesus, I Love Thee, and I know Thou art MINE! Thank You, Lord, for wanting so much more for me than I could ever want for myself. I want to make You smile! I want to bring joy to You, just as You have for me. Make my heart pure, Oh God. Help me to be obedient to You, always. Give me clean hands and a pure heart today, I pray!

Some day, God is going to reveal the fact to every Christian, that the very principles they now rebel against, have been the instruments which He used in perfecting their characters and molding them into perfection, polished stones for His great building yonder. --Cortland Myers

Suffering is a wonderful fertilizer to the roots of character. The great object of this life is character. This is the only thing we can carry with us into eternity. . . . To gain the most of it and the best of it is the object of probation. --Austin Phelps