Melissa Brant: August 2006

and boy is my life ever different. Starting over is hard. The day my kids went to school and I didn't I cried all morning long. It was such a difference in my life and I almost couldn't handle it. It was one of those times where Satan hit me so strong. He knows exactly what my weaknesses are and when my emotions are faint, and then he strikes. He did the same thing to Eve in the Bible (and to countless others), so I should know what to look for, but sometimes I don't think so clearly. "Surely God hath not said......," he said to me. "Surely God did not tell you to leave your job and move your kids to this big school. Surely God did not say you should go to seminary. Surely God did not say you are to move to this huge place. You are such a fool." Yep, he got me good and my morning was ruined because I listened and believed....for a little while. But then, as my tears turned to prayers, I was overwhelmed by my Savior's love. His whisperings are sweeter than honey. His loving arms are so much better than all my "self-stuff". He is incapable of lying, but oh, His mercies are new every morning. Even when I am too weak to seek Him, He seeks me. "OH, Melissa, my precious child. Trust Me. You are always in My loving arms.....trust Me." Once I was reminded of my security in Christ, I felt a lot better.

Well, I gave up the blog thing for a few weeks because I felt like I really needed to devote all my time to school and more time in prayer and Bible study, but I missed it so much that I decided to do it again. So I took away all my archives and decided to start over....sort of the pattern my life is following! Not really a whole lot has happened since I quit so I really don't have a lot of catching up to do! Except I started fall classes and went to a full day of new student orientation. I didn't think I would ever be a "new" student at 35 years old! God has a sense of humor, I guess. And actually, I am fairly young for some of my classes. I have three counseling classes (and one online class and one two hour credit workship in October) and a lot of the people in there are older than I am. The first day of all my classes, the professors had us go around and introduce ourselves and tell why we are there and what our plans are and a little bit about our families. I had a lady tell me after my first class that she could not believe that I had a son in 8th grade. She said I looked like I was right out of college! Ummm, look a little closer, I thought! But it was good to hear. Sometimes, though, I am not sure what to think of that. I think sometimes maybe I dress too young. Maybe I just need to dress my age. But what is that? Are there guidelines for age? I remember Milly told me one time in Shelbina that you dress as old as you feel. It is true, I guess. I love clothes and fashion (even though my budget is tighter this year!) but for a long time I dressed like I felt a "teacher" should dress and not how my heart wanted to dress. (and also how my weight mandated I dress....ick! The things mom's sacrifice to have children!!) But now that I have realized that I am more than a mom, and now that I realize that I will not allow myself to be used, I take more pride in myself. I have come into my own, I think. Really the woman inside of me that stayed hidden for so long and completely gave up, has disappeared, and the woman I truly am has sprouted through. It is a good feeling. I wouldn't trade my teens and 20s for anything in this world. I refuse to be anyone's doormat anymore. I believe in love and forgiveness, but I also realize now that I can love and care for someone without letting them take advantage of me or without letting them abuse me, or walk all over me. Life has a way of teaching us all that need to know...in time. If we choose to not medicate our pains away and deal with them.....every single day, our loving, heavenly Father will bring healing. I am not completely there yet, but I am so much closer to the top of the hill than I used to be! One step at a time!

And I LOVE my counseling classes. I had a professor this summer tell us in New Testament II class that when it is what God has called us to do, then we will have a passion for it. That is how I feel about these classes. I am learning and soaking it up. I don't remember this feeling when I was learning English in college. I wanted to be a teacher, but I didn't really have a passion for it. I just wanted to be around students. I hate to admit this, as an English teacher for 13 years, but English is not my passion! It is like I was wandering in the wilderness for all those 13 years while God was pruning me and molding me to prepare me for this. I do not know what God has in store for me after seminary, but I know that he has put a new song in my heart. I am in a good place!

In Him also we have obtained an inheritance, being predestined according to the purpose of Him who works all things according to the counsel of His will. Ephesians 1:11