"At the cross You beckon me.....

You draw me gently to my knees,
and I am
lost for words, so lost in love,
I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered."
Jeremy Riddle

The first time I heard that song I cried. O.k. so it doesn't take much to make me cry, but I used to cry over sorrows and now I cry over how much I feel God's love. I used to cry because I didn't believe anyone could ever love me. I used to cry because I felt useless and alone. I used to cry a sadness because I was broken....now I cry a happiness because I am broken. Huge difference. Something inside me has changed. I can't even fully explain it, but I know I want to proclaim it. God has shown me I am accepted and approved in Him. God has shown me His mighty love for me. God has shown me that where I used to look for love in others and feel validated and cared for by others, I can really only find in Him. I, like many, many people in this world, looked for love in all the wrong places. I have found my worth; I have discovered my value, and it is only because of the awesome love of Christ....where He really did beckon me at the cross and brought me gently to my knees. Would I want to go back and live the past few years of my life over? Never. Would I trade them for anything? Never. God has taken my life and pruned me and I will never be the same. It is still a daily, hourly, minute by minute struggle for me at times, but oh, what a Savior I have. I am complete in Christ.

It is amazing to me as I talk to different people in my counseling classes, just how much we have all been through. I see a pattern. I talked to a lady named Susan today whose husband left her when her daughter was just weeks old. And if that wasn't sad enough for her, she then lost her daughter to a rare disease when she had just turned 16. That was four years ago. She now lives alone and is seeking a degree in counseling, like I am. She spent the past two years in Poland as a missionary. Hers is a heartbreaking story. I guess mine is, too. We discussed how God has brought us through various trials in our lives and how here we are, seeking a degree to help others. It seems to me that some have it easier in this life, and some are given more sorrows. I am not questioning God, or His decisions, but I guess I can't help but ponder it. Maybe it is a "higher calling" given to those that are chosen to suffer to help others. Maybe it is because we are more stubborn and take more "lessons" to learn it, but I tend to think that it is a combination of the two. I believe that a counselor's greatest trait in counseling is to be able to "empathize" with a patient. (anyone, really, not just a counselor) But I also think that I can really empathize and not "fake it" because of what I have been through. I think Susan can, too. I have met others in my classes, as well, that have similar stories. We are all broken. We have all been made whole by the love of Jesus. There are no "suburban housewives" or "everyday dads" in these classes. My classes are filled with people who have lived in the trenches and walked in the valleys of life. I definitely sense God's power among my fellow classmates. I feel a genuine love for fellow man and a true desire to serve the Lord by loving others and bringing glory to God. I am one of these. I am one that has chosen to not live the normal life. I am one who has chosen to seek the way God wants me to bring His love to His children. I am one that has decided it is so much better in the light where I am real and open and honest with what I have been through. I feel true freedom in God's light...with all my scars visible for others to see. It is the only way that I can say, "Hey, you see these? God healed me. The scars are there to remind me of my wounds and to remind me of how God showed me His healing powers. But now I am thankful for the scars because they taught me so much more than I would have ever learned without them."

Susan told me that she was walking her dog a few months ago and she had an "aha" moment. She said her dog, a yorkie, was trying to get off the leash and was running and pulling frantically. She said she looked at the dog and said, "Gracie, would you stop fighting me? I am up here and I see better than you do down there. I know you will just run into the street and get hurt, so let me protect you and quit tugging." She said the minute the words left her mouth, she knew God was saying, "would you listen to yourself....those are my words to you." Yes, it is true. God has protected me from myself so many times. I know that deep inside me is a heart that is evil and desires too much of the world. I have had to learn to let God love me. It has been a slow process for this stubborn girl. Oswald Chambers said, "Faith isn't faith, until it is all you are holding on to." How many times in my own life have I decided I didn't like God's way? How many times did I decide that I didn't want to suffer anymore and I didn't want to wait anymore? How many times did I really, in my heart, tell God I could do things so much better? (Oh how quickly I forget my screw-ups from the past!) God brought me to a place where I had no one and nothing else but Him. It has been painful, but it has made me whole. It is really all I have to hold on to. I have nothing and no one else. God has brought me to a strange community where I know no one. I don't even know anyone at my church. (after three months of coming!) I am now subbing and I will be around strangers everyday. I won't know the people at the schools or the students. I have asked God why? Why this strange land and these strange people? Why am I alone? Why did you take my daddy? Why did you take people from me that I dearly loved? Why? But He keeps telling me to rest in His arms and learn to love Him and trust Him. I have finally surrendered and said, "o.k. Lord. I am so thankful You are always there." I have fallen in love with the ONE who knows me and loves me.....even with all my scars.

Oh, yes, Father, help me to stop struggling and stop fighting You and just wait in Your loving arms. Help me to realize that although I don't understand, I know I am in Your will and I know You are sending me through valleys to prepare me for mountain tops. Help me to trust You, Lord. I know You see everything while my vision is so limited. Help me to not grow bitter. Help me to have a willing and steadfast spirit. Oh Lord, let my most earnest prayers not be for my own wants and wishes, but for Your kingdom to come in my life. I surrender, Lord. I am sweetly broken. I wholly surrender, Jesus, be Lord of my life. I give it to You. Use me as You wish. Whatever You ask, I will do. I love you, my precious Savior. Thank You for showing me my worth. I don't have to search any longer. I have been found by You. You are more than enough for me. I love You.

In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness