People are often unreasonable and self-centered.
FORGIVE THEM ANYWAY.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives.
BE KIND ANYWAY.

If you are honest, people may cheat you.
BE HONEST ANYWAY.

If you find happiness, people may be jealous.
BE HAPPY ANYWAY.

The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.
DO GOOD ANYWAY.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough.
GIVE YOUR BEST ANYWAY.

For you see, in the end, it is between you and God.
IT WAS NEVER BETWEEN YOU AND THEM ANYWAY.

-Mother Teresa-

Praying for Courtney....

There is a former student of mine that God has brought into my life a few years ago that I have had such a burden in my heart for. There have been some nights God has brought her name to me in my sleep and I woke up and prayed for her. She has had such a rough life and my heart cries for her. She sent me an email a few days ago and asked me to pray for her....and boy would I?! YES! In her email she made me cry when she wrote, "you've always been there for me when I've needed you, so..maybe would you pray for me? I think that's what I need more than anything right now. I read some of the bible today for the first time in a long time. And I know God wouldn't put anything on my shoulders that I can't handle. So, if you get time call me or just pray for me, because I know you're probably busy. :).. thanks Melissa.. I miss you tons." Sweet words to my soul!

So I think this Friday I will go to Brookfield and see her after the kids leave to go to their dad's. I think I will maybe stay the night at mom's or Beth's or Tami's and then go to the Macon tournament Saturday. I need to have a good talk with Tami, too. I miss basketball games! I haven't been to one all year and I miss it. I don't feel a part of anything anymore. I miss being a part of a high school/middle school and knowing the students that play. I feel sort of lost here, but at least I am getting to know a lot of people at Midwestern. In fact, I picked up Deena at the airport on Saturday for her week class this week. I only met her last summer for my summer class and we have stayed in touch over email. She lives in Virginia but commutes for summer classes and J-term classes. I was excited to see her....a fellow counseling major! God has been good to me....very, very good. He has sent me some wonderful Christian friends here. That was my prayer when I moved. I met Megan, who has blessed me in more ways than I can count. Susan is so strong in her faith and has taught me so much, and Kelli, Deena, Joe, Nathan, and Phillip are some of my "buds" from class! I am excited to get started again this semester.....only a few more weeks!!

Gotta get to the gym. I walked 5 miles yesterday and I am going to lift today and do 5 more miles......all because these snow/ice days have me sitting around and eating all the time and I have gained 5 pounds!!!!! I am ready for summer and a tan!!!!!!!!!

He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand....

Beth Moore writes in her book I am reading Get Out of That Pit, "I want consuming fire to rage in my soul, and if it's got to come through fiery trial, so be it. I want Jesus. A lot of Him. And obviously, He wanted me. All of me."

As I read that, I got goosebumps, because I know I found Jesus....all of Him, and it came through a lot of fiery trials of my own. And I am forever thankful that He wanted me enough to send me through those trials. And now I am to a place where I want Jesus so much, that I pray the trials always come my way if I drift. If I go my own way and my Savior starts to miss me, I pray he "burden me back" to His loving arms. A dangerous prayer to pray, I know, but it is my heart's cry. I just want Jesus. As I read this book, I realized something very powerful. Somewhere along the way, Christ has pulled me up out of the slimy pit. He has done it inch by inch. I was sunk so deep and so desperate to be saved, that I cried out to the Lord, and He heard my cry and rescued me. I don't even realize how and when it happened, but it did. He has set my feet on solid ground and I will praise Him forever because I remember what it was like to be in that pit. I can now tell when I am dangerously close to it....and I run far away, back into my Redeemer's arms. I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death, but God saw me in my distress and set me free. I don't think I would have ever appreciated how good it feels to have my feet set on the solid rock of Jesus Christ, if I had never spent so much time in the pit....some of it from my own digging, and some of it from other's pushing me in.....but nonetheless, I have been set free.

I remember when Debbie Patterson was dying of cancer and one particular Sunday she spoke in Sunday School and the words she spoke brought tears to my eyes. Not because I felt sorry for her, but because I knew in my heart I didn't know the One I called "Lord" as she did. I remember the prayer I prayed that day after I got home from church....with my two little boys playing at my feet. I said, "Father in heaven, if it takes cancer for me, too, I want to know You like Debbie does." And I meant it. Well, 10 years later, I realize it didn't take cancer for me, but it took a series of events and an incredibly broken heart to draw me to my knees to seek my King....for real. Yes, I want consuming fire, too. I want it to rage within my soul for my Creator. I want to KNOW Him....really know Him. I want to stand before Him in heaven and finally feel "home" and not in a strange place. Yes, sometimes God puts us in our own "prison" just to set us free. I have tried to crawl out of the pit by standing on the shoulders of another, but that is never very stable. Only God is my solid rock. Only God can set me free!

I know I have been very tiring to the Lord many times, and He tells me all the time, "Melissa, didn't you learn this once already?" But thankfully, He never gives up on me. I love what Beth Moore writes in her book......she says that the most fitting thing to put on her tombstone when she dies is "God Got Tired!" Isn't that a hoot?! I think it would be fitting to put on mine, too. But oh no, He will never let go of me! Even when I doubt and test Him over and over and have to learn the same things......He keeps on loving me.

I am so glad the Lord tore away all my "deformed desires" and saved me from even myself. I had such a stronghold by satan that I wanted to run right back to the very type of situation I was in before.....all because I was looking to be loved. When the greatest love of all was beckoning me from His throne! It is ironic to me now, especially since I didn't realize it then, but I was addicted to the very poison that was killing me. It was toxic to my soul. But it was all out of ignorance....I simply hadn't learned the love of Christ yet....the love that leaves me satisfied and longing for nothing. Finally God said, "no, I have bigger dreams for you! I allowed you to go your own way once and look where you landed. I won't allow it now!" And all I can now say is, "I am so glad that You've torn it all away, Lord. Once I held it in my hand, it was a kingdom made of sand, and I can't believe I can say that I'm glad!"

May all who seek You rejoice and be glad in You! Psalm 40:16

Thinking about swimsuits and more important things....

already!~ Time to start eating healthier! I can't believe I am getting swimsuit catalogs this soon! Yikes!

And Em just said, "Mommy, I need to stop watching scary movies cuz I see scary faces sometimes."

I said, "You know what you need to do when you see them?"

She said, "What?"

I said, "Stop and pray and ask Jesus to help you not be afraid."

Then Reid chimed in, "No, I know what you need to do. Close your eyes and run towards them!"

Oh my, this is what I live with!

O.k...seriously, I do have more important things on my mind tonight..... I have been reading Beth Moore's book Get Out of that Pit. Susan got it for me for Christmas and I LOVE it. God has been teaching me so much lately. I think because I am learning to completely surrender and because of that, I am open to whatever God is trying to show me. I love my Lord. I trust Him. I know that He is always good....always. And everything He has ever allowed in my life has always been for greater gain for His kingdom. Beth writes in her book that we are far better healed, than we were before tragedies and trials entered our lives. We can look back and say, "what if all these things hadn't happened to me?" Or "what if I hadn't done that." But Satan is the master at getting us to ask "what if?" questions. He wants us to think we blew it in our past. But I know better. God is the God of second chances and He always takes and works all things for good according to His plans. I love Him so much and I am so thankful He never gives up on me!

And before I go....I keep thinking and praying about writing a book. It is something I have wanted to do for a long time, but I will pray about it before I take on that challenge. I know that it will only work when "God builds the house..." or I will labor in vain. But if I do, I will call it Looking for Love in all the Hard Places. More about that later.......

Stand in the Rain

I like this song....I guess it is because I can really relate....but God is teaching me that when I stand in the rain....and stand through the pain....His mercy and grace will lead me through to the path of healing....."There is none like You, Lord. No one else can touch my heart like You do. I could search for all eternity long, and find, there is none like You."

Superchic - Stand In The Rain
From the album Beauty From Pain 1.1

She never slows down
She doesn't know why
But she knows that when she's all alone
It feels like it's all coming down

She won't turn around
The shadows are long
And she fears if she cries that first tear
The tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fear's whispering
If she stands, she'll fall down

She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything
She's running from
Wants to give up and lie down

Girl's Day Out....

Emmie and I had a "girl's day" today. The boys stayed home and watched movies, and I took Em to Chucky Cheese. We were going to go to the movies, but we ended up staying at Chucky Cheese for two hours.....so then we went to visit Susan and came home. It was fun. Em had 45 free tokens from a coupon she had gotten at Christmas in one of her movies and I thought she was NEVER going to use them all! She would come and get one, and then another. I kept saying, "use four or five on that game," but she wouldn't bite! I helped her spend some on ski ball...my favorite game! She ended up with 200 tickets and then spent another 30 minutes picking out her prize! She told me as we were leaving that Chucky Cheese made her "high!" What a hoot! I guess that is a lot better than other types of "highs!" Oh, the innocence of childhood. I sure did have fun watching her play and smile and laugh and get giddy with excitement when she would score big tickets! God is good to me. He has blessed me three really great kids!

Here is Em trying to step on all the ones that light up....

I think I'm in love....

with the cutest little third grade boy I have ever seen! He held my hand as we walked to lunch and he kept staring at me all day. It was amazing that he needed help on his math....and his spelling....and his story....and his social studies....he even needed help sharpening his pencil!!!!!!!!!! Oh yeah, and I forgot, he needed help tearing out his math journal page, too! How cute! He stole my heart, for sure! He told me I tell the best stories ever!! By the way, I think he liked me, too! :)

On another note, my oldest son informed me tonight that I am the biggest nerd he knows because I sit around and crochet all the time! I am trying to finish a blanket for Em and I love making things with my hands, so yes, I guess he is right..I am a nerd! He was making videos with my camera when he told me I was a nerd and then he said, "I am going to take pictures of my mom, the nerd!" I said, "go ahead, I am not ashamed! I am confident in who I am..cuz I am the coolest mom in the world!" Then I told him I was so unashamed of crocheting, I would even put these pics on the web!!!! Here I am....the crocheting-nerd-mom!!!

from my devotional today....

The best way to help discouraged and hurting people is to listen with your heart and not just with your ears. It’s not what they say but why they say it that is important. Let them know that you understand their pain by reflecting back to them in different words just what they say to you. Don’t argue or try to convince them with logical reasoning. Patiently accept their feelings—even their bitter words against God—and build bridges, not walls.

In his book about his wife’s death, A Grief Observed, C. S. Lewis wrote from his own painful experience: “Talk to me about the truth of religion, and I’ll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion, and I’ll listen submissively. But don’t come talking to me about the consolation of religion, or I shall suspect you don’t understand” (p. 23).

There is true consolation in our faith, but it is not dispensed in convenient doses like cough medicine. It can be shared only by those who know what it’s like to be so far down in the pit that they feel as though God has abandoned them. If you want to be a true comforter, there is a price to pay; and not everybody is willing to pay it. Paul wrote about this in 2 Corinthians 1:3–11.

John Henry Jowett said, “God does not comfort us to make us comfortable, but to make us comforters.”

Don’t forget: "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze" (Isa. 43:2, niv).

Learning to communicate....

I read the other day that women speak 20,000 words a day and men only speak 6,000....on average, of course. That made me laugh. I already knew that women could out talk men (and sometimes I never shut up!) but still, to see it in print brought a smile to my face. God put us on this earth to learn to get along in the husband/wife relationship, and yet He made us so different.....and especially different in the area it matters most...communication.

As I think about women and the ways they love to communicate...I realize that I love to talk. Mr. Hiser came in a while ago (I am subbing at Reid and Em's school) and he asked me how Reid was doing. I talked and talked! He just laughed at me because I am a nutcase, but I know he was probably thinking...."whew boy...this girl can talk!" I had a guy in class one time tell me he loved being around me because he thought I was fun to talk to. I thought to myself....I do all the talking most of the time! Sometimes I try to make myself just shut-up, but it is hard for me to do. When I think about this, however, I realize that there are times in my life when I just completely clam up. Probably, they are the times I need to talk the most, but I can't hardly get a word out....and not only do I quit talking, but I quit thinking, and I quit feeling. I can just shut myself down. I love it in the Bible when Jesus asks Mary what was troubling her. That is what I think Jesus is always asking me. He already knows what troubles me. He already knows my struggles....but yet He keeps asking. He wants me to tell Him all about it. And that is so hard sometimes for me to do. It is easier to withdraw and clam up. I guess that is why I love to write and to journal...it is a safe place to voice my thoughts without fear of anyone else. I lived for years in a marriage where I tried and tried to talk and share my heart and I was rejected over and over again. I was made fun of for the things I said and made fun of for how I felt. So I learned not to feel or think or even talk. I learned to suck it all in and hide it away. I learned in my counseling class last semester that the mind has many "defense mechanisms" to guard us from pain. I think what it is sometimes called is GRACE.

I looked for so long for Chris to listen to me and instead I found pain and abuse and I became so angry. But I wasn't really angry at Chris, I was angry at God. I felt unheard and let down. But I was asking for the wrong things. I was seeking to be satisfied by Chris, instead of God. I had the wrong idea about relationships from the very beginning. I know that God made marriage to be a love between two people as He loves His church.....and God is always using relationships to draw others to Himself. It isn't to fill ME, it is to show me HIM. I know if God chooses to leave me single for the rest of my life, that I will be o.k. I will cease to be restless because I am already filled. I sit and watch tv or read or play on the computer and I am constantly finding myself talking to the Lord. I will share things with Him that make me laugh and I will thank Him for lessons He teaches me.....I didn't even realize it until yesterday....but He truly is my best friend. I looked for Z for a long time to satisfy my hungry soul and I got so scared that he would do the same thing Chris did....discard me....so I ran away instead.....and even when I have been confronted with what I feared the most, I have realized that therein held the greatest lesson God was trying to teach me.....I still had Him. He is still there crying out to me..."Melissa, talk to me. What is it that is troubling you? Share with me your burdens." Isn't that the coolest thing?! I always knew that Chris didn't want to hear me. I always knew I would be ridiculed if I ever dared to share my heart with him....and I knew many times that Z tried to listen to me, but I often wondered if he really didn't care, either. I never knew for sure. There have been many times that he would try to get me to talk and I really wanted to, but it was so hard to trust him.....so difficult to open myself up....and so much pain that followed when I did....but what I know is true...and I am finally starting to really believe in my heart is that God really does care....always. He never fakes it. He really wants to know what is on my heart. He really wants to know what I feel and think. Amazing isn't it? The King of the Universe cares for me and calls me "friend." Christ alone has changed my thinking. Someday God will maybe find me worthy of a godly man's love and I will know in my heart he is the one when he always points me to my Father in heaven...and not himself. I used to look for that "giddy" feeling. That "oh so in love" feeling. That isn't the kind of love that lasts. I see young couples all the time who are so in love for a short time....it is the "Brittany Spears" syndrome. It fades and dies because it was really lust. I am not a relationship expert, but God has taught me so much through a decade of a failed marriage. He has taught me a love that lasts and it is only in Him that I find it. So if I do meet someone and feel like I love him enough to consider giving marriage another chance, it won't be the butterflies in my stomach that let me know. It won't be the goosebumps on my arms that guide me....it will be the reflection of Christ that I see in his face. Because Christ, after all, is my first love......