Learning to communicate....

I read the other day that women speak 20,000 words a day and men only speak 6,000....on average, of course. That made me laugh. I already knew that women could out talk men (and sometimes I never shut up!) but still, to see it in print brought a smile to my face. God put us on this earth to learn to get along in the husband/wife relationship, and yet He made us so different.....and especially different in the area it matters most...communication.

As I think about women and the ways they love to communicate...I realize that I love to talk. Mr. Hiser came in a while ago (I am subbing at Reid and Em's school) and he asked me how Reid was doing. I talked and talked! He just laughed at me because I am a nutcase, but I know he was probably thinking...."whew boy...this girl can talk!" I had a guy in class one time tell me he loved being around me because he thought I was fun to talk to. I thought to myself....I do all the talking most of the time! Sometimes I try to make myself just shut-up, but it is hard for me to do. When I think about this, however, I realize that there are times in my life when I just completely clam up. Probably, they are the times I need to talk the most, but I can't hardly get a word out....and not only do I quit talking, but I quit thinking, and I quit feeling. I can just shut myself down. I love it in the Bible when Jesus asks Mary what was troubling her. That is what I think Jesus is always asking me. He already knows what troubles me. He already knows my struggles....but yet He keeps asking. He wants me to tell Him all about it. And that is so hard sometimes for me to do. It is easier to withdraw and clam up. I guess that is why I love to write and to journal...it is a safe place to voice my thoughts without fear of anyone else. I lived for years in a marriage where I tried and tried to talk and share my heart and I was rejected over and over again. I was made fun of for the things I said and made fun of for how I felt. So I learned not to feel or think or even talk. I learned to suck it all in and hide it away. I learned in my counseling class last semester that the mind has many "defense mechanisms" to guard us from pain. I think what it is sometimes called is GRACE.

I looked for so long for Chris to listen to me and instead I found pain and abuse and I became so angry. But I wasn't really angry at Chris, I was angry at God. I felt unheard and let down. But I was asking for the wrong things. I was seeking to be satisfied by Chris, instead of God. I had the wrong idea about relationships from the very beginning. I know that God made marriage to be a love between two people as He loves His church.....and God is always using relationships to draw others to Himself. It isn't to fill ME, it is to show me HIM. I know if God chooses to leave me single for the rest of my life, that I will be o.k. I will cease to be restless because I am already filled. I sit and watch tv or read or play on the computer and I am constantly finding myself talking to the Lord. I will share things with Him that make me laugh and I will thank Him for lessons He teaches me.....I didn't even realize it until yesterday....but He truly is my best friend. I looked for Z for a long time to satisfy my hungry soul and I got so scared that he would do the same thing Chris did....discard me....so I ran away instead.....and even when I have been confronted with what I feared the most, I have realized that therein held the greatest lesson God was trying to teach me.....I still had Him. He is still there crying out to me..."Melissa, talk to me. What is it that is troubling you? Share with me your burdens." Isn't that the coolest thing?! I always knew that Chris didn't want to hear me. I always knew I would be ridiculed if I ever dared to share my heart with him....and I knew many times that Z tried to listen to me, but I often wondered if he really didn't care, either. I never knew for sure. There have been many times that he would try to get me to talk and I really wanted to, but it was so hard to trust him.....so difficult to open myself up....and so much pain that followed when I did....but what I know is true...and I am finally starting to really believe in my heart is that God really does care....always. He never fakes it. He really wants to know what is on my heart. He really wants to know what I feel and think. Amazing isn't it? The King of the Universe cares for me and calls me "friend." Christ alone has changed my thinking. Someday God will maybe find me worthy of a godly man's love and I will know in my heart he is the one when he always points me to my Father in heaven...and not himself. I used to look for that "giddy" feeling. That "oh so in love" feeling. That isn't the kind of love that lasts. I see young couples all the time who are so in love for a short time....it is the "Brittany Spears" syndrome. It fades and dies because it was really lust. I am not a relationship expert, but God has taught me so much through a decade of a failed marriage. He has taught me a love that lasts and it is only in Him that I find it. So if I do meet someone and feel like I love him enough to consider giving marriage another chance, it won't be the butterflies in my stomach that let me know. It won't be the goosebumps on my arms that guide me....it will be the reflection of Christ that I see in his face. Because Christ, after all, is my first love......